


Show Me That Smile

by A_Touch_Of_Hope (o0kaymawn0o)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: (BRIEF JARED/STEPHEN AMELL), (DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME IF I ADD MORE TAGS!! I'M INSPIRED BABY'S 8D), (If Jared could keep Jensen all to himself he totally would), (J's become each other's worlds), (Jared craves Jensen's touch), (Jared has a thing for Jensen's voice), (Jared is a giant teddy bear and Jensen can hold on to him for as long as he wants), (Jared totally brings Jensen out of his shell in more ways than one), (Jared unleashes Jensen's primal instincts BIG TIME), (Jeffery Dean Morgan is a Talent Scout), (Jensen becomes Jared's inspiration for his music), (Jensen doesn't realize he's talking Jared into an orgasm), (Jensen doesn't understand his anger at seeing someone touch Jared), (LOTS OF SEXUAL UNDERCURRENT TO THEIR TALKS), (moments of Jensen's POV), Anal Fingering, Angst, Bottom Jared, Broken Jensen, Coming On Fingers, Confused Jensen, Eventual Sex, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt Jensen, Hurt/Comfort, INTENSE GAME OF CHICKEN, Jared is also a dork which is why they belong together, Jealous Jared, Jealous Jensen, Jensen is a dork but Jared loves it, M/M, MISHA IS A TV SHOW HOST, Masturbation, One-Sided Phone Sex, Other, POV Jared Padalecki, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Phone Sex, Possessive Behavior, Romance, Sexuality Crisis, Top Jensen Ackles, country singers, sexual banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:46:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 68,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3963232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0kaymawn0o/pseuds/A_Touch_Of_Hope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is a broken country singer, who has captivated Jared's heart. Now, all Jared wants to do is see the man smile. What Jensen has been through, he deserves a bit of happiness, and Jared is going to make sure that he gets it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Jared looks out at the crowd, soaking in all of the applause thrown his way. It reminds him why he does this. Why this is a part of his life, and hopes that it will never be taken away from him. They cheer for him to continue playing, but he knows that his set is over. It’s time for someone else to wow them. He waves to them as he steps off the stage, offering one last dashing smile, and then heads out to the private stand, eager to find out who might be coming on next.

For a while now, Jared has been hearing of an up and comer from Dallas. The annoying thing is, that is literally all he knows. Apparently, the dude has some sort of magical way of avoiding the media, as not a single photo, or even a name is evident in the tabloids. Jared knows that the guy must be good. His manager would not stop gushing about the guy’s set the week before, explained that his wife cried on his shoulder, repeating how sorry she was for the time that she cheated on him with one of her work friends during the time that they hit their rough patch. Even though he had already forgiven her, she brought it back up again, due to the words that the singer from Dallas sang. It had made Jared want to meet him all the more.

So, when his manager said that the guy would be playing at this joint a week from then, Jared signed himself up. Ordinarily, Jared wouldn’t play such a small gig, but dammit his interest was piqued.

Jared watches the announcer step up to the stage, encouraging another round of applause for him. He smiles and tips his hat in return, waiting for the moment that the mystery singer will be announced.

“I’d like to take a minute to introduce are next act. He refuses to give us his name, but he said that I could call him JR. Now, JR is from Dallas, and from what I’ve seen of him, a good ol’ Texan boy. So I hope you’ll join me in a big round of applause for JR!”

The man that steps out on to the stage takes Jared’s breath away. He has to be the most beautiful creature that Jared has ever laid eyes on, perfect in every sense of the word. Jared runs his eyes over every part that he can, taking his time to admire all the details. It sort of makes sense that JR would hide himself from everyone, and keep his name a secret. He probably thinks that if people knew who he truly was, then they wouldn’t take his music seriously. They’d be too focused on his looks to pay attention to anything else.

That’s what Jared assumes, at least. That is until the guy opens his mouth, starts singing, and begins a steady rhythm on his guitar.

_“My heart escaped my body when you walked away, taking all my love and all my happiness with you, leaving me with a pit of darkness in my soul,”_ JR sang, eyes closed, and Jared could see the pain riddled all over his body as he got the words out, almost as if it were the hardest task in the world to repeat them. _“no please, no thank you, just cold dead eyes, staring down those in front of me, a daring gleam begging for something to make me feel, make me feel for the first time since you walked away.”_ Jared didn’t realise that he was crying until he covered his mouth in shock by the words. “ _But through all the beating, and all that pain, nothing else would ever feel the same as the touch of your hand, or the press of your lips to my skin.”_ In that moment, Jared wanted to run onto the stage and give the guy a hug. Sadly, he doesn’t see that going well. JR is far too absorbed into his own lyrics, that he can’t see the affect it’s having on the audience. _“nothing could ever compare to that look in your eyes, that told me I was alive, and there with you, even though you tore my heart in two, left me a broken man with nothing left to do, I forgive you, I forgive you.”_

The last cord strums, sending a vibration through the air. Jared looks on in shock as the audience remains stunned into silence, not yet ready to express how they felt.

JR doesn’t seem perturbed, starting up his next song, apparently called _Childhood._ Jared wants to scream by the middle of the song, hearing the hints of past abuse that Jensen received from his father, clearly having been beaten more times than he was most likely able to count at that age. What kind of a Father would put their own son through something like that? Jared has half a mind to track down this asshole, and beat the living shit out of him. And if it turns out that these songs are not personal, Jared will have a hard time believing such a thing, with the conviction in Jensen’s voice as he sings the lyrics. He’s a singer, not an actor, so there is no way that he could be that convincing if it turns out to be just lyrics.

It’s the line, “ _through the torture, I took it all, never stopping to make that call,”_ that nearly floored Jared. Why the hell wouldn’t Jensen call the police in that situation? And then, later in the song, Jared finds out that Jensen’s Momma passed away when he was little—“ _she left us in her dust, papa raged all the way to dusk,”—_ How the hell could that be Jensen’s fault? From the sounds of things, Jensen’s Momma loved him dearly, and Jensen’s dad must have been the problem. If Jared could find that woman, he would make her regret ever leaving her child behind to deal with what he _had_ to deal with.

_“Through all the fear, you did not break me, papa, I’m still surviving here.”_

There isn’t a dry eye in the room by the end of that song. Without expecting anything to happen, JR slides off the chair, and leaves the stage, missing the eruption of applause from the audience.

Jared’s heart breaks for the man. He vows then to do everything that he possibly can to put a smile on JR’s face.

 


	2. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's on a mission to talk to JR. He will not let the man go on being alone in this world, and he'll do whatever it takes to be the person that can be there for him.

After everyone finished performing, there was to be a small party held for all of the acts. Had this been any other gig, Jared would have already been out of the door, moving on to his local bar to get a drink. This time, however, Jared will stay and see what the night has in store for him, as there is the possibility that JR may have stayed behind. That’s what Jared’s counting on, and it’s the only reason that he’s still here—the only reason that he stayed until the end, enduring countless fans throwing millions of questions at him at a time, and begging for his signature on the left side of their cleavage.

As famous as he is, Jared has been advised by his manager not to let the public know which way he swings, as it runs the risk of Jared losing half his fan-base. In his eyes, he doesn’t need people that are so close-minded, but for his career to remain afloat, it’s essential that he has their support.

Jared has done well to keep his sexuality out of the mix. There have been no reports of it in the news, as he conducts his business privately, and in his own time. If he feels as though he’s being followed for even a second, Jared will find a way to duck out of plain sight.  Although, sadly, that means that the night for him and his current partner was over, as he can’t temp fate, with the chance of reporters catching up with them later on.

Truthfully, it’s very frustrating for Jared to keep his—well, his identity a secret. Every so often, he has to acquire a beard for an awards event, or just a social occasion, so that the tabloids can see him on the arms of women. Jared doesn’t mind all that much—they’re good fun to be around, and he has a lot in common with most of them—the discomfort comes later, when he has to be seen giving them a ‘good-bye’ kiss, or something. They just laugh it off afterwards, as that somehow makes it less awkward.

All the other guest stars are interested in talking to him at this party, but Jared has eyes for just one of them at the moment. He tries to push past them, with the promise that he’ll come talk to them later, and that he’s actually got something to do. Fair to say that it’s getting irritating, repeating the same sentence over and over again.

Jared’s not sure that JR stepped back for the party. He can’t see him anywhere, and no one seems to know where he is, either. After half an hour of searching, Jared is just about ready to give up, when he notices a side-door that leads to the smoking area.

So, he’s a smoker? All right. Jared can deal with that. That’s if JR is even out there.

Taking a deep breath, Jared moves through the crowd to get to the door. When he opens it, he hides his joy of seeing the stunning country singer leaning over the railings, and staring down at the streets, cigarette hanging loosely between the most kissable lips Jared’s ever bore witness to.

Jared shakes off his thoughts, wiping the side of his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt just in case there’s spittle there. He clears his throat to get the other mans attention.

Wordlessly, JR offers a smoke to Jared, who waves his hand in the negative. JR simply shrugs, placing the packet back in his pocket, his eyes questioning why Jared is out here, if not to get a nicotine fix.

Opening and closing his mouth a few times, Jared forces himself to get the words out that have been locked away since this beautiful man started singing. His heart leaps into his throat the longer JR focuses his attention on him. Something has to happen, so that he can stop the embarrassment crawling up his back, and scare off the slowly reddening dye to the backs of his ears. He can’t help thinking that this would be so much easier, had Jensen been less desirable to look at.

_Who hurt you?_

The longer Jared stands here like an idiot, the harder it becomes for him to express the way that he’s feeling. He almost wants to pretend that he had a business proposition for JR, just so that he would have something to say.

_Are the words in your lyrics true?_

These questions are buzzing around in his head, demanding to be released. Jared wants nothing more than to let them out in to the air, but he’s afraid of what the response might be. Jared wishes that they weren’t real. He doesn’t want to think about what it might be like for someone to go through something like that, to have a childhood so full of hurt, and to be left to a Father that could bring themselves to be so rotten.

_Do you want a hug?_

Jared knows that it’s silly, even in his head. Nevertheless, that’s what he wants to know the most. And he would be ever so willing to give JR that, if that’s what he wanted. Hell, Jared _needs_ to hug this man, but he will relent if JR doesn’t feel the same way. Jared wouldn’t be surprised if that is the case. He can’t help that he doesn’t really understand personal space, and will grapple someone in the world’s biggest bear hug without even thinking, although he respects those that do have an issue with invasions of their bubbles.

The air is growing tenser by the minute. Jared has taken to just leaning against the wall, stilling his nerves. This isn’t like him. Normally, he wouldn’t have a problem jumping right in there, never really engaging with his brain to mouth filter. With JR, though, Jared feels like his heart is beating properly for the first time in his life—everything is right in the world, and he wants nothing more than to remain in JR’s presence for the foreseeable future. It’s a pipe dream, he knows that. JR probably isn’t interested in men, least of all Jared. Sure, they haven’t even spoken yet, so he has no right to make those decisions with no evidence to support his case, but Jared can’t help already feeling rejected by this Adonis of a man.

Why can’t he just say hi? That wouldn’t be so bad, right? Then, when Jared’s good and ready, he’ll get to the point. Yeah, that’s what he should do. Jared finds it easy to talk to people, so this shouldn’t be hard at all.

Except it is, because this is JR. This man is making him leak desperation to touch, beg, and do whatever he can to make JR happy. Jared really needs to get himself under control. He can manage to act normal for at least a few minutes. That’s all he has to do. And if he finds that it’s easy to talk to JR, then all the more reason to throw his worries away, and just get down to it.

Okay. He’s wasted enough time already. He can do this.

“Hey,” Jared says simply, resisting the urge to wave like a dork.

JR regards him sceptically. “Didn’t realise I still wasn’t alone out here,” he replies, not moving an inch from his spot. Jared can tell instantly that that means that JR would prefer not to talk to anyone right now, but for some reason, Jared’s not going to let that stop him, not when he worked up the courage to open his mouth and speak.

“I really liked your set, dude,” Jared rushes out, flushing all over his body. For some reason, he hadn’t expected JR’s voice, and body so close to his, to have him this hot all of a sudden. Maybe he should have seen it coming from the way that he was practically salivating over the man’s looks a few hours prior to this.

When no reply came, Jared took a step closer to JR, still putting enough distance between them so that both parties can feel comfortable. With JR not objecting to his movement, Jared continues until he’s leaning over the railing. JR doesn’t turn to look at him, so Jared just continues to stare at everything and nothing at the same time, biding his time, and waiting for JR to feel comfortable enough to speak.

Jared could see from the moment he mentioned JR’s set that the guy has been looking for someone to talk to, perhaps without realizing it on a conscious level, but rather subconsciously. Jared can see that the man is hurting inside. He needs someone that he can open up to, and Jared can be that person for him.

They stay like that for a long time, neither making a move to speak, just enjoying the view. Jared is also enjoying being so close to JR, but neglects to mention that to the other man in case it drives JR away. Honestly, Jared’s not the type to partake in long periods of silence. He likes things to be loud, over the top, and bordering on insane at all times. Clearly, JR is different. He seems very reserved, able to bask in his own company, and not give a damn about how other people may see that. Sure, he may be alone, however Jared suspects that that is a personal choice, due to the troubles that JR has been through in his lifetime. Jared also figures that JR has deep-seeded trust issues, and it’s going to take a hell of a lot for Jared to get close to him.

Jared finds himself thinking about what kind of person he would be, had he gone through the things that JR did in his songs. Again, if the lyrics indeed are true. Maybe he wouldn’t be the loveable oaf that people see him as today. Maybe he would look at the world with scorn, and not trust a single person, or let anyone in to his secret circle. It urges Jared to consider that quote that he heard several years ago now, about being objects of our environment. Jared wonders if that means that if he had been born in China, would he be married, have kids, and be a misogynistic dickwad? He hopes not, for he likes the man that he turned into, and knows that the people that he has come to love, love him all the same, purely for the person that he is, having nothing to do with his fame or his fortune, and that is the way that he would like for it to remain.

It feels like hours before either of them say a word, and Jared is deeply surprised to find that it is JR’s voice that he hears in his ear, starting up something that he’s not so sure that he can deal with now that it’s here, now that this astonishing, broken man is speaking to him.

“I know what you’re thinking,” JR states matter-of-factly, and without the slightest bit of hesitation, as if he’s used to this. “What I sing about is true. All of it. It’s horrible, yes, but it’s also the inspiration for my music, and for that I don’t regret it,” he informs, still not looking at Jared, favouring the side-walk instead several feet below them.

Jared wants to cry. How can someone as destroyed as JR manage to put on such a brave face, and keep up a mask, as if he actually believes what he’s saying? Jared can’t bear to think what might actually be going through JR’s head when he talks about this type of thing. Jared’s not stupid, though. He can see that that is a complete lie. It does hurt. It will always hurt, but JR doesn’t want it to stop him. Jared gets that JR’s not going to allow these vices to keep him from doing what he loves, and if he can use them to his advantage, why the hell shouldn’t he? He would do precisely the same thing, had he gone through the things that JR has.

Choosing his next words carefully, so as to not irk JR, Jared adjusts his hat. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. And you’re right—you read my mind, but I want you to know that it’s okay to let go once in a while,” Jared insists, offering a warm smile. His hand itches to pat JR’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, but he stops himself.

JR smirks grimly. “Let go, huh? And, what, cry like a fucking baby to some stranger?” The atmosphere changes, and Jared can see that he might have pissed the man off, if the anger lines on the man’s forehead are any indication of that. “That didn’t work for my therapist, and it’s sure as shit not gonna work for you,” JR growls, stepping back from the railing, shoving his hands in his pockets, and narrowly avoiding even brushing the material of his jacket against Jared as he leaves the smoking area.

On the one hand, he can see where JR is coming from. And, if this were anyone else, Jared knows that he should just walk away, take his own advice, and let go of them. But he physically can’t bring himself to do that. He doesn’t want to back away from this. He wants JR to have someone on his side, and he _needs_ to be that person for him.

Jared follows JR back into the room, standing in front of him before he can go any further. There’s slight fear in JR’s almost magnetic green portals. Recalling the lyrics from _Childhood,_ a certain line coming to mind— _“that looming shadow confirming my fears that it wouldn’t be long before you were here,”—_ Jared falls to his knees in front of JR, staring up into his eyes, willing the man to lose the suffocating fear buried deep beneath them.

A quiver of laughter bubbles in Jared’s throat when JR arches his eyebrow, re-storing his hands in his pockets, and sending confusing glance after glance down at Jared, asking him what the hell is he doing with his body language.

No one seems to have noticed the position Jared is currently in, so he carries on as if there is nothing weird about this. There’s slight pain below his knees, but he ignores it, so that he remains less of a tower, and more of a bungalow.

“I know that I just met you, and this looks really weird, but I want you to know that you can talk to me—wherever, whenever, and if this is how it needs to be for you to do that, then that’s fine with me,” Jared says, praying to God that this works, as he can already feel humiliation erecting the hairs on the back of his neck.

Ignoring the fact that his face is very close to JR’s crotch, Jared continues on with what he feels he needs to say, fighting the urge to take a peek, or sniff the area in front of him—this is not the time for him to be a pervert.

“No one deserves to be alone in all of this. I might not understand what you have been through, but I’m willing to listen to whatever you have to say—as much, or as little, and I promise that I’ll never judge you, no matter what, I swear on the lives of all my fans,” he declares, his tone passionate and slightly shaken. Not that he can help it, with the proximity between them, and the accidental glimpse at the front of JR’s jeans he made mid-speech—reminding himself again that that’s not what this is about, and that he needs to behave himself.

Jared can tell that JR’s not at all sure what to do here. He’s just staring at him, as if he’s waiting for Jared to actually do something, other than just kneeling at his feet. What else can he do? He’s said his piece. What he wants not is an answer from JR. And, preferably a name.

JR rolls his eyes, clearly struggling to think of anything better to do in this moment. “Dude, uh, get up. You look ridiculous,” JR mutters, and Jared grins from the slight mirth he spots dancing in JR’s eyes. Not a second later, he’s back on his feet, following JR like a lost puppy to the couch area, where JR sits, obviously not rejecting Jared’s decision to tagalong.

They sit there in silence until JR sighs long and hard, throwing his head back against the couch. “Why do you care so much, dude? You don’t even know me,” he inquires, scratching the lobe of his right ear. Jared ignores how adorable he finds that action, choosing instead to twiddle his thumbs in his lap nervously.

As simply as he can, Jared explains. “Your songs made me sad. I guess I just don’t like it when people are sad. If you were an asshole, then I wouldn’t have cared so much. But, you don’t seem like a bad person. I wanna be someone that you can talk to. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know either. I just feel like I’m supposed to be there for you, however, and whenever you need me, uh, JR,” he blurts out, stumbling a few times, desperately trying not to gauge JR’s reaction to his big confession.

JR’s expression doesn’t change, but something does. His stance appears more open, and the twitch of his temples have subsided completely, almost to a point where he looks relaxed, and less on edge.

Jared tries not to jump for joy when JR’s hand lands on his knee, patting him twice before retreating. JR doesn’t smile at him, he doesn’t even move closer to him. He just holds eye contact for a few beats of time, before finally releasing a held in breath.

Once that puff of air has been let go, JR says, “JR is my stage name. You can, uh, you can call me Jensen,” and Jared can’t even begin to comprehend the shudder that wracks his frame just from the fact that he now knows this man’s name, has heard it from the horses’ mouth.

Honestly, he can’t help but play around with the name in his head for a while, not quite able to quell the giddy feeling in his stomach now that he’s one of few that knows Jensen’s real name. He would jump for joy if it wouldn’t make him look like a ten year old boy getting his first kiss.

_Jensen. His name is Jensen. I love it._

Calming his nerves, Jared holds out his hand for Jensen to take.

“Nice to meet you, Jensen. I’m Jared.”

The second Jensen’s hand curls around his own, Jared knows that he’s a complete goner, and that he will move heaven and earth to fulfill Jensen’s every wish.


	3. Contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared needs to hear Jensen's voice. He waits, and waits, and waits, and finally... Hears it.

Jared hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Jensen. It’s only been a few days since he learned the man’s name, and actually managed to drag a few words out of the guy, but Jared’s already feeling the effects of withdrawal. He craves the man’s touch or even just a glance in his direction. Really, he’s not all that surprised that this is the way that he’s reacting to Jensen’s lack of appearance in Jared’s life. He knew that once he spoke to the guy, there was no way of undoing the drawstrings on his heart—that he would never be the same person again. Still, he went through with it. Jensen seemed just too addicting for him to ignore the want ravaging his insides.

He feels completely alone, and can’t help wondering if this is how Jensen lives his life all of the time. Having no one there to look out for you must suck the meat. Jared has lots of friends, but he doesn’t want them. The only person that he does want is Jensen—Jensen’s not here, though, and he’s just going to have to live with that.

When Jensen eventually left the party two nights ago, he said Jared actually made this night... fun. Jared wanted to hold on to the slightly older man—as he found out through talking to the guy, going through the trivial stages of getting to know someone, like their date of birth and the like, finding that Jensen is four years older than himself. For some reason, Jared likes it that way. Likes that Jensen is older than him, and Jared has made it his personal mission to put the shattered pieces of Jensen back together, and repair him—almost like rebooting a computer to the point where there was nothing wrong with it.

Essentially, there isn’t anything visibly wrong with him. But Jared knows that Jensen’s faults lay within his soul, and it’s up to Jared to fix him. Jensen never asked him to do anything. He doesn’t have to. It’s Jared’s pleasure to help the man in any way that he can, regardless of whether or not Jensen cares for the help.

Jared cares, and that’s all that matters.

Before Jensen made it out of the door, Jared handed over his contact information, and told the man that he could call him at any time, and he would answer. Which is why Jared has had his phone on his person ever since. Usually, he doesn’t necessarily care for the thing, just posts a few tweets here and there—now it’s practically glued to him, and he can’t stop himself from checking it on a regular basis to see if Jensen has messaged him.

Sure, he figures that Jensen isn’t the type of person that spends hours on his phone, either, so Jared’s not sure what he’s expecting to happen. He just really wants Jensen to call him, so that he can hear the man’s voice, and know what he’s up to—most importantly, know that he’s okay.

Jared keeps thinking that something bad has happened to Jensen. For some reason, he can’t stop himself from going there, and it makes him want to tear his hair out. If Jensen wasn’t as good as he is at keeping himself out of the papers, Jared might have some idea of Jensen’s condition right now.

He wishes that he just asked for Jensen’s number instead. At least that way, he would be able to contact the guy. Maybe Jensen would yell at him the second he actually answers his phone, after however many calls it would take for Jensen to pay attention—that doesn’t matter, for it would stop Jared from stewing in his own panic that Jensen might be in a ditch somewhere, while Jared’s powerless to help him.

Yesterday, Jared’s manager called him. He was so disappointed that it wasn’t Jensen that he never bothered to answer the call. Later, he listened to the voicemail complaining at him for not taking the call, and then letting him know that he had a gig coming up soon. Jared already knew that part. Sometimes he wonders why he keeps Jim around at all, when he’s more on top of things than the guy who is paid to know his schedule for him. Then he remembers that Jim is like a father to him, and he couldn’t bear to see him go without a job, or food. Jim can’t help that he’s getting old.

Why won’t Jensen call him? Did he just take Jared’s digits so that Jared would be subdued for the time being, while he makes his big escape? No, that’s ridiculous. Jared saw the look of gratitude in Jensen’s eyes after Jared’s confession. People cannot fake that. He refuses to entertain the thought that Jensen would play him like that.

All of this grumping and groaning isn’t doing anything for him. It’s probably time that he actually got out of his bed, and freshened himself up for the day. A shower sounds like a good idea, now he just needs to drag his sorry ass out of the bed. There are a few other things that he needs to take care of as well, and he can’t relieve those problems all over his sheets.

Sighing with frustration, Jared throws his covers back, and launches himself from the bed. He quickens his haste to the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door behind him, as he’s the only one in his house. Soon, he’s finished with his ablutions, and is moving on to rinsing himself down.

Jared always relishes the first touch of the water against his cool skin. He can’t help but let a half moan slip as the water snares him in its trap, burning the dirt from his pours, and generally making him feel better.

The thought of Jensen showering with him works its way into Jared’s mind, and he’s instantly turned on. He almost whimpers at the pressure on his cock, the bulbous head pulsing with the need to be touched, spurred on by the images of Jensen’s naked body, and hands that tell a story, one moving over his body, lathering soap in all the right places, while the other fists his cock, stroking it back and forth until Jared’s coming with a loud moan, painting the floor white.

It’s flushed down the drain in an instant, Jared’s guilty pleasure being wiped of all evidence in a mere moment. He can’t quite fathom how fast he climaxed. Never in his entire life has he been that quick to the draw. Jared concedes that it must be Jensen. Jensen just does things to him, and it’s going to take a while for him to come to terms with the fact that he is one hundred per cent smitten.

Jared finishes cleaning himself up without any more delays, killing the flow of water, and wrapping a towel around himself. Ever since he knew that he could feel pleasure from rubbing his dick, Jared has remained guilt free from his fantasises. Yet, right now he can’t escape the nagging sense that what he did was wrong.

He wonders why he feels this way. It’s just a fantasy... Jensen will never know about it, so why does he feel like such an asshole for coming to the thought of imaginary Jensen making him come?

Shaking his head, Jared makes sense of it all. He feels guilty because he wants Jensen to be here with him when he comes. He wants the real Jensen to make him come, and he craves the chance to make Jensen orgasm in return.

It saddens Jared that he may never have Jensen all to himself in that respect, that he might have to live with just his fantasies for the rest of his life, while keeping up the facade that he doesn’t have these sorts of feelings for Jensen. Jared knows that this is going to be hard for him to do. He’s a very expressive person, and that’s been a part of him for as long as he can remember.

_Guess I’ll just have to curb my enthusiasm, huh?_

Jared changes in solitude, wondering what Jensen might be doing at this moment in time. He hopes that whatever it is, Jensen is having a good time, and he’s not swimming in his own sadness. Jared would hate for that to be the case. He bites his tongue to stop himself from sending out a tweet begging for Jensen to call him. Somehow, he’s going to have to come to terms with a few things here. Things, such as, Jensen is a very different person, as appose to himself, so he’s most likely to find it difficult finding a place for a character as vibrant as Jared into his life.

Regretfully, Jared understands that this isn’t going to be easy for him. It’s not as though he can treat this like any other situation. No, he needs to be patient with Jensen. Needs to let the man come to him—he’s got to keep believing that in time, Jensen will call him, or seek him out. Unfortunately, this isn’t a battle that Jared can win by forcing himself into Jensen’s life, as he would have done had the circumstances been different.

The clock strikes four in the afternoon. Jared’s worried that he’s going to do something stupid before long if Jensen doesn’t contact him. All of his energy has to go into resisting that side of him that just can’t sit around waiting for something to happen, which is a lot harder than Jared could have ever imagined.

Same time the day before, Jared had nearly been out of the door, ready to search the globe for Jensen. The only thing that had stopped him had been the glimmer in Jensen’s stunning eyes that practically promised that they would meet again someday.

Jared knows it sounds lame. He doesn’t care. If it means that Jensen will come to him, he’ll scream the words to the world, and take any backlash that might follow his declaration.

He groans. There has to be something that he can preoccupy his mind with, other than the outrageously handsome man that is already plaguing his dreams, and his desires.

Resigned, Jared picks up his phone and calls Chad. It picks up after the second ring, and Jared grins, while Chad berates him for being a recluse for the past few days.

“I’ve been busy,” Jared retorts, stepping into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

“Spanking the monkey is not an excuse, Jay. I have half a mind to—“

“I think half is a little generous, don’t you think?” Jared jokes, unscrewing the bottle top, taking a swig as he listens to Chad’s outraged reply.

“Fuck you, Jay! That’s a saying, you asshole. Now, tell me why the hell you’re being a whiny little bitch, so we can start the mending process. Did some douche-bag break your giant-sized heart?” Chad growls, cussing someone out for some reason. When Jared asks what the hell that’s all about, Chad barks that he’s driving over to Long Beach to meet Sandy.

Jared contemplates clueing Chad in on his current state of misery, wondering if that might be such a good idea, considering his friends protective streak. He figures if he tells Chad, he’ll scour the earth for Jensen, and tear him a new one. Jared’s not so sure he wants to get the blame for that, so he says that he’s getting over this guy that he kind of liked, who he thought liked him the same.

“Guys are dogs, Jared. You’re never gonna find one that deserves you,” Chad insists, bringing a smile to Jared’s lips. Chad cares way too much about his happiness. So much so, that he nearly lost out on his own, if Jared hadn’t literally shoved him towards Sandy. Chad thinks that he owes Jared. For him, Jared sees it the other way around, as Chad has done everything short of kill himself for Jared. In life, you meet a lot of people. It’s those rare few that become your friends for eternity. That’s how Jared feels about Chad. His best friend for his entire existence, and he knows that Chad wouldn’t have it any other way.

They talk about some of the good times that they’ve had together, like when they were fourteen, and took Jared’s big brother’s car out for a spin the first time, feeling like they were so grown up. Inevitably, all their fun came to an end, when Chad’s dad stepped out in front of them, with his hand up, and a look of rage on his face. Sure, Chad had been grounded for a few weeks, but it still made it to their top ten list of the best moments of their lives.

Jared enjoys reminiscing about the past. It reminds him of a simpler time, before Jim discovered his voice, and worked day and night to get him a record deal. At the time, Jared was sure that he would never reveal his passion to anyone, so afraid that he might never get anywhere with it. He had been focused on all the academic parts of school, and pretended to play little to no mind to the practical stuff. Fortunately, Jim let himself into the house at the right time, and heard Jared’s voice through the floor boards. It had been with proud, tearful eyes, that Jim told him he had the potential to be a star.

For weeks, all Jared did was gig in bars, nightclubs—anything that would take him. Even as people started to notice him, Jared never believed that he would ever make it as far as he had. He never thought he would see hoards of girls standing outside his door, after the first time he placed number one in the hits. He had been terrified that they were going to maul him alive—shocked when he realized that they all wanted him to sign their posters of him, as he hadn’t yet released an album. Not long after that, it had been time to get his debut out there. Soon, there had been talk of him everywhere, and he just could not comprehend that his dream had come true.

At twenty-three years old, Jared had been practically the king of the country genre, and everyone was lining up to hear him sing, to find out what his next story was about. Jared doesn’t write things personal to him. He struggles to do something like that. It’s not his voice... Honestly, he doesn’t think that his life is too interesting. Who would want to listen to him sing about buying a beer, or brushing his teeth, like he’s doing now, as he continues to chat aimlessly to Chad? No one, that’s who. His voice is creative, fictional, while at the same time captivating to listen to. Well, according to the review on one of his albums, at least. To be clear, Jared’s not self-centred. He doesn’t think that he’s the dog’s balls. He just goes along with it, grinning broadly at the music awards, when he accepts his trophy.

Thinking about his voice triggers him to assess Jensen’s style of lyrics, how personal they are to him—how they stop the audience dead in their tracks, drawing everyone’s attention to him. Jared wishes that he could write something like that, from the heart, and the depths of his soul. Nothing has ever happened in his life that could create something as heartfelt as Jensen’s music, though, so he doesn’t bother to try.

Jared blinks a couple of times, remembering that he’s on the phone to Chad, and that might explain why the other man is lecturing him about drifting off to somewhere else in the middle of a sentence.

“Sorry, dude. My mind is all over the place with this guy and all. He was just, special, y’know?” Jared mumbles, working a kink out of the back of his neck.

“Want me to beat the shit out of him? Just give me his name and address, and I’ll make sure he’s ruined for any other person for the rest of his miserable existence,” Chad promises, and Jared can tell that he’s narrowing his eyes on the other end of the phone, about ready to punch mystery guy’s co-ordinates into his Sat-Nav.

Jared laughs loudly. “Nah, man. It’s cool, really,” he shoots back, adding that if it comes down to wanting the dude disfigured, Chad would be the first person that he’ll call. That seems to calm the waters for now, as Chad moves onto a new topic.

Ordinarily, Jared would spend hours on the phone with his best friend, but he doesn’t feel like he can do it right now. Really, he just wants a hard drink, and some random company for a few hours.

Telling Chad that he’ll call him later, Jared ends the call. He’s about to pocket his phone, when he notices that he has a new text message from an unknown number. Jared holds his breath, beating down the anticipation that the text might be from Jensen. If it turns out that it isn’t, he’s only going to be more miserable than he had been before.

Jared opens the message, his heart caught in his throat as he reads the words.

_Hey, dude. This is Jensen from the after party. Hope you’re good._

The grin that engulfs Jared’s face is a sight to see. He’s so happy in this moment. Even if it is a very short message, with no implementation that Jared should call him now that he has the man’s number, it’s the sheer fact that Jensen cares about his wellbeing enough to drop him a text.

Without hesitation, Jared saves the number under _Jensen,_ and immediately calls it, praying to any deity out there that Jensen picks up the phone because Jared seriously needs to hear the man’s voice.

A state of euphoria rackets his body when Jensen picks up on the sixth ring, his gruff, rugged voice asking who this is the second the ringing stops. Jared’s ashamed to say that it takes a few beats of time before he manages to find his voice.

When he eventually does, he grins down the phone. “Hey, this is Jared. Just got your text. You okay?”

Recognition must have dawned on Jensen, as his tone turns noticeably less on edge. “Oh. Hey, Jared. Yeah, I’m fine, thanks. Yourself?”

Jared melts at the sound of his name rolling off Jensen’s tongue, blushing profusely, and thankful that Jensen can’t see him. “I’m all good. Glad that you texted me, man. I was just thinking about going for a drink, if you’re not busy.”

“A drink, huh?”

Jared swallows hard, anxious that Jensen might say no.

“Yeah. I know a place that’s nice, less fan-oriented—more private.”

He can almost hear Jensen thinking about this.

“I’m glad you called, dude,” Jensen admits. Those words make him freeze. “I’m actually in Houston at the moment.”

“Really? What are you doing there?”

“My sets coming up in about ten minutes, but I can talk to you... Y’know, if you want...” Jensen trails off, and Jared wishes he knew what the other man looks like right now.

“Sure. I’d like that.”

And they do. They talk for the next ten minutes. Jared learns that Jensen has a competitive side, and that he had been nervous about following Jared’s act, as he had heard of him multiple times before they had met. Jared corrects his anxiety, saying that he would be more concerned about having his set after Jensen’s, as everyone would be so stunned for the next half an hour, that they would completely miss all of his.

Jensen admits that he was pissed when Jared said he should let things go once in a while, that Jared doesn’t really have the right to say that to him. Jared immediately apologized for that, saying that it all just came out wrong. In the middle of his apology, Jensen had cut him off, reassuring him that he had just been overreacting, and the whole thing wasn’t that big of a deal.

When it was time to say goodbye, Jared felt his heart ache, the urge to cry so strong, due to forces unknown to Jared. He wishes that they could talk all night.

Everything feels a hundred times better when Jensen says to him, “Sweet dreams, kid,” after Jared gives him his luck for Jensen’s set. After the line goes dead, Jared ponders the pet name that Jensen gave him. He’s hardly a kid. He’s almost thirty, and Jensen’s only four years older than him...

Still, he kind of likes it.


	4. Guardian Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two weeks since they started talking on the phone, and they're starting to get comfortable with each other. Jensen has a gig coming up in San Antonio, and Jared declares that he'll be there. When Jensen starts with a new song, Jared can't help but sob his eyes out.

They’ve been talking to each other on and off for the past few weeks. Jared’s never been happier in his entire life. He doesn’t go a day without dropping a text to Jensen, or giving him a call. If Jensen doesn’t answer the phone, Jared will leave him a voicemail. Through their chats, they’ve developed a kind of camaraderie between them. With a bit of coaxing, Jared succeeded in encouraging Jensen to participate in banter. Now, there’s not a pause in any of their conversations.

Everything feels easy, and has a natural flow to it. Jared feels like he’s known Jensen forever. Maybe Jensen feels the same way about that? Jared would like to think that he does, for he imagines that it’s been a very long time since Jensen was like this with anyone. And, yes, Jared does feel slightly smug about that possible fact. Why wouldn’t he? Jensen has been a ghost in the media throughout his entire career, so Jared has gloating rights to getting the man to come out of his shell, even just somewhat more than regularly.

Currently, Jensen is gigging through San Antonio. Which is the best thing that could ever happen to Jared, as it’s exactly where he is. He’s ashamed to admit that he’s blown off a few gigs, due to the knowledge that Jensen would be here soon. Jared knows that it won’t put a dent in his career, so he doesn’t pay it much mind.

Jim had been furious with him, demanding to know why he’s wasting these opportunities. Jared just told him that it’s for personal reasons that he would rather not discuss at the moment. Shortly after that, Jim let it go, making Jared promise that he would not turn down the next offer. Reluctantly, Jared agreed, after a long pause on his end.

When he told Jensen that he lives in San Antonio, the older man let him know where he would be playing. Seconds later had Jared searching online for tickets to Jensen’s gig. It’s unfortunate that he’s just one of many that are playing that night, and Jared has no idea what time his set will be, but he’ll stay through the whole thing if he has to in order to wait to see Jensen.

Jensen had reprimanded him, saying that he doesn’t have to do that. Jared wasn’t having any of that though, declaring that there was nothing that would stop him from being there.

Eventually, Jensen caved, informing Jared that there’s a private seating area. He only mentioned this because he knows that Jared won’t be able to keep his focus purely on the stage, with random people begging him for his autograph. Jared wasn’t able to put across Jensen how much he appreciated that small act of kindness.

A pit always forms in Jared’s stomach when Jensen has to end the call. He never wants to stop talking to Jensen, and he wishes that he never had to. Ever since he met the guy, he’s done nothing but ignore everyone else, in favour of giving his undivided attention to Jensen. He gets that Jensen doesn’t know that, and therefore doesn’t feel obligated to stay on the line for an extra hour or so—however long Jared needs him to get his fix of Jensen.

Jensen’s voice should be illegal. The second he hears it, Jared’s melting through the floor. Whiskey smooth, laced with smoke, and a scratch that leaves all kinds of tingles all over Jared’s body. That voice is what he would call killer, and Jared’s felt like he was about to go into cardiac arrest several times since hearing it.

It’s not fair for someone to be that attractive, that amazing in every way, and have a smoking hot voice to top it all off.

The amount of occasions where Jared’s had to call Jensen back, so that he can take care of business is laughable. That voice just makes him squirm inside and out, in the best way possible.

Tonight, he’s gonna get to hear it in person. Not just when Jensen is singing, but after as well. Jensen proposed that they go for a drink after, and a bite to eat. Jared butchered the question of whether or not this is going to be a date before it even had the chance to form. He still doesn’t really know Jensen’s stance on sexuality, and cannot risk saying anything that might push the other man away.

Nevertheless, Jared had agreed to the proposition, feeling like a drama queen as he sifts through outfit after outfit, trying to find the perfect one. He knows that he has a few that make his ass look fantastic. Those are the ones that he wants to wear. But, as he still doesn’t quite know the parameters of their relationship, Jared can’t go flaunting his ass. What if that makes Jensen uncomfortable? Or, if Jensen is into dudes, what if Jensen shies away because he’s afraid that he might be the one to ruin their friendship? Jensen doesn’t know his sexuality, either, so the fact remains that he should play this safe.

Then again, it wouldn’t kill him to wear those jeans. Jared shrugs, figuring that if they do affect Jensen the slightest bit, the older man won’t say anything about it, just brush it off like it’s nothing. That’s not to say that’s it’s going to be same for Jared, for Jensen wears everything like it was made for him, so Jared needs to sample some of Jensen’s aloofness if he hopes to remain his normal skin tone in front of him.

Jared can’t help wondering when Jensen’s going to start talking about his past, if he’s ever going to talk about it. There must be some sort of approach that he can use that will get the man to open up to him, as everything that he’s tried so far has failed completely.

He’s been far more patient than he ever could have hoped for at this point. When Jensen has talked about trivial things, Jared has listened as if it had been seriously important, because everything that Jensen has to say holds importance to Jared, and that will never change. Still, he just wants Jensen to know that he won’t think any less of him if Jensen reveals the darkness of his past that Jared knows is there.

Sure, he can’t do anything about it, which makes him so angry. But, what he can do is listen to Jensen’s story. Jared knowing is going to change nothing that has happened so far, but it will help him to understand Jensen that much more, and lead towards building a future for them together.

And, if it’s in the cards, a romance.

Fair to say that Jared would really love for that to be written in the stars for them. He’s found that there isn’t a thing about Jensen that he doesn’t love with his entire being, and makes his heart sing with joy. If Jensen were to ask Jared out, be it over the phone or otherwise, Jared wouldn’t even pause to take a breath before agreeing, and declaring his undying love for the man.

Never mind, aye. If it happens, it happens, and that’s just the way that it has to be. Jared can’t pressure someone into loving him, even if it will rip his heart in two to see Jensen fall in love with someone else.

As Jared’s shucking on his jeans, he gets a call from Jensen. He answers the phone with the touch of his finger, and puts it on speakerphone, so that he can finish changing.

Jared teases Jensen, interrogating him on whether or not he’s nervous for tonight. The other man effectively silences him with the threat of leaking his story about the most embarrassing moment of his life to the press. They both know that he won’t do it, but it’s just the game that they play.

For a while they just talk about nothing. That’s all they seem to do, really. There’s never nothing for them to say, and Jared is so happy that this is the case between them. It would be so awkward if neither of them said a word for five minutes at a time. Yeah, this flow that they’ve somehow managed to establish will go a long way to reinforcing their friendship.

“Did you miss me that much that you couldn’t wait two seconds for me to get my jeans on before you called me?” Jared mutters, holding his phone between his shoulder and ear, as he tied the laces on his shoes.

“I hope that means you weren’t doing what I think you were doing,” Jensen shoots back, eliciting a laugh from the younger man, who assures him that he only does that while Jensen is on the phone to him, getting him off with his sexy voice, when Jared purposefully asks him a question that brings on a long, drawn out answer. “Didn’t realize that you had such a kink for my voice, Jay,” he says, humour in his voice.

Jared shudders at the nickname. Halfway through week two of their phone calls, it slipped out, and Jared never said anything, secretly moaning internally at the way it sounds coming from Jensen’s mouth. Ever since then, that’s how Jensen refers to him. It’s just easier, and Jared does not mind _at all._

“You have no idea,” Jared replies, _literally_ on the tip of his tongue, however he stomps it down. That would turn his teasing into something serious, and he can’t afford for that to happen now. Not when he’s seeing Jensen in the flesh for the first time in two weeks. Nothing— _nothing_ will stop him from being there tonight.

While Jared’s fixing himself something to eat, he nudges Jensen to tell him about the other acts tonight. Jensen tells him that they were very good in the rehearsal, and he’s looking forward to hearing them again. Jared loves that about Jensen, for he’s just as modest as Jared is. Neither of them see themselves as the King pins, even though Jared is certain that come next year, or maybe even next month, Jensen will be the talk of the world.

He regales this to Jensen, the older man almost snorting on the other end of the phone. It hurts that Jensen has next to no self belief. Jared wants to find a way to bring the fighter in Jensen out to the surface, which he knows is lurking beneath that introverted exterior. All he has to do is push the right buttons, and soon Jared will start seeing the results that he has been dreaming of.

Don’t get him wrong, he would not change Jensen for the world. He likes that Jensen is shy, reserved, and kind of a quiet badass—that doesn’t stop him from seeing a slightly more primal Jensen releasing the beast up the expanse of his back.

Jared internally berates himself, reining his fantasies in. It would do him no good to start moaning into the receiver. Keeping himself in check, Jared falls back into their conversation about who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or Rambo.

“Chuck would hand Rambo’s ass to him, easy,” Jensen challenges, the sureness in his tone making Jared sweat.

“Chuck Norris is just a cowboy with a hard kick—Rambo has knives, and—“

“You’re going against your own state, Jay. Think about what you’re saying here,” Jensen interrupts, daring Jared to take that any further.

Jared shrugs. “Whatever. It would be a good fight.”

“Good choice, dude. See you tonight. I’ve got one more rehearsal to do,” Jensen says, killing the line.

Every time that happens, Jared deflates. It’s as if Jensen lacks the ability to say good-bye or something. Instead of saying the words, it’s always an explanation of what he has to do. On one level, Jared kind of appreciates knowing why Jensen has to get off the phone, but he really would like for the man to say good-bye, like a normal person. He’s not even sure why it’s so important to him. Maybe it’s that ever-present fear that something horrible will happen to Jensen a few short moments after he ends the call? And, if that were to happen, Jared would never have had that chance to say good-bye to him, as Jensen neglected to give him the opportunity.

Rolling his shoulders to relieve the tension there, Jared decides that he’ll have to deal with his anxieties of the whole thing another time. Right now, he has dinner to eat, and Jensen to think about on a loop—not that he’s ever far from Jared’s mind. Sometimes, he pretends that Jensen calls because he just knew somehow that Jared had been thinking about him. It’s sickeningly sweet, yeah, but he wishes that it held some truth to it—even slightly.

Finished with his dinner, Jared washes his dishes, dries them off, places them in their rightful places, and then heads out of his house, slipping his jacket on as he passes the threshold. He wouldn’t be able to contain his excitement if he tried. Not even two hours from now, he will be in the same vicinity as Jensen. Soon after that, he’ll be able to see the man with his own eyes. Had there been an option for him to see Jensen sooner, he would have snatched it up in a heartbeat, but Jensen regretfully explained that all acts will be in the back room before they perform, and won’t have the chance to mingle beforehand.

The venue that Jensen’s performing at isn’t that far from Jared’s house, which is why he made the decision to walk. Mostly due to the notion that he might have a few too many tonight, and therefore opted not to take his car, from fear of the scenario that the alcohol pumping through his veins made him feel too brave, like Superman, when really he’s just as average as Clarke Kent pretends to be. On the other hand, Jared finds that the walk is calming his nerves that little bit extra than they had been before. If Jared had decided to hail a cab to his house, then he would have been there far too soon, and would have had to wait even longer to actually see Jensen—Jared couldn’t bear to deal with that much longing for any more than he has to.

Rays from the sun are beating down on his back, soaking through the shirt stretched across his shoulders. Maybe he should have chosen something a little less restrictive? It’s his own fault for subconsciously wanting to present himself appreciatively to Jensen. A few years ago, Jared read about a study that body language can help him to discern if someone is attracted to him on a sexual level. It does not tell Jared, however, if someone is in love with him, as these are ultimately primal instincts. The study told him that a sexual partner will inadvertently draw attention to their backside, by bending low, or pushing their buttocks out. Jared can understand this, as that’s sort of what he wanted to do when Jensen made eye-contact with him for the first time. That’s not to say that he’s going to do that—maybe by accident without realizing, but he’ll find a way to explain why he’s bending over... While ignoring the possible blush that will appear on his face.

Since Jared jerked off to the thought of Jensen running his hands all over his body, while leading him to completion, imaginary Jensen has remained a constant presence in the shower with him. Jared’s not sure that he could stop himself from thinking about it even if he wanted to. Each time he gets in the shower, the daydream becomes more intense, and Jared soon finds himself plastered against the wall, as he strips his hard, leaking cock with one hand, and pushes his fingers as far as they will go inside him with the other. If only Jensen knew just what he did to Jared. Depending on how he reacted to the information, would either make Jared’s life a thousand times better, or a thousand times worse. That, right there, is just too much of a risk to take—one that he’s not willing to.

Fifteen minutes later, Jared is standing outside _The Great Stallion._ It’s not the first time that he’s been here, and it probably won’t be the last after this. He has a soft spot for this place, as it holds the fond memory of meeting Sandy for the first time. Jared remembers the exact moment that Chad’s heart had practically fallen out of his chest, visualises the way he had slapped Chad on the back, winking at him before introducing himself to the girl, which had given Chad an opening.

Yeah, this place is kind of special to him. Jensen doesn’t know that, and that’s not the reason why he’s gigging here, but Jared’s vivid imagination conjures up a scene between Jensen and his manager, where Jensen insists that he does a gig in this specific location.

Jared shivers. A guy can dream, right?

Pushing the doors open, Jared takes in the familiar scent of bodies and alcohol. The place is tight-knit to start with. Add a stage, with a bunch of singers ready to perform brings a wild audience ready to pounce the first, brave individual that steps up to the microphone—simply put, it gets packed—Jared has been a part of that before. The first time that he gigged here, he nearly got ripped from the stage by a bunch of horny women, their hands trying to tear his clothes off. Just in time, security had wrangled with them, ordering them to behave, or they would be kicked out, without any of their money back. Safe to say that they had conceded after that, not reaching for him, unless he held his hand out to gently touch his fingers to theirs.

He’s gay. That doesn’t mean he lacks the knowledge of how to work a crowd.

Working his way through the crowd to the bar, Jared makes to order himself a drink. His eyes are questioning when a beer is settled in front of him. Thinking nothing of it, as it is his regular drink here, Jared reaches for his wallet, holding when the bartender informs him that his drink has already been paid for. He opens his mouth to ask who bought it for him, but the guy beats him to it, saying that one of the performers requested a tab for him, and to hand him another beer the moment the current one is finished.

Jared grins brilliantly, hiding his blush below the rim of his hat. He kind of doesn’t need to poke for a name, as he already has a good idea. It makes his heart flood his body with tears of glee. Jensen must have really wanted him to be here tonight for him to do something like that for the younger man. Truthfully, he would have liked it that tiny bit more if Jensen was with him when he ordered the drink for him... Still, that’s Jensen’s way of showing affection, Jared guesses. The man isn’t one for outward displays of emotion, and prefers to put things across on the sly.

Maybe this means that Jared _is_ starting to get through to him—that his constant blabbering in his ear is making Jensen feel less alone. Oh, Jared so hopes that that is the case. Could that mean that he’ll get to see Jensen smile long before he anticipated? Then again, lack of outward displays of emotion, and all. Jared’s hair ruffles with the force of his rustling head, focusing solely on the fact that this subtle act is a huge improvement.

At the centre of the stage, the announcer gathers everyone’s attention, telling the room that the first performer will be starting very soon, so if they don’t want to lose their place, they better take possession of it as fast as they possibly can. With that in mind, Jared heads over to the private area, vaguely taking note of Christian Kane leaning over the banister with his hands clasped together in front of him. Jared knows of Chris, he’s just never gone out of his way to talk to the guy. It would be odd for him to strike up a conversation now, so he takes up the space closets to the stage, yet still concealed enough that the audience won’t recognise him in the right light.

Jared can’t form the words to say how grateful he is for this. The private area is above everyone, and therefore the focus won’t be drawn to where he is, as this isn’t some kind of light show. These are amazing singers showing off their talent. Jared recalls when he was just like them. He imagines that most of them are shaking in their boots backstage. Honestly, he likes to think that Jensen is calmed by the truth that Jared is here looking out for him.

Just as Jared’s about to turn and walk back to the bar to get another drink, the bottle is taken from his hand, and replaced with a new one. Jared thinks to himself that he’ll miss this kind of treatment the moment that it’s gone. He’s not lazy, but this will prevent him from missing a moment of Jensen, when it’s time for his set. Not that Jared would leave the viewing area to grab a beer, instead of sealing his eyes to Jensen’s sinful lips—that’s a just in case something happens that does force him out of the private balcony.

True to the announcer’s word, it didn’t take long for the first act to begin. Jared can tell instantly that the guy is practically shitting himself, with the way that he can barely keep himself upright, and plays a couple of bad chords. Jared smiles at the moment the dude let’s go, and just throws everything into his songs. Yeah, he may have been shaky at the beginning, but the rest of his set is bearable.

As Jared’s delighting in a nice rhyming couplet, a southern drawl pulls his focus. He notices that it’s Christian Kane that is talking to him. Deciding not to be rude, while keeping an ear our for when Jensen is coming out, Jared turns to the man, offering an arch of his eyebrow to indicate that he’s listening.

“Who are you here to watch?” Chris inquires, a sceptical look on his face.

Jared frowns. “Uh, JR. Why?” He mentally pats himself on the back for not using Jensen’s real name. Time froze for a moment when he felt it about to roll off the end of his tongue. There’s no telling how Jensen would react if someone else, other than Jared suddenly said his name aloud.

Chris smirks, making the hairs on Jared’s body rise to attention. “I thought I was the only one that came to see his shows,” Chris mutters, unfolding his arms, and placing his hands in his pockets, similar to how Jensen does.

Without his approval, a spike of something runs up his spine. Something ugly that he’s never experience before. Of course he knows what it is, but there’s no reason for him to be jealous—there’s no way that—if Jensen was into dudes—that he’d be with a guy like Chris, right?

Ignoring the urge to throw Chris over the banister, Jared widens his shoulders to make himself seem bigger than he already is. Not that has to resort to this, when he’s a head taller than most of the people here tonight, including Christian Kane.

“How well do you know him? Or are you just a fan?” Jared feigns curiosity, shrugging like he doesn’t care about the answer, even if the jealously etching promises of death into the walls of his stomach tells him another story.

Chris eyes Jared wearily as he answers, “I doubt that he’s mentioned me to anyone, but I’ve known him since middle school,” he admits, eyes clouding with something that Jared can’t quite comprehend. “As much as I could get him to, he stayed at my house with my family,” the dark haired man says, posture tense, and mind somewhere else.

Jealousy wells in his stomach again, but Jared beats it into submission this time. Even if he would have killed to be the one that kept Jensen away from his father, he can’t be mad at Christian for doing the right thing at the time. Also, he can tell from the way that Chris can barely contain his rage that they must have been through a lot together. Jared can only hope that he has the chance to be there for Jensen in the future.

Silence drags on, and Jared figures that that’s all that Chris has to say. Chris doesn’t even bother to return the question on how he knows Jensen. Thinking it safe to go back to watching the stage for now, Jared woops when he hears the announcer introducing Jensen, purposefully brushing off the curious look his actions garner from Chris.

Jensen’s foot is the first thing that he sees, and as the rest of his body follows, Jared’s heart rate skyrockets. He can hear it in his ears, feel it ready to puncture a whole in his chest, and leave him bleeding all over the floor. Chris is still partially watching him, provoking the notion that he should probably say something to him. That thought is squashed when Jensen stands before the microphone, his dazzling emerald eyes sweeping over the room, as if searching for something, or someone. Jared’s breath stills when they find him, the smallest twitch of Jensen’s lips almost making Jared faint. Jensen scanned the room for _him. Him._ Not anyone else. Jared is what Jensen was looking for—he’s not sure that he can take this abuse to his heart much longer.

He wishes that his ears were three times bigger when Jensen starts talking, taking a moment to say a few words. “Hello, y’all. I’m JR, and don’t worry, I will start singing in just a second. But, uh, my first song is new... And, I hope that y’all like it,” Jensen declares, and Jared can’t help swooning at Jensen’s natural Texan drawl.

New song? What could it be about? Jared knows that most of Jensen’s songs are inspired by tragic events in his life. What could he have missed from their conversation that would bring to life a new song? Jared doesn’t want to know—except he does.

 _“For the first time in my life, I’m not alone, I have you beside me, there for me to hold, watching over me like the guardian angel that never revealed itself until now, too scared to face the guilt for not being there all those other times,”_ Jensen is pouring his heart into the words, and his eyes are trained on Jared, as if telling him that he’s the inspiration for this—this is all for him. _“The past doesn’t matter, you’re here now, here with me, shielding me from all the hurt and pain, embracing the man that I turned out to be, with no judgement in your ever-changing eyes, cleansing the darkness from within me, and replacing it with your healing light,”_ Jared refuses to look away, even as the tears gather in his eyes, and slide down past his cheeks. Jensen is telling him how much he means to him in the only way that he knows how. _“Now that you’re here, please, oh please, don’t run away, I know that I’m not the easiest of men to deal with, just know that I’ve never been more grateful to have someone by my side, and I couldn’t have asked for someone better than you, you’re my guardian angel, my guardian angel.”_

Jared is completely speechless, which is a definite first for him. He wonders what that song means. What it means for them. He doesn’t have to think for long, as Christian Kane nudges him, telling him in a soft tone that that right there is Jensen’s way of letting his feelings out in to the open, the message that he never wants what they have to end.

Taking that all in, Jared’s not sure if he’s over the moon, or sad that what Chris is implying entails that their relationship might not go any further.

Pushing that aside for now, Jared applauds, wiping the tears from his eyes.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of your that are reading this, I really hope that you're enjoying it. ;D 
> 
> Kisses 
> 
> -Kieran


	5. Heart to Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen opens up for the first time. It's a huge step, and Jared is infinitely proud of him. Dinner is interesting.

With Jensen’s set having ended ten minutes ago, Jared strayed back to the bar. He hadn’t expected Chris to tail him, clearly wanting to see Jensen for himself, which definitely _did not_ bring forth another wave of jealousy on Jared’s end. Chris has just as much a right as Jared to praise Jensen for his incredible talent. And what a talent he has... Even if he can’t see it. Jared’s still stuck on Jensen’s song. Is it really about him, or is he just reading too far into it? The song suggests that the man is falling for the guardian angel, so surely it can’t be a representation of Jensen’s feelings towards Jared, right? If that were the case, then something would have happened between them by now. Jared’s almost positive that Jensen would have at least hinted at it.

He stops himself before he can go too far, knowing that he’ll start fixating on this soon enough, provided that he doesn’t find a way to relinquish the itch. Plus, fussing over this now isn’t going to get him anywhere, and he needs all of his attention to be on Jensen, when he at long last is mere inches from the man.

Fortunately, he doesn’t have to wait long, as dirty blond hair catches the lights, and Jared feels like he could die right now, and have zero regrets. Jensen is even more stunning than he remembers him being. And, damn, does he know how to wear those jeans. The way they highlight the strength in his thighs, and draw attention to the older man’s crotch are going to get Jared in trouble before long.

Beating down the desire to climb Jensen’s body, Jared thrusts his hand out for a handshake. Surprise lingers on his face as Jensen attaches their palms, then pulls him into the greatest hug that he’s ever received to date. Jared says a silent apology to his Grandma, who will now, and forever remain second on his list, he’s sure of it.

The body heat exuding from Jensen makes Jared fidget, which must come across as a warning to Jensen that they’ve been hugging for too long. When Jensen pulls away from him, there’s a sheepish look on his face, and worry in his eyes. Jared can hear him apologizing, saying that he’s not sure what came over him. The younger man wants to tell him that he could stay in his arms forever, but stops himself. Instead, he opts to ask Jensen how his set felt to him because Jared fucking loved it on his end.

They fall into step with each other, Jensen having quickly thanked Chris for coming, and that they would chat soon, before Jensen and Jared were exiting the bar. It’s not long until Jared’s grilling Jensen about the never ending beer cycle.

Jensen lowers his eyes, which frustrates Jared greatly, for he hates not being able to see the emotions that Jensen is convinced he’s hiding in their depths.

“I set it up not longer after you said you would be there, with a decent description for anyone that would see you,” Jensen admits, lifting his head to meet Jared’s eyes. “I’m really glad that you came, Jay. It means a lot to me—“

“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world, Jensen,” Jared says, meaning it to the fullest extent it can go. He’s never been more sure of anything in his life, and that’s happening more often than not where this man is concerned.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I set up reservations for us...” Jensen trails off, and Jared wants to have the skill of painting, so that he can paint Jensen’s every expression, and flood them all over his room, so that everywhere he looks, Jensen is there. “It’s at _Wild Horse Bistro,_ and they said that they’d hold the table for us, just in case we decided to stay for a few drinks,” the older man informs him, favouring the lobe of his right ear with the tips of his fingers.

Jared sighs in his mind, where he’s safe from questions. Jensen told him not to take it the wrong way. To Jared, that tells him immediately that Jensen does not want him in the slightest to think of this as a date, or anything along those lines. That’s not stopping the imaginary Jensen going out of his way to make sure that everything is perfect for their dinner. At least in his dreams, he can show Jensen just how much he appreciates this sort of thing.

Jared has been to _Wild Horse Bistro_ before. Many times. With friends, family, and the like. Never before has he been in the _private_ section. Truth be told, he didn’t even know that one existed here. The lady at the desk had asked them if this is a special occasion for them. Jared couldn’t help flushing—she had been implementing that they were together—it makes him feel good that people could mistake them for that. She knows who he is, as well as Jensen, but she’s not judging.

“It’s our first dinner, I guess. We just don’t want any distractions,” Jensen speaks for them, and how he categorizes them as _us_ makes Jared half hard in his jeans. He swarms his mind with disgusting images, and soon his cock is back to room temperature.

After a few minutes of making sure that everything is prepared, the two of them are seated. The candles are a bit much, if this is just a friendly dinner, but Jensen appears just as surprised as Jared, so they both just shrug, taking their seats, the older man frowning when a bunch of flowers are placed in the middle of their table, the waiter not meeting their eyes.

Again, they brush it off like it doesn’t mean anything. To Jared, it means so much more, but Jensen doesn’t need to know that.

Jared is almost floored when mozzarella sticks are set between them. At his sceptical glance, Jensen reminds him that he talked and talked about how much he loves them, that he would gladly replace his skin with them, but only as a snack—there are lots of other things that he likes more. His heart lurches. Jensen cares enough to remember his ramblings? Wow. That settles it. On their next dinner, Jared needs to outdo him, as there’s not a single thing that he’s forgotten that’s been said by Jensen, not that Jensen has any idea that Jared puts every bit of his focus into committing Jensen’s every utterance to memory.

One of the tasty sticks is hanging between Jared’s lips as Jensen starts to open up to him for the first time. He hastens the treat down his throat, a satisfied sigh leaving him as it fills his gullet. As smoothly, and discreetly as he can, he clears his throat, and gestures for Jensen to repeat himself.

“I, uh, said that, this is to say thank you,” Jensen repeats, avoiding Jared’s eyes. Jared can see that Jensen’s battling with himself to not keep this in, and Jared desperately wants him to win. “My therapist said that you’re good for me. That you’re a constant in my life now, and she also compared you to a bridge between my darkness, and my light, if that makes any fucking sense to you—,” It does. It makes nothing but sense to Jared, as he’s heard something similar to this before, however this isn’t the time for him to be cutting into Jensen’s confession, so he just nods his head to show that he understands. “I have, uh, at least three or four sessions with her a week, as I’m a special case, so she’s heard a lot about you. I know that we’ve mostly talked over the phone, but I really want you to see how much your friendship is making a difference in my life—you might have figured out that that song was about you. Sorry that it sounded like a love song, I just couldn’t think of another way to put the message across, uh,” Jared loves when Jensen stammers—it shows the vulnerability buried deep within him.  One of his goals is to take away that vulnerability, and exchange it for the confidence he will one day replace with his outer shell. “Admittedly, I had a few drinks before I went on... That might explain the prolonged hug. I’m sorry for that, too, it’s just kind of rare that I hug... Anyone. It might also explain my ramblings now... Let’s just, uh, have dinner, okay?” Jared holds back a laugh at the whispered _what the fuck is wrong with you, dude?_  that he hears Jensen breathe at the tops of his thighs.

Clearly, that was one of the hardest things that Jensen has ever had to do in his entire life, and he’s having a hard time accepting the realization that all of that came out of _his_ mouth. Jared couldn’t be prouder of the older man. Along with the song that he just _admitted_ that he wrote for Jared, this confession is a huge mile stone for their relationship. Jared can tell that Jensen doesn’t want him to ask questions about anything that he just said, even if he is dying to. Respecting Jensen enough to just move on with their meal, Jared jokes that Jensen can pay for his wedding, and then they’re square. He’s not sure what to make of the flicker of something foreign in Jensen’s eyes at that idea, choosing instead to demand more beer right the fuck now.

“All right, Alci,” Jensen teases, visibly satisfied that Jared’s not going to interrogate him about his confession.

“Just so you know, Jensen, I lack shame, or personal space. Anyone can enter my circle, for as little or as long as they want,” Jared mutters, walking back over everything he said. Wow, that sounded dirty. “What I mean is, I like hugs.” Good one Jared. Just dial it back that tiny bit extra.

Jensen blinks a few times, and Jared wants to fall through the floor it’s so cute. “Oh, okay. Two beers, please,” Jensen says after a wave of his hand for assistance.

While Jared stuffs his face with the mozzarella sticks, offering one to Jensen every now and then, who looks about ready to lose his appetite forever, the two men drift into their normal conversational flow, teasing and banter heavy in the mix,

“You’ve never looked hotter than when you were singing about me,” Jared jibes, narrowly avoiding a kick to his leg.

“Little Jay must have been wishing my hands were wrapped around something else,” Jensen shoots back, signalling with his hand that they’ll just have the bottles.

Jared twists the cap, grinning. “You’re not wrong there.”

“You realize this is like _Chicken_ without the man touching, right?” Jensen lifts a ‘brow at Jared’s trapped expression.

Recovering quickly, Jared mentions that he’s the king of Chicken like it’s the most natural thing to say. Jensen doesn’t react to that, holding out his bottle for Jared to tap his against the neck. There’s no specifics to what they’re toasting to, but Jared’s stomach howling breaks the moment.

Jensen is requesting the mains not a second later, prodding Jared for the time that he last ate, before the mozzarella sticks. Jared admits with a light flush that he had dinner. He just has a large appetite.

“I’m practically insatiable sometimes. Can’t get enough,” Jared says, backtracking once again. Dial. It. Back. Jared.

Jensen’s ears tint red, a look of confusion trekking through the forest storm of his eyes. Jared knows that he probably shouldn’t let on that he saw that, whatever it was. If he does, Jensen might curl back into himself again.

“Well, hopefully you’ll like what I’ve picked for you,” Jensen mumbles, wriggling out of his jacket, and hanging it over the back of his chair. Jared takes a rare moment to soak in the stretch of Jensen’s back, the way the muscles twitch beneath his clothing, and the flexing of his arms, as he drapes the material, inadvertently allowing Jared the chance to correct a few things he may have gotten wrong on imaginary Jensen, who screws him through the floor on a daily basis.

In that moment, Jared instantly regrets not bringing his own jacket, so that he could do the same, and possibly afford Jensen the opportunity to check him out, without the fear of being caught. Just in case, Jared tells himself.

* * *

Jensen returns his attention back to his friend, after swiping his wallet from his jacket pocket, distrustful of the staff here.  He doesn’t know them, and they’re aware that he comes with a pretty dollar. A clatter registers in his ears, and he’s tilting to look around the table, spotting Jared bent in half, reaching for the thing. The temptation to take a quick peek overwhelms him, and he frowns harder. What the hell is he doing, staring at Jared’s ass should be the furthest thing from his mind. Ignoring the sliver of lust that pools in his groin, deciding then and there that it’s just because he hasn’t had sex since his ex girlfriend left him a few months ago—Jensen averts his eyes, training them to the beer bottle on the table.

What if Jared knows that he had a look? It’s nothing, right? Guys joke about that sort of thing all the time.

Jensen fakes a smirk, wolf-whistling. “Nice ass.”

He feels like he nailed it. Make fun of something, and everything looks innocent.

* * *

 

“Nice ass,” Jensen mutters, following a wolf-whistle, and accompanied by a playful smirk. Jared stabilizes himself before he creams his pants. Righting himself in his chair, Jared reminds himself that Jensen’s just kidding with him. There isn’t any heat behind that. Just a joke. Not a confession, or a hint at anything sexual.

All he has to do is put the ball back in Jensen’s court.

“Wore these jeans just for you, Jen—took you long enough to notice,” Jared quips, momentarily aware that that isn’t a lie, and then suddenly very consciously aware of how he just addressed the man sitting across from him.

Amazingly enough, Jensen doesn’t comment on it, continuing the back and forth, that for some reason consistently holds a sexual undercurrent that neither of them have yet to mentally establish the reason why. It just kind of works.

“I’ll try my best to keep my hands off of you.”

Jared thrives to blurt out that Jensen can do whatever he wants to him. “Please, who can resist all of this?”

“Not even me,” Jensen responds, seemingly relieved when they’re food is placed in front of them. Jared’s mouth waters at the sight, his eyes meeting Jensen’s across the table, who is clearly waiting for him to say something about the delicious meal in front of him.

“When I said you can pay for my wedding, I now mean you’re paying for our wedding,” Jared demands, shovelling a large forkful into his mouth. He makes a _what?_  face, when Jensen shakes his head at him, starting on his own dinner.

They eat in comfortable silence. Jared kind of feels like he needs it right now. Something else to focus on other than the sexual banter between them, and how much he really would like for the words to be true. They are on his side, but he manages to pass them off as some sort of joke, with Jensen being none the wiser. Who’s to say that this will last forever, and Jensen won’t one day notice the barely concealed heat in Jared’s eyes? Then again, for most of their talks, they haven’t been able to see each other. After this, though, that’s not going to be enough for Jared, and so he’s determined to introduce the older man to video messaging. He’ll make it happen no matter how long it takes to educate Jensen.

Honestly, this evening with Jensen has made it even harder for him to find a way to be the slightest bit okay with saying good-bye to him tonight. He wishes that Jensen would come back to his with him, but knows from one of their talks earlier that Jensen’s heading back to Dallas after this

The dinner is incredible. After they’re both finished, their plates are taken away, and Jared is handed a massive bag of candy. His eyes burn brighter than they ever have, as he stuffs his hand in the bag, sifting through jolly ranchers and sourpatch kids, along with cherry stems, etc. Jensen snatches one of those, a silent challenge in his eyes as it disappears into his mouth, reappearing after a few beats, knotted three times. Shoving down the desire to throw himself across the table, and find out just what that stem went through, Jared tries it himself, trying not to think about how hot it would be for Jensen to show him how to do this, while their tongues are tangled together.

Jensen covers a snort, but Jared hears it. “Aw, Jay, guess you’re not the best at everything, huh?”

Jared glares hotly, narrowing his eyes and putting all of his concentration into this one task. He knows that he would definitely win if this was a sucking challenge. Instantly, his mind floods with Jensen’s bottom lip caught between his teeth, as Jared takes him all the way to the hilt. Damn. He’s gonna save that one for later.

Several minutes later, Jared spits it out on the table, declaring that it’s a stupid candy anyway. Jensen lifts a ‘brow at him in mocking, which Jared scowls at, mock-pouting.

The two of them wait for their table to be cleared fully before leave the restaurant, Jensen clueing Jared in that he paid in advance. Outside, Jared watches Jensen shift from foot to foot with his hands in his pockets.

“Thanks for dinner, Jen,” Jared says, testing the nickname again, thrilled that once again Jensen does nothing about it.

“No problem, Jay,” he replies, evidently not sure what to do now.

Jared decides for him, pulling him into a friendly hug. If Jared notices Jensen leaning into it, he says nothing about it—that’s not a move that he’s willing to make. Instead, he allows Jensen to hold onto him. Like the song said, Jared’s his guardian angel, and he will never judge him.

 

 

 


	6. Subconscious Infidelity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is trying to write a song about Jensen. He's having trouble. When he goes to get some air, a new guy in town Stephen Amell catches his eyes--he feels like he's cheating on Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief moment of Jensen's POV at the end. :O

Jensen’s in Dallas, so Jared’s been left to his own devices again. When he returned home from their dinner, he noticed that Jim had left him a voicemail in true Jim style, demanding that he be up bright and early on the twelfth, as Jim snatched up some time on a talk show for Jared to reveal the details of his latest album—the one that won’t be released until four months from now. There are a few things that he has yet to add to it. Really, there are some new things that he wants to edit, and blend in to the mix.

Since discovering that _Guardian Angel_ is about him, Jared has been going out of his way to write a song based on his relationship with Jensen, or at least something that captures the true essence of it, without blowing things out of proportion. Jared knows how he wants it to sound, it’s just putting the pen to paper that he’s finding difficult. It infuriates him that he has no idea how long it took for Jensen to write that song. What if he did it in a night because he’s _that_ fucking talented? If that’s the case, it’ll certainly be something for Jared to strive towards.

As it turns out, Jared succeeded in teaching Jensen how to use the video messaging system. Jared is so much more satisfied with the result that he can walk around his house, see those beautiful eyes staring back at him, and secretly tally Jensen’s sun-kissed freckles. When he had first mentioned them, Jensen glared, hiding his face away from the camera, until Jared promised that he wouldn’t bring them up ever again. After that, Jensen had proceeded to rant about how much high definition sucks, and that it should crawl into a hole and die, along with a long list of stuff that Jensen could live without.

Thinking about that makes Jared ache to be in the older man’s presence again. While it’s true that before the night they met, they never knew each other, that doesn’t stop Jared from feeling as though a piece of himself is missing when Jensen isn’t with him.

Earlier in the day, Jensen told Jared that they may not get a chance to talk tonight, as he has a butt-load of things to do.  Jared had pretended that he hadn’t been deeply upset by that, and kept Jensen on the phone until the last possible moment, which was about five minutes ago. Already, Jared misses his friend, and wants nothing more than to be there with him in Dallas. Unfortunately, he has his own shit to deal with.

If it just so happens that they don’t get to talk tonight, Jared’s not sure how he’s going to be able to sleep, as Jensen’s _sweet dreams_ has become some kind of sleeping pill for Jared. For some reason, the words wash over him, relaxing all of his muscles, and moments later, he’s crashing on his bed, all  snuggled up in his comforter, dreaming of green eyes, and dirty blond hair.

Jared knows that he’s royally screwed. There’s not a chance that he will be able to find peace if Jensen doesn’t call him. It’s not just that he may not get his nightly Jensen fix—it has more to do with Jared not knowing that Jensen’s okay for however many hours. Who’s to say that if Jared drops him a text before bed, Jensen will reply immediately? That’s what Jared will helplessly need before he even thinks of letting his head hit the pillow.

Not being able to speak to Jensen until tomorrow makes Jared sad. He’s been sat at his kitchen table, with a pen in hand—has been previously to Jensen calling him two hours ago, but he just can’t think of anything to write—trying to begin his song for Jensen. Jared’s tried thinking back to their talks, the emotions that he felt, yet nothing worth the ink in his pen comes to mind.

This isn’t what he’s used to. Their friendship isn’t fiction. It’s real, it’s alive, and it’s a part of him. Jared can’t just throw something measly together, and expect it to be good enough to animate the core of them. There’s just nothing that can do them justice. Nothing that highlights the light and shade of Jensen’s personality, between the moments that he’s ribbing Jared, and the next, when he’s quietly contemplating things that Jared can’t even begin to understand. Nothing to show the different variations of laughter from the older man—the way he laughs with his entire body, sometimes not even letting a sound out, however still showcasing his amusement in the way that he knows how—not to mention those are the rare opportunities when Jared gets to see the smile lines directly next to Jensen’s eyes. Those full lips might not be widening, but Jared can still _see_ it all—see what affect he’s having on Jensen. And isn’t that the best thing of all? Knowing without having to say anything? As if the two of them are one person rolled into one, split down the middle eons ago, yet somehow managing to find each other in every era.  

Maybe he should just quit while he’s ahead? He doesn’t have to do this now. And there are other things that he can do to show how much Jensen has come to mean to him over the weeks. That fact makes him wonder how close they will be in a few months time, and a year’s time. They’re already attached at the hip when they’re in the same place. Jared would barely be able to keep his hands off Jensen if it was acceptable to the older man. What could change in a month? What could change in a year? There’s just so much that Jared doesn’t know—craves the answers to. All he can do is wait for those days to come, and then remember back to the moment in time when he first had the thought.

Jared snorts at his own thought. That just sounds silly, even worse than some of the other stuff that he’s come up with in his head— _stuff_ that will remain there, where it’s safe from the media, and the assholes that want everyone to fail because their own lives suck.

Why does Jensen have to be in Dallas? It sucks ass. Jared wants him here with him, watching crappy movies, and laughing at nothing. There are so many things that Jared wants to do with Jensen. Both of them always have other things to do—stuff handed to them on a plate by their managers—that they never have the time to do some of the things that they have talked about.

Jensen admitted to Jared at one point that he’s never been to an open microphone night. According to Jensen, he had a nightmare when he was thirteen that he got up on stage, told a joke, and got chased out of the room, with crazed people hunting him down. Jared did his best not to laugh at the image it had created; a frightened Jensen yelling at them to stay back teetering on the edges of his mind—nevertheless, Jared demanded that they go to an open microphone night when they get the chance in the future, so that Jared can help Jensen get over his small fear. Jared even promised to get up there and crack a few, just to settle Jensen into it.

That’s just one of the things that Jared wants to do with Jensen. One time during a phone call, where Jared had been talking about his trip to Italy, and how amazing it was, Jensen blurted out that one of his lifelong dreams has been to see the Coliseum. Immediately, Jared declared that they would both go on leave at the same time, then fly over there. Jensen seemed as though he was on board with the idea, adding that they have to go to Japan then for Jared’s sake.

There’s just something about he and Jensen that click so well together, almost as if they know what the other is thinking. Moments like those back up Jared’s theory that they are the same person, just have different bodies.

Sliding his chair back along the floor, Jared stands, about done with this for the time being. He can’t write lyrics when he’s sad. He doesn’t want the song to be sad. He wants it to be an accurate representation of his feelings, without the undercurrent of his true desires.

Without much else to do for now, Jared throws on his jacket and leaves the house. He’s not going for a walk. Jared just wants some fresh air. Today, there’s a cool breeze in the air, and Jared intends to take advantage of it. For once, the sun isn’t making it its mission to burn holes through everyone. Jared needs this breeze—needs it to cool his nerves, and perhaps distract him from thoughts of not speaking to Jensen tonight.

While he sits there on the step just outside his door, Jared wonders if he should call Chad. Most of the time, Chad is the one that can cheer him up. Is it fair for him to call Chad for the selfish reason of getting his mind off Jensen for even as little time as possible? No, that would be dickish of him. Chad would be able to tell that he was sad the moment he picked up the phone, anyhow.

Stuck for what to do, Jared shifts on the step, pulling his phone from his pocket. It’s been a while since he’s played a game on his phone. What better time to do that than when he has nothing _at all_ better to do? Wow, isn’t that a little sad? He’s famous around here, with four number ones, and there’s _nothing_ for him to do.

Sighing, Jared loads a game, instantly frustrated when he dies in the first few seconds of tapping the screen, manipulating the stupid bird to flap. For a moment, he thinks that this isn’t such a good idea. He hadn’t been able to stop playing this game for more than an hour several months ago now. Jared’s ashamed to admit that he had been addicted to this game. So many times, he had been ready to just delete it from his phone. With the thing being erased from all app stores, he would never be tempted to download it again. Sadly, every time he went to do just that, he had stopped himself for some reason.

Jared doesn’t pay any attention to the sudden shadow looming over him, continuing on with his game. “Locked out of your house?” a voice says, and Jared glances up into curious blue eyes.

“Nah. Just needed some fresh air,” Jared replies, shielding the sudden heat in his eyes. Don’t get him wrong, Jensen is the hottest man on the planet, but he can still window shop. He has needs, and all.

“Can I join you?” the man asks, gesturing to the spot next to him.

Jared shuffles to the right, offering the man extra room. When the guy takes the open place, they start up a get-to-know-you conversation. Jared finds out that this guy’s name is Stephen, he’s just recently moved to San Antonio from Los Angeles, and he figured that he might as well start making friends.

They talk for longer than either of them expected, Jared finding that he very much appreciates the outlining of toned muscles beneath the material of Stephen’s shirt. Midway through Stephen talking about the best places to go in LA, if Jared ever decides to go there, Jared picks up on the subtle glimpses at his lips.

Without really thinking, Jared invites Stephen in for a drink, the lingering touch of his fingertips on Stephen’s shoulders doing their job to send a message— _the offer is there if you want to take it—_ which the other man seems to accept, as he gets up, following Jared into the house.

The next hour and half consists of Jared starting something, Stephen falling right into it, bodies slamming against surfaces, hands trailing over layers of skin, teeth clicking as rough mouths crash together, swapping saliva and bringing the animal out of both men, and finishing with Stephen pushing Jared into the middle of his bed, fingers tightening on his hips, throaty moans filling the room—the smell of sex almost overpowering by the end of it, as two sweaty bodies collapse on Jared’s bed.

Stephen chuckles. “That certainly hadn’t been what I was expecting when I moved here,” he admits, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

“Regret it?” Jared mutters, running his hands through his hair, feeling like shit now that it’s over.

“Definitely not. But, the way you were looking at me like I was someone else kind of tells me that this shouldn’t happen again, unless of course it’s my body that you want,” Stephen says, reaching for his jeans, giving Jared a nice view of his ass.

Jared sighs. “Uh, maybe you’re right. Sorry, du—“

“Don’t apologize, Jared. It was fun. Just, I’m not one of those guys that can just fuck with no feelings involved, you know? Yeah, I just met you, but you’re a really nice guy.”

As Stephen pulls on the rest of his clothes, Jared falls back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. What the hell is wrong with him? Needs be fucking damned, he just used someone, and he can’t stop the crushing feeling in his chest that he just _pretty much_ cheated on Jensen. He’s really going to get it from imaginary Jensen tonight. Stephen’s right, though. This isn’t fair on him. Regardless of Stephen’s looks, and the attraction of his body, Jared can’t just use him. It wouldn’t be right.

Jared slips into a pair of boxers, placing his hand on Stephen’s shoulder. “I know that we can’t do this again, but can we maybe be friends?” he says this with sincerity. Stephen’s not a bad guy. He can definitely see them being friends if that’s what Stephen wants.

There’s a pause, and then a grin, along with a nod. For the next few hours, they just talk, Jared finding that he’s comfortable in Stephen’s company, and that he’s actually managed to distract him from thoughts of Jensen. After he says good-bye to Stephen, sliding the door closed, Jared hops in the shower.

* * *

 

Finally, Jensen caught a break for fifteen minutes. Before he does anything else, he pulls his phone from his pocket and _Facetimes_ Jared, excitement bubbling in his stomach that he’ll get to talk to him before Jared goes to bed.

Jensen frowns when it goes to voicemail. That must mean that Jared’s in the shower. Jensen shrugs, sending Jared a text to call him when he gets this, and that he’ll pick up if he isn’t busy.

With nothing else do, Jensen searches through _Facebook,_ finding out what Jared’s been up to today. When a picture of Jared and some dude that he’s never seen before looks back at him from the screen, Jensen frowns.

_Who the hell is this guy?_

Jensen enlarges the image, focusing his eyes, and barely stopping a glare at the hand at the small of Jared’s back.

_What the fuck? Is Jay—is this guy? What?_

An explanation for this would be nice, but Jensen regretfully concedes that he’s not going to get one anytime soon. One for the growing pit of rage in his chest would be nice, too.

_Answer that one first, please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that are at all interested, I have turned Fresh Meet into a series, and will be working on the second one today. :) 
> 
> Hope you're enjoying the story. :D


	7. Chicken P1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's not spoken to Jensen for two days, and he's feeling really down. He hasn't been able to force himself into a shower. When Jensen's picks up the phone, he feels like his life is complete again, even if he can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the Kudos and the comments. :D This is important to me because I have a real problem with finishing stuff. Once it's finished, that's it. If I can complete this, then I can complete everything else--that much I know. :) 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~
> 
> SIDE NOTE--reference to Sheldon Cooper coming up because sometimes he's adorable, okay? ;D

There’s been a feeling of emptiness in Jared’s stomach for the past few days. With Jensen still in Dallas, Jared’s alone. Homesick comes to mind for some reason. Jared’s sitting in _his_ house on _his_ couch watching _his_ TV, so why does he feel like something is missing everywhere he looks? The idea is ludicrous to begin with. Jensen’s never set foot inside his house. None of the space in here has been touched or stepped on. It’s just been Jared here ever since he bought it and the few times that he has invited friends over. Jensen’s not even transferred any of his DNA on to anything. Whatever Jared picks up, it’s his own prints hidden beneath the materials. Why does Jared feel as though this isn’t his home anymore? Without Jensen here, Jared is like a glass half empty, even if he looks at life on the half full side of things.

Jared sinks into his couch, ignoring the moving images in front of him. He doesn’t have the concentration at the moment to even offer the slightest bit of attention. Things that he doesn’t really want to think about are sloshing around his mind, taking turns to rile him up or lead him deeper into the pit of sadness he finds himself in. Ordinarily, Jared is the life of the party. He’s willing to do outrageous, questionable actions just to put a smile on someone’s face. Today, he’s starting to see that as a curse, and not the blessing he once believed it to be.

He thought that being able to see Jensen’s face on the screen would be enough for him to scathe off the ever-growing tunnel of loneliness gaping a hole in the linen of his stomach. It’s not. Jared’s not sure it will ever be enough anymore. Not after that night that they spent together. They got to know each other that little bit extra and Jensen opened up to him—he revealed a piece of the broken man holding a protective cloak over himself. Jared wishes that Jensen would see that he doesn’t need to hide. All he has to do is say the word, and Jared will do everything in his power to take away all of the pain.

That night that he spent with Stephen crawls its way to the forefront, breaching enemy lines. It reminds him of the emotional infidelity that he partook in. The reasonable side of his brain tells him that he doesn’t belong to Jensen, so he can do whatever the hell he wants—fuck what the older man thinks. The part that thinks the world of Jensen and sees a future for them together that goes beyond friendship categorizes the whole fiasco as a huge betrayal. Jared knows that it sounds silly. Sex is sex. Carnal, fierce, and used to satisfy each other’s needs. Stephen had understood that by the end of their night together, and they have remained friends since then.

Actually, Stephen is coming over tonight. They’re going to watch _Walk The Line_ together, as Jared discovered that they both shared a mutual liking for Johnny Cash. Jared’s a tad bit anxious about watching a film with someone that he recently had sex with. He still feels guilty for using the guy, and there’s emotional chafing punishing him for rolling around in the bed with another man. On that night, Jared visualized imaginary Jensen looking down at him with unrelenting hurt dusting the edges of those beautiful green eyes.

_“How could you do that to me, Jay? Am I not enough for you?” Imaginary Jensen croaked out, close to tears. Jared could see that this was a trigger for him. Something similar to this situation had happened in Jensen’s past, and Jared’s just reminded him of the whole thing._

_“I’m sor—“_

_“I don’t want your apologies,_ Jared,” _he snapped back with scorn, shoving Jared down onto the bed. He straddled Jared’s waist, forcing his hips down with the pressure of his thighs. Warm breaths ghosted over his ear, encouraging blood to rush to his right lobe, beating from the intensity. “I’m just gonna have to make you forget about that asshole,” Jensen growled, thrusting his hand into Jared’s boxers, circling Jared’s steadily growing erection._

_Jared gasped as Jensen stroked his cock, as much of it as he could grapple in this position. Intense emerald hues had been gazing into his eyes, promises of torrid fucking ahead._

By the end of his fantasy, Jared had felt guilty all over again. That orgasm had been more explosive than every single one before it, and it was _that_ fantasy that had got him there. He was supposed to have been punishing himself. Instead, he came harder than ever, three fingers third-knuckle deep in his ass and hand tightly gripping his cock, milking it for everything it was worth.

Since then, Jared has taken to punishing himself the only way that he knows how. This method is torturous, but he will do it to reach a point that he can forgive himself for what he did. Jared has taken to not touching his dick for the next week. He’s on day three so far, and he’s aching to get some release. That’s another reason that he’s anxious about tonight. Close proximity is one of his turn-ons. His couch isn’t the biggest one in the world, and he’s not the smallest person, either, so it’s going to be difficult for Jared not to feel the body heat pulsing off of Stephen.

Jared grinds his teeth. Nothing is ever going to happen between them again. That’s completely over now. He already has an obsession—hopefully that is enough for him. Speaking of his obsession, he hasn’t talked to him prior to before he met Stephen. After Jared’s shower, he noticed that he had a new voicemail from Jensen. His face had lit up, and he loaded it up, listening to it intently. Once he went through it, he immediately called the man. Unfortunately, it went to voicemail. At the time, Jared just figured that Jensen had been busy, thinking back to the second part of the voicemail. Now, he’s not so sure. They haven’t gone a day without talking to each other since Jared received that first text message from Jensen. Without being able to talk to the man, Jared can’t function properly.

Jared runs a hand through his hair, disregarding the grease seeping into his skin. He hasn’t been motivated to do anything. The only reason he agreed to watching a movie is because Stephen wouldn’t walk away from his doorstep until he either gave in or called the police. Not wanting to see the guy in a jail cell for just being a good sport, he finally agreed. Nevertheless, he hasn’t showered in two days. He hates to think what his state will be like by the end of his allotted week. A shower is in his future, just when he can force himself off the couch and out from under the comforters piled on top of him. Yes, he’s sweating a lot due to the added heat, but he’s the only one that has to put up with his stink, so why not?

Why won’t Jensen call him? Does he not realize that the longer Jared goes without hearing from him the darker Jared’s thoughts turn? Perhaps if Jensen understood the urgency on Jared’s end, he would find more time to get back to him? Jared’s sent text after text over the past two days and received nothing in return. Images of Jensen bleeding out in a gutter attack him at random points during the day. When they occur, he rushes to the toilet, leaning over the bowl. Fortunately, nothing has come up yet, but he still can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

Could Jensen be avoiding him for some reason? What could he have done to force Jensen to do that? Jared wracks his brain for an answer. He comes up short—grasping at straws isn’t going to get him anywhere. Eyeing his phone resting on the coffee table, Jared shuffles forward. Snatching it up, he loosens the grip of the comforter around himself, giving him greater access. With baited breath, Jared puts the phone to his ear, having punched the numbers in for Jensen’s phone.

The dialling sound makes Jared swallow down the lump in his throat. He really needs Jensen to pick up. He needs to talk to his friend. _He needs to know that Jensen is okay._

As if touched by God, the phone picks up on the seventh ring, Jensen’s familiar voice pouring into his ear. Jared sighs, collapsing back into the couch. He immediately yells at Jensen for keeping him in suspense for two days. Jensen’s reply is off and Jared detects it instantly. He frowns, asking Jensen if he’s okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Jay. Just tired, that’s all. Jeffery Dean Morgan watched my performance last night,” Jensen answers, a tinge of glee in his voice, but it’s completely reserved and Jared wants to get to the bottom of it.

For now, he beams. “Seriously? The guy from _JD Sounds?”_ Jeffery Dean Morgan is considered pretty damn big in the country music genre. He’s somewhat of a talent scout. When he hears about an up and comer through the grapevine, he checks out their shows on the down-low. If it turns out that he  likes what he hears, he’ll approach when the performance is over. At the first meeting, he hands over his card, advice to call him and a few words about their potential. He gives them the choice to go ahead with him, as he knows that most people have too much pride and want to make it on their own account, or they could be loyal to their current manager. Jeffery Dean Morgan doesn’t have time to stick around fishing for someone that doesn’t want his hook to reel them in, so it’s left to them to call him and set up their next encounter.

Jared grins. Maybe now Jensen will start seeing how amazing he is? He stomps down the growing need to call Jensen out on his current demeanour. Right now, Jensen just needs someone to listen to him. And that’s what Jared does. He listens as Jensen talks about how nervous he is, that he couldn’t poop this morning, as if he won’t be able to relieve himself until he makes his decision. Jared did his best not to laugh at that part. It would only embarrass the older man. Even through the vivid imagery of Jensen’s teeth grinding, face pinched tight as he pushes and pushes with no success, Jared just listens because that’s what he knows Jensen wants him to do.

“It’s uncomfortable, y’know?”

Jared snorts. “Never been a problem for me, dude.”

“You’d think it would with all that candy you eat.”

“Shut up, douche. That gives me an idea—maybe you should use one of those?” Jared jokes, feeling better than he has in days.

Jared can almost see Jensen’s face scrunching up at that. “Dude, gross. I’m not putting anything up my poop shoot. Expel only.”

“Poop shoot? What are you, five?”

Jensen blows a raspberry. “You’re five.”

“You’re adorable.”

“You’re sexy.”

“You’re hot as balls.”

“I’m stood under an air-vent. They’re pretty breezy.”

Jared licks his lips. “I could warm them up for you?”

“You’d let me teabag you?” Jensen jibes, mirth laced with his tone.

That nearly has Jared choking on his own saliva, but he manages to hold it back. The thought of Jensen standing over him, legs spread, heavy balls dangling just below Jared’s mouth has him hot in all sorts of places. He reminds himself that he’s punishing himself, even though he could totally be getting off to this right now.

“Only if you dress up as Master Chief. I’d suck his balls any day,” Jared mutters, hand subconsciously going to the hem of his shirt. To be fair, he only said that he wouldn’t touch his cock. There are loopholes in his punishment—who would have thought?

“Master Chief’s got nothing on me, Jay. You should know that everything is _bigger_ in Texas,” Jensen replies, and Jared almost creams his pants right there.

“Oh, yeah? How big are you?” Jared knows that to Jensen this is just another round of chicken. With Jared winning every round, Jensen’s been upping his game each time. Jensen doesn’t have to know that Jared’s turned on by everything that he says.

Jensen growls, “Big enough to tear your ass up.”

Jared bites back a moan, throwing the comforters to the floor so he has all the room on the couch that he needs. He may not have showered, but he’s kept himself clean in the places where it counts.

“Doubt it. You’d have to be hung to satisfy me, Jen,” Jared shoots back, discreetly wetting his index finger. After quickly divesting himself of his pants, Jared spreads his legs wide enough to expose his furled entrance to the air.

“Your hole would have to be gaping to take me in, _baby,”_ Jensen husks, subconsciously edging Jared’s finger tip through his rim.

“What would do to me, big boy? Would you make me _feel_ it?” Jared barely manages to force the words out as he starts thrusting his fingers in and out, gently crooking his finger to prod against his prostate every third twitch of his hand.

“I’d make you feel it all week. I’d pound you through the bed, and then keep going until you fell through the floor. You’ll have to get a repair man out once I’m finished with you, Jay.”

“Then what?” Jared asks, slipping a second finger into his hole.

Jensen sounds a tad out of breath as he continues, “I’d come so far up your ass that you’d feel it in the back of your throat, and then I’d pull my dick out of you, lean over your face and make you suck the cum off my cock,” he breathes through the phone, deepening his voice to a level that has Jared sitting down on his fingers, lip caught between his teeth.

“I’d push the cum back inside me then plug it all up so that I feel you for hours afterwards,” Jared retorts, hard as a rock, but only using his slender fingers. He can do this. Jensen can do this for him—use just his voice to get Jared off.

“Yeah? Then once it dries, I’ll pull the plug out then fill you up again like the whore you are,” Jensen adds, and Jared’s eyes glaze over as he feels the pressure in his cock reaching its limit. He thrusts his fingers in harder, trying not to make any noise that might suggest he’s doing anything other than ribbing the older man.

“Your whore, Jen. Just yours. Want you to fill me up until I burst,” Jared swallows the vibrations in his throat, slipping in a third finger to finish him off. When he gets to the end of this, he’s going to call Chicken to prevent suspicion on Jensen’s end.

“You’re just a dirty little slut for my big fat cock, aren’t you? You’ll do anything that I ask, won’t you—, _“Jensen doesn’t know just how right he is—“_ Jay? I could tell you to strip all of your clothes off in a crowded restaurant, and you would do it. You would bend over that table before the waiter can even ask if we’re ready to order. Doesn’t matter because you’d be the only thing on the menu. Ri—“

“ _Stop!”_ Jared snaps, stifling his moan with fingers in his mouth, biting down hard as he shoots all up his shirt, hole twitching around the digits still buried in his hole. Forget imaginary Jensen a few nights ago—that was the best orgasm that he has had to date now. Jared can see this being a usual occurrence.

“What’s that, Jay?” Jensen questions, curiosity in his voice.

Jared deflates. “Chicken, all right. I call Chicken. Holy shit, dude. Anymore of that, and I’ll start to really think that’s what you wanna do to me, Jen.”

“Right, right. Uh, back in a sec’, dude,” Jensen returns, and Jared can hear the sound of a door opening, and then slamming just as quickly. He wonders what Jensen might be doing. He can’t be going for a piss because he’s never once stopped talking to Jared as he sorts out that particular problem, and vice-versa. At one point, they had to piss at the same time and ended up racing to the finish. They even performed Sheldon Cooper’s peeing song from a show that they’re both fans of.

_“Pee for Houston. Pee for Austin. Pee for the state my heart got lost in, and shake twice for Texas.”_

It had been a really lame and dorky thing to do, but that didn’t stop them both from laughing their asses off afterwards.

As far as boundaries go when they’re on the phone to each other, they don’t have any. Jared has seen the relief wash over Jensen’s face as he releases the pressure built up in his groin in to the toilet, while Jared continued to prattle on about random stuff as he does it, ignoring the fact that if Jensen tilted his phone down, Jared would have a view of Jensen’s manhood.

Jared can faintly hear the toilet flushing in the background. Maybe Jensen finally managed to take a dump? Then again, they’ve even stayed on the phone to each other taking care of that business... Jared shrugs, he’ll make a joke and see where that goes.

During Jensen’s time away, Jared managed to clean himself up semi-decently, putting on a clean pair of pants, and washing the cum off his skin. He also successfully caught his breath, which had been a tough feat for the younger man.

Jared hears shuffling before Jensen’s apologizing for the wait, voice slightly wrecked. “No worries, man. Did you finally release the beast?”

Jensen snorts. “I wish. Nah, the toilet was flooding, so I had to take care of it,” he admits, and Jared can detect the moment he scratches his stubble. Jensen does that when he’s nervous. He gets nervous when he lies. Jared decides that he will let this one go, but it won’t be the case forever.

“Okay, dude.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, we get to see Jensen's side of it all! :D Yay. Was Jared to be suspicious? Is Jensen off with him? Find out in the next one. ;D


	8. Chicken P2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen has a lot on his mind at the moment. He doesn't get why he wants to hurt that guy in the picture with Jared. He's been scouted by Jeffery Dean Morgan, and his past is starting to haunt him again. To top it all off, he makes one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you get to see Jensen's side of it all! :D
> 
> Onwards!~!~!~!~!~

Jensen sighs as he reads through the texts that Jared has been sending him for the past few days—none of which he has replied to.

_Hey, how’s Dallas? ;)_

_You okay, dude?_

_I miss you, boyfriend. Call me, yeah?_

_Have you replaced me already? Dx I thought we had something  special. :’(_

_I can do better, I swear!_

_All seriousness now, Jensen. I’m starting to worry about you._

_Have I said something to upset you? If I did, I’m sorry. I would never want to do that to you._

_I’m gonna ring the police in Dallas and put out a search party on you. >.>_

_Jensen. Please, man. Just either text me back or answer my calls._

He wants to. It feels strange not talking to Jared for an entire two days now. Jensen’s having trouble getting his head around the why of things. Why he’s stopping himself from texting back. Why his thumbs hover over the touch-keys, but refuse to bear down on them. Why the image of Jared and that guy in the photo has his hackles rising every time it enters his mind. It’s just a picture, he tells himself over and over again. What’s the big deal about it? So Jared might possibly have a thing for guys? Maybe. Slim chance. It’s not Jared’s hand on the small of that guys back. Other way around. So maybe that dude is gay, and Jared is his friend—Jared said that he has no issues with personal space at all, so it would make sense that he wouldn’t shy away.

That has to be the reason.

Jensen’s not sure why he has a deep need for that to be the case—for it to be the answer to the mystery. _But that’s what he wants._ Does that make him a homophobe? No, it doesn’t. It can’t. To him, love is blind. Anyone that is lucky enough to find it in this world should take the bull by the horns, and ride off into the sunset with it.

Still, the idea that Jared might even be the slightest bit interested in that fucker makes him angry for reasons that he can’t quite put his finger on.

Jensen’s phone blares to life in his hand. He crushes the desire to answer it and tosses it on the bed. Maybe he’s just not ready to talk to Jared with all of these questions flying around his head?

Putting that on hold for now, Jensen distracts himself with thoughts of other things. He ignores his phone starting up again and enters the bathroom, pulling the bottom half of his clothes down to his ankles and seating himself on the toilet. This is where the magic happens—he snorts—some of his songs have started off while he’s been in this position. It’s his time. And his time can be interrupted by visualizations of words appearing in front of him.

Last night, Jensen was given a proposition to take part in an interview that would afford him the chance to be a part of _JD Sounds._ The guy who owns the label came up to him at the end of his set— _his set—_ handed him his card, told him that he had great potential and left. That had been it, but everyone hoping to make it in this industry knows that if Jeffery Dean Morgan likes your talent, your life is about to change in more ways than you can possibly handle in one go. That’s kinds of scary for Jensen. He’s gone his entire life without a semblance of self worth, and now someone _that_ established wishes to put him on their label. He can’t possibly be good enough for that. It’s just not in the cards for him. Sure, he can hold a note and strum his guitar, but that’s not enough to warrant the attention of Jeffery. Dean. Morgan. Stuff like that doesn’t happen to people like him. Not in this life time. Especially not where _Jensen’s_ concerned. Who would want to make him a star? What would they be getting out of it? All it would take is one look into his past, and they would be out the door before he even has a chance to scrawl his signature on the dotted line.

Jensen’s therapist told him that he has trouble letting go of things. To Jensen, it doesn’t take a psychology degree to make that connection. For years it’s always been the same.

_"The past is in the past.”_

_“It’s over now, you should be over it, too.”_

_“Stop dwelling on things that happened years ago, Jensen and concentrate on your life now. Concentrate on_ us.”

_“You’re a grown ass man, so start acting like one.”_

_“He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s gone. No one has seen him in years. You’re safe.”_

What they’ve all told him is true in some ways. That doesn’t stop him from cringing every time a door closes behind him. That doesn’t stop fear pooling in his gut when someone enters his space without permission. That doesn’t stop him from waking up in the middle of the night, layers of sweat coating his body, shaking like the time he overcooked chips.

 _“Who the_ fuck _wants burned chips, Jenny?”_

Daddy didn’t like burned chips. Sure, it had been his first time preparing them, but that didn’t excuse the fact they weren’t perfect. Daddy didn’t accept anything other than perfect. Things below the highest grade meant that it was the lowest grade. Jensen understands now that his Daddy was just looking for excuses, something to justify the crack of his whip against Jensen’s tender back. Something to give reason to locking Jensen in a dark room, heat turned all the way up, making him sweat, craving water as though it were a lifeline—at that point in his life it could quite possibly have been. Daddy needed a pardon for crushing Jensen’s wrist in his palm and throwing Jensen against the wall .

Jensen remembers all the pain. How it would explode on his arm, sprained—later broken when he refused to let Daddy look at it. Doctors would ask him what happened. Jensen learned fast to change the story each time to avoid suspicion. Better to make something up, leave with a sling or several stitches, than to fess up and run the risk of losing the ability to breathe.

Snapping himself out of his thoughts, Jensen groans. He is not going down that road. Not now. He hasn’t thought about that in a long time now. Yes, he still suffers the effects of his sense memory, but they haven’t been vivid depictions scratching their way into Jensen’s line of sight for weeks.

This isn’t doing him any good. He’s been sat for twenty minutes now and nothing has happened. Jensen sighs, standing and covering his lower half back up again. He figures he’ll just try later. Right now, he needs to find something to take his mind off the shit storm in his head.

Jensen decides that he should go for a drink. He doesn’t have anything on today, and Jeffery Dean Morgan never gave him a deadline, so he has time to make his decision. Jensen walks out of the bathroom, collecting his room card from his bed. He decides against his phone for now. If Jared keeps ringing him, he might be forced to answer this time.

Shaking his head, Jensen snatches his jacket from the back of the chair, stripping it over his back and exiting the room. The people here are nice, but he hasn’t talked to them all that much. It doesn’t come easy to him. Rarely does he feel comfortable enough to tell someone the time, depending on the state of his mind. Oddly, that’s never been the case with Jared. Since meeting him, Jensen has been more vibrant than ever before. He looks forward to their conversations, even the ones that consist of trying to win at Chicken. Jensen also like the sexual banter between them. It’s all fun and games, so he doesn’t mind characterizing Jared as his _baby_ or _boyfriend_ or _sexy beast._ The words just seem to fall out of his mouth through their own accord.

Jensen makes it to the hotel bar in less than a minute. He orders himself a whiskey chaser to start off with. The bartender looks ready to ask Jensen if he’s doing okay, but refrains when Jensen ducks his head, not meeting the other man’s eyes. Jensen’s sure that the bartender can tell from his actions that he just wants to be left alone right now.

Another chaser enters his blood stream. He relishes the burn at the back of his throat, lapping up the sensations of the liquid  animating the veins scattered all over his body.

_“Alcohol won’t make the pain go away, Jensen. You should try talking to someone—maybe someone who has gone through something similar to you. That way, you’ll know that there is someone there with you that understands what you’ve been through.”_

Chasers turn to double Morgans. Jensen is used to it by now. This has been his remedy for years. His therapist is right about it not making the pain going away, but it certainly dulls the ache for even just a little while. Besides, it’ll take more than this to have him plastered. All he needs to do is get to the point where he’s teetering on the edge of hammered. That seems to be his alcoholic sweet spot, so that’s what he’s going for.

The bartender casts glances at him sometimes. Jensen ignores him completely other than the moments where he requests another round. Jensen almost smirks at the way the dude is genuinely surprised that his words aren’t slurring yet.

He’s a professional. Not an alcoholic. Just dependant on it when it counts.

_“It’s a depressant. The more you drink the worse you are going to feel. Don’t you understand that?”_

No. He doesn’t. It feels great most of the time. Hangovers are a thing of the past now. In time, his stomach grew strong stuff, accommodating the alcohol that poured in through Jensen’s throat.

_“I wish that you would listen to me. I can’t help you if you don’t meet me at least half way.”_

There is no halfway when it comes to Jensen. It’s just him alone in his bubble, with no outsiders breaking through the wall. He keeps up a tight schedule of guards to scout the perimeter when potential threats come along. Jensen wards them off with ease, brushing past them, never acknowledging the hands reaching out to help him.

Why would someone want to help him? Why would someone like Jared want to help him? It’s absurd. Jared is a ray of sunshine, and Jensen’s just a dark cloud looming over him, blocking out the fractures of sun fighting to break through.

_“So you’ve reached that point, huh? Jen? Look at me, man. You’re not alone anymore. I’m here—just try your best not to think about it.”_

Chris had no idea that Jensen had actually been listening to him at the time. Not that it had helped in the slightest. Chris’s Dad hadn’t known about the things that Jensen suffered through, so when he shouted at them both for messing around with a BB Gun, Jensen fell into himself, the light seemingly a farce—only darkness shrouding his entire being.

He snapped out of that one thanks to Chris throwing a bucket of water over his head. Ordinarily something like that wouldn’t have worked at the time, but in that instance, it seemed as though it had been exactly what he had needed.

Jensen recalls Jared falling to his knees in front of him after a shot of panic went through his eyes due to Jared’s towering figure. _“I know that I just met you, and this looks really weird, but I want you to know that you can talk to me—wherever, whenever, and if this is how it needs to be for you to do that, then that’s fine with me,”_ Jared had said to him, looking ridiculous kneeling on the floor. For some reason, though, Jensen had felt reassured by his words—he believed what Jared had been telling him.

Jensen grins, throwing another shot back. Jared got him from the word go. He listened to his lyrics and discerned the true meaning behind them, as if he was Jensen’s ghost writer documenting his life to the extent that he knew every nook and cranny because he experienced it with Jensen.

_“Who’s this Jared person? He seems really special to you.”_

_Jensen half smiles, scratching the lobe of his right ear. “Yeah… He kinda is.”_

His therapist had smiled so wide when he said that. Jensen hadn’t been surprised, as that was the first time since their sessions started ten years ago that Jensen said something positive about someone, and nearly— _nearly—_ smiled.

Jensen orders one more shot. As it joins the rest on the way down, Jensen leaves some bills on the bar. He walks steadily back to the elevator, moving to the third floor where his room is. Slotting the card in, Jensen unlocks the door and enters the room, kicking the door shut with the heel of his shoe.

The phone lying on the bed is the first thing that dawns on him. Jensen slips his shoes off, falling out of his jacket at the same time. He needs some air, so he stands by the air-vent , letting the breeze wash over him. It’s nice. Really nice. Jensen relaxes into the sensation, tipping his neck back and closing his eyes in bliss.

He keeps himself there as he checks the new messages on his phone.

_I need to know that you’re okay._

_Please call me._

_Come on, man. This isn’t funny!_

Jensen slides a palm down his face. He feels mellow and calm all of a sudden. Must have hit his alcoholic sweet spot. He’s about to reflect on that, when his phone comes to life in his hand. Jensen knows immediately that it’s Jared, and he really wants to answer it.

One buzz.

_It’s Jared. I like Jared._

Two buzz.

_But I don’t know what’s going on in my head…_

Three buzz.

_Jared makes me happy. I deserve to be happy, right?_

Four buzz.

_Maybe just to tell him the news about Jeffery Dean Morgan?_

Five buzz.

_I’m being ridiculous. It’s not Jared’s fault I’m screwed up._

Six buzz.

_Jared said he was getting worried. He’s… worried about me. I should answer him._

Seven buzz.

Jensen jabs his thumb into the call answering button, releasing the breath he didn’t realize he was holding until now away from the phone.

“Where the hell have you been all this time, man? I’ve been going out of mind with worry. Are you okay?” Jared scolds him down the phone, and Jensen doesn’t see it as a threat—he feels loved.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Jay. Just tired, that’s all. Jeffery Dean watched my performance last night,” Jensen relays, biting his lip in anticipation for Jared’s reply.

“Seriously? The guy from _JDSounds?_ “ Jared sounds so enthusiastic, like Jensen’s already on the label, and this is just him announcing it for the first time. Jensen explains the results of his first meeting with Jeffery Dean Morgan, about how he told him that he had potential and the like. Then, he went on to say that the news made him so nervous that he hasn’t been able to have a shit today.

“It’s uncomfortable, y’know?”

Jared snorts. “Never been a problem for me, dude.”

“You’d think it would with all that candy you eat,” Jensen mumbles with a roll of his eyes. Jared eats so much candy that he shouldn’t just be having problems relieving himself, he should be shitting rainbows.

“Shut up, douche. That gives me an idea—maybe you should use one of those?” Jared jokes,  and Jensen cringes like he just saw his Grandma in the shower. What the hell? A douche, seriously? He gets that it serves a purpose for some people, but the thought of squeezing water up his ass—no way.

“Dude, gross. I’m not putting anything up my poop shoot. Expel only.”

“Poop shoot? What are you, five?”

Jensen blows a raspberry, genuinely stuck for anything better to say at this point other than, “You’re five.”

“You’re adorable.” For the record, he is _not_ adorable. He’s a man, not a dog.

“You’re sexy.”

“You’re hot as balls.”

“I’m stood under an air-vent. They’re pretty breezy,” he shoots back, almost cracking up at the reality of this.

“I could warm them up for you?” Jensen frowns when his cock twitches behind its binds. Yeah, he likes getting his balls sucked, but certainly not by his friend… His _best_ friend.

“You’d let me teabag you?” he jibes, mirth laced with his tone. Hopefully, Jared won’t have noticed how long he paused.

While Jared clearly thinks of a witty retort, Jensen works to rid his thoughts of slapping his penis on Jared’s tongue before shoving Jared’s face into his crotch to take Jensen’s balls into his mouth. This is so not the thoughts that he should be thinking right now. And his blood definitely shouldn’t be rushing to his cock.

“Only if you dress up as Master Chief. I’d suck his balls any day.”

Jensen almost scoffs. Fuck Master Chief.

“Master Chief’s got nothing on me, Jay. You should know that everything is  _bigger_  in Texas,” Jensen replies, fingers tracing the button on his jeans. _Stop it. What the hell are you doing?_

“Oh, yeah? How big are you?”

Jensen growls, “Big enough to tear your ass up.” Where is this all coming from? He’s never been this… In to their Chicken games. Jensen blames the alcohol coursing through his body. That has to be the reason he’s even slightly turned on. It has to be the answer to the question of why his buttons are undone now.

“Doubt it. You’d have to be hung to satisfy me, Jen.”

If only Jared knew.

“Your hole would have to be gaping to take me in,  _baby,”_ Jensen husks, working his cock out in to the open. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. He should just call chicken, and then it would all be over. But he’s not. He doesn’t _want_ to.

“What would do to me, big boy? Would you make me  _feel_ it?”

Jensen starts seeing Jared laid out on his bed, legs bent back as far as they can go, revealing his puckered hole. Jensen’s never gotten turned on by the thought of a dudes asshole before, but dammit if he doesn’t want to slide on home into Jared right this second.

_It’s the booze. It has to be the booze._

“I’d make you feel it all week. I’d pound you through the bed, and then keep going until you fell through the floor. You’ll have to get a repair man out once I’m finished with you, Jay,” Jensen answers, stroking his hand along his cock, gathering the mess as the top. He uses it to slicken his jerks, inadvertently thrusting his hips into his hand, Jared’s sweat mattered hair tied between his fingers as he fucks in to Jared’s pliant body playing out in his mind.

“Then what?” Jared asks, and Jensen disregards the desperation in his voice.

Jensen sounds a tad out of breath as he continues, “I’d come so far up your ass that you’d feel it in the back of your throat, and then I’d pull my dick out of you, lean over your face and make you suck the cum off my cock,” he breathes through the phone, deepening his voice to a level that he would use on the younger man, bending him to his will in all the right ways.

“I’d push the cum back inside me then plug it all up so that I feel you for hours afterwards,” Jared retorts, and Jensen’s eyes blow wide. _Fuck… That’s actually really hot…_ Jensen increases his pace, imagining the scene—what would he say next?

“Yeah? Then once it dries, I’ll pull the plug out then fill you up again like the whore you are,” Jensen adds, liking the idea of Jared being so willing to do things for him. He wonders how far Jared would go. _This is sick. He’s your friend. You’re jerking off to fucking your friend. Gonna need more than therapy to get passed this one._

“Your whore, Jen. Just yours. Want you to fill me up until I burst.”

My _whore…_

“You’re just a dirty little slut for my big fat cock, aren’t you? You’ll do anything that I ask, won’t you _,_ Jay? I could tell you to strip all of your clothes off in a crowded restaurant, and you would do it. You would bend over that table before the waiter can even ask if we’re ready to order. Doesn’t matter because you’d be the only thing on the menu. Ri—“

“Stop!” Jared snaps.

_Wow. That’s the first time I’ve won…_

“What’s that, Jay?” Jensen questions, curiosity in his voice. It’s not like Jared to give up so easily. Jensen had once thought that Jared didn’t possess a limit to this game, that he could keep going and going and going, never stopping because he isn’t ashamed of anything.

So, why now? Maybe he took it too far? Maybe Jared’s disgusted with him, of how vivid his descriptions were— _and you’re still jerking off._

“Chicken, all right. I call Chicken. Holy shit, dude. Anymore of that, and I’ll start to really think that’s what you wanna do to me, Jen.”

_What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?_

Now he’s lost Jared forever. Jared must think that he’s the most disgusting person to ever walk the planet. How could he have let it go this far? He should have just tapped out near the beginning…

“Right, right. Uh, back in a sec’, dude,” Jensen returns, leaving his phone on the bed as he rushes to the bathroom. He’s still _so_ turned on right now that he has to find some sort of release. Positioning himself over the toilet, Jensen plays out the rest of his fantasy—Jared clenching around him, begging Jensen for harder, more—that it all feels so amazing—Jensen is the best that he’s ever been with. Jensen would make it so _fucking_ good for Jared, the guy has no idea. He would work him open until Jared is gasping for breath, pounding himself down on Jensen’s fingers. Jared would beg him so pretty for the next part— _No! This is so fucking wrong. He’s your friend, not a whore. He’s a dude—the greatest person that you have ever met, and you are not going to ruin this!_ Even as he mentally berates himself for all the things that are wrong about this, his hips stutter as he releases into the toilet, lip caught between his teeth, eyes scrunching closed.

His breath is ragged as he rides the waves of his orgasm, spreading the cum out with his thumb.

 _You are revolting. Disgusting. Abhorrent. A_ fucking _stain on society._

Jensen flushes the toilet, watching his guilt disappear into the mouth, wondering if it could cleanse him at the same time. He knows that that isn’t a possibility. Jensen washes his hands, cleaning the cum off the end of his cock. When he’s all done, he reenters his bedroom, sitting down on the edge as he resituates his phone.

“Sorry about that, dude.”

“No worries, man. Did you finally release the beast?” Jared jests with him, and he wishes that that were the case with everything that he has.

Jensen snorts. “I wish. Nah, the toilet was flooding, so I had to take care of it,” he lies, scratching at his stubble. Jared doesn’t need to know the truth. He never needs to know the truth. What is all this? Why did he think about Jared in that way? What is going on with him? This all needs to stop. Things need to go back to the way they were. It’s time for denial, and maybe a break from any form of mood-changers.

“Okay, dude,” Jared replies back to him, sounding unsure, but clearly not going to push it.

_You really are my best friend, Jay. I just wish I could prove to you how much._

 

 

 

 


	9. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared appears on TV. He thinks the host is a bit of a weirdo, who could definitely pass for the Cheshire cat from Alice In Wonderland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ON A ROLLLLLLLL~!~!~!~!~!~~
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~~!

Movie night went off without a hitch. Not once did Jared even think of the guy sitting next to him in a sexual way. That’s not sarcasm—he truly didn’t. Jared figures that it must have been the one-sided phone sex that he had with Jensen. Since then, nothing even comes close to turning him on. Stephen’s outfit had left little to the imagination. All Jared could do was tease him about his haircut, which started a ribbing match between them. Jared had won with ease—he had way too much practise when it came to that game, and he’s definitely not going to lose to a _noob_. Lord knows that he just recently got creamed by Jensen— _in more ways than one—_ and taking another hit would damage his ego. Jared can’t have that now. At the end of the movie, they exchanged stories of where they had been when they heard _Ring of Fire_ for the first time in their lives—Jared had been waiting at the bus stop to get to school. Someone had stopped their car to wait for the light, and Jared had heard the lyrics leaking through the crack in the man’s window. After that encounter, he tracked down the name of the song; the artist and the closest store that had been selling Johnny Cash’s album at the time. Safe to say that Stephen’s story hadn’t held a candle to Jared’s, and so they had declared Jared the victor.

As of this moment, Jared sits in the guest waiting room of a TV studio. He’s nervous about being seen on TV, and not shielded by his guitar or a microphone stand. Those are usually the things that soothe him, as they cover what it is that they can of his body, and therefore leave him not completely exposed to the audience. That’s not to say that he’s ashamed of his body. He knows that he’s hot stuff by now. Other musicians understand what he goes through—all those people focusing on them, with no band or backing dancers to distract attention away from them. Genres that differ from Country might find it easier, for they have bands, or dancers. When a musician braves the stage, just his guitar and his voice the only attributes he can use to stand out, the audience can be more than daunting.

Jared missed Jensen’s return from Dallas. It sucked that their dates coincided with each other. Jensen wished him luck with being on TV, though. That had made Jared smile. Even if Jensen has been acting off with him for the past week, Jared can’t help but soak in the small appraisals or the cryptic confessions that Jensen has been spouting lately. Before he got on his plane that would take him to New York, Jared made Jensen promise that they would meet up when he returns home tomorrow. He can’t possibly go _another_ day without laying eyes on the man. Who would want to go more than a minute away from that face or body or voice—or dorky personality? Jared doesn’t, but his manager is making him do it, so at least he has some kind of excuse.

Vibrations massage the inner-layer of Jared’ jeans. Sliding his hand into his pocket, Jared acquires his phone. His face lights up at the message appearing on the screen from Jensen.

_You’ll be great. He’ll love you, man. What’s not to love? Also, don’t wanna steal any of your thunder, Thor... But, I, uh, I met with Jeffery Dean Morgan again, and... My album debuts a month from now. Anyway, we’ll talk about that later. Two things to celebrate, am I right? If I don’t catch you tonight, sweet dreams, kid._

Jared couldn’t be happier for Jensen. He’s been struggling with the idea for days now, yelling at Jared that he’s not ready for this—that he doesn’t deserve it; not all things are the way they seem; in what universe is he good enough for that? Jensen had been terrified that the guy would turn out to hate him like countless other people in his life. After a lot of persuasion from Jared—scolding Jensen down the phone about how he does deserve this; fuck what other people think; this is his dream; his opportunity to make something of himself—if he didn’t take it, Jared would do a press conference explaining the troubles of Jensen’s digestive system. Jensen had immediately caved after that, agreeing that he would say yes, meet up with Jeffery Dean Morgan and see how it goes. That’s all Jared ever wanted out of that.

As it turns out, Jensen had managed to relieve himself the next day. He categorized it to Jared as _the shit worthy of Godzilla._ Jared had told him that he probably looked more like the hulk by the end of it, but what the hell, it’s Jensen’s shit story. After which they agreed that they should consider cutting off all conversations about poop, as it had been dinner time. With grunts of approval, they had moved on to something else. Something a little less stomach churning.

Now, Jensen is on his way to having his own album. Jared can’t wait. He’s going to be the first person lining up to purchase one. Jensen had offered to sign one for him, and deliver it by hand to Jared, marking it as the first limited edition straight from the horses’ mouth. Jared had declined, saying that he wanted to buy one. In return, Jensen will right a really cute, soppy message about how much he loves Jared and how he would die without him and that he won’t be satisfied until he’s standing at the isle watching Jared stroll down it in a rocking tux made by Jared’s mother.

_“That’s really long-winded, dude. Can I at least abbreviate some stuff?” Jensen whined, lips full on pouting at Jared on the screen._

_Jared flashed his killer dimples. “Guess are friendship means nothing to you. It’s okay, I’ll just ask some other dude who wants my fine ass—“_

_Jensen cut him off. “All right, all right. Don’t be such a petty asshole. I’ll marry you, dork.”_

_Cocking his head to the side, Jared smirks. “I don’t see you down on one knee.”_

_“Honey, we’re not even married yet,” Jensen fired back with a wink, scrambling through drawers for something. Jared laughed when Jensen reappeared with a candy ring, kissing it with his gorgeous lips, then pressing it against the phone. “Slide it on your finger, Jay. Let’s make this official.”_

_“You are such a dork.”_

_“You love it.”_

Jared does. _He really does_. Sometimes he wonders if Jensen ever takes a moment to think about some of the things that they joke about—the things that Jared inadvertently gets him to act out. If he did, Jared’s sure that Jensen would be suspicious about certain stuff by now... Like the time they challenged each other to who looks hotter making out with an apple. Jensen had won that one by a _sensual_ mile. Prior to that moment, Jared had never been jealous of a piece of fruit. That’s Jensen, though—making everything look like sex.

Just as Jared is sending his reply text, a woman with a clipboard enters his line of sight. He looks up at her, flashing his award-winning smile, which he can see rubs her the right way. She narrowly avoids his eyes as he secures his big hand over her small one, shaking twice.

“We’ll be, um... ready for you in just a few moments, okay?” she stammers, awkwardly fiddling with the arms of her sleeves.

“Sure,” Jared mutters, feeling sorry for the woman almost shitting a brick in front of him. He decides that he’ll get to the point for her. Taking the pen from her, Jared writes his signature on the collar of her shirt. She smiles up at him, eyes showing the gratitude. Jared tips his hat at her, thanking her for letting him know.

Weird moment over with, Jared takes a calming breath. He knows that it’s just TV, and no one is expecting him to be a natural, but his fans are going to be tuning in to watch him. Jim made the decision to send out a tweet on Jared’s account. Dude really likes to control his life sometimes. Once it was out there, Jared couldn’t do anything about it, so he just told himself that it’s just going to be him and the other guy. That’s it. Nothing in between. _No millions of people watching him_. Just him and that guy. Whatever his name is. Jared can’t remember... Mason? Mika? Who knows? Jared’s sure that the  guy will tell him his name when he gets on there.

“Okay, folks. Our next guest is Jared Tristan Padalecki, a Texan boy with a beautiful country sound that I myself _love._ Please welcome him with open arms, ladies and gentlemen,” the dude announces. Jared runs a shaking hand through his hair, whacks on a smile, readjusts his hat and walks out on to the stage, throwing a wave to his side as he takes the offered seat.

The TV guy has baby blue eyes, dark hair, and could quite possibly get away with dressing up as the Cheshire cat from _Alice In Wonderland._

Jared shakes the offered hand. “Nice to meet you, uh...”

“Misha,” the guy supplies, seemingly not at all surprised that Jared has trouble recalling his name. What the hell kind of name is Misha, anyway? “And, the pleasure is all mine. So, you’re here to talk about your upcoming album, am I right?” Misha questions, clearly used to this, as the confidence in his executions are to be desired.

“Uh, yeah,” Jared supplies unhelpfully, strapped for anything more to say.

“I’d like to start with a few questions that fans have submitted to me. Would you be okay with that?” Misha leans back in his chair, one leg crossing over the other, finger touching his cheek. Jared wishes that he could look that relaxed right now.

“Sure, I don’t see why not.”

Misha grins. “Great. First question,” he begins, taking an envelope from one of the crew, opening it up. “What inspires you? Says Jenifer from Austin, Texas. I’m sure Jared thanks you for your question, Jenifer. All right, Jared. Go ahead,” Misha encourages, extending his hand in a show of indication that the floor is all Jared’s.

Jared turns to the camera, assuming that Jenifer is watching at home. “Uh, hi, Jenifer. What inspires me? Well, to be honest, not one thing inspires me. A lot of things do. It could be an insect trying to cross a road—which is actually what inspired _Struggle on the Road—“_

“Oh, really? So the line—“ _small, but strong, he’ll carry on”—_ is a representation of that?”

Jared frowns, not really a fan of being interrupted. “Yeah, it is— _“with the shell on his back, there’s nothing that can cause a crack”—_ defines the strength that we disregard in critters. Like an Ant, for example. They can carry up to multiple times their own weight. I think that’s amazing—I guess, I’m inspired by what amazes me, to answer your question, Jenifer,” Jared answers, thinking about what amazes him most at this time in his life. He wonders if Jensen is watching...

“I see. I see. That’s very interesting, Jared. Okay, moving on. Question two is from Ashley from Orange County. Ashley says: If you could marry anyone in the entire world, who would it be?” Misha shifts in his seat, leaning an elbow on the armrest. “Getting a bit personal there. Are you okay with—“

Jared focuses on the camera. If Jensen is watching, then he’ll say something about this later. Jared is sure of it. Grinning broadly, Jared admits the words to the front-facing camera.

“My best friend.”

“And who might that be?” Misha asks, curious.

“That’s all I’m saying,” Jared teases, starting to relax a little more now. He’s getting used to the cameras. He’s blocking out everything else. The flashes of the phones in the audience aren’t drawing his attention—he’s keeping it on Misha.

“Ooooh. Mystery girl, aye? Fair enough. Our last question is from Jensen... Oh, a dude, I guess. Jensen’s question is: Will you do a collaboration with me for my first album? Wow, that’s a big ask...” Misha mouths off, obviously wondering what this one is about. Jared grins so wide his cheeks almost hurt. No one will know who Jensen is, as he hasn’t _come out_ to the public yet. Jared thinks the man is a genius... And what a nice gesture. Jensen must be watching if he managed to set this whole question thing up. Hiding the adoration that wants to explode from his body, Jared refocuses his eyes to Misha.

“It’s not a big ask at all,” Jared says, moving over to camera two. He closes the distance between himself and the camera as much as he possibly can. “Of course I will, dork,” Jared mutters, happy beyond the meaning, and makes a kissy face at the screen before laying one on the glass.

“Well, other than whoever that Jensen guy was, you just made a lot of girls faint, Jared,” Misha jests, inclining his head for Jared to return to his seat. Jared does so, purposefully adding a bounce to the globes of his cheeks as he walks away, aiming a wink over his shoulder.

There are a few hollers, wolf-whistles, and outright screams of joy. Jared ignores them all. That wasn’t for them. It was _all_ for Jensen.

“Who is Jensen?”

Jared pushes his hat back. “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

Laughing outright, Misha slaps his knee. “You’re a lady killer and a funny guy. I’m sure whoever your best friend is, she’s one lucky girl.”

“Yeah,” Jared mumbles, disinterested in this now.

They talk about Jared’s album for a while. Jared mentions that it’s still in the works, but it will be on the stands in time for the release date. Jim advised him to keep mentioning the date and what stores would be taking the most stock, so Jared does his best to promote himself, without seeming like an ass. He imagines that nobody is thinking that, as the posture of the audience isn’t changing at all. Maybe they don’t know what he’s doing?

Misha brings him back to the essence of his music, as well as the tid-bit that Jim had offered Misha when they set this up about Jared wanting to work a new song on to his new album. Jared tells him that he’s in the process of writing it—that it’s different to the songs that he has written before, as he hopes for it to be personal to him, and the person depicted in it.

“Is this your best friend?” Misha inquires, grinning.

Jared blushes. “Uh, yeah.”

The audience coo and _aww._ Jared rejects it all. He only wants that sort of reaction from Jensen. Will Jensen be okay with him writing a song about him? Is he going to think that Jared is a total freak for it? Jensen has problems in his life— _in his past—_ him writing a song for Jared makes sense. The other way around might not.

Jared shrugs. It could go either way. Jensen might be happy that he wrote a song about him. Jensen might open up to him more, depending on the affect of the song. Jared really would like that to happen again—he’s been wondering about what else Jensen has to say since the older man admitted to speaking about him in his therapy sessions.

“Okay, we have a few minutes left, Jared. Are you sure I can’t persuade you to tell us a little something about your _best friend?_ ”

Sighing, Jared figures that there’s no harm.

“Dorky, but adorable. Shy, but sweet. Introverted, but the best kind of person that you’ll ever meet in your life. That’s all I’m saying,” Jared declares.

With that said, Misha thanks Jared for his time, reminds everyone about when Jared’s new album: _A Rainy Day in Texas_ reaches the stands, and shakes Jared’s hand. Jared is glad that it’s all over with. He’s going to make sure that Jim knows he’s not going to be doing this often. Too much to deal with. Too many questions to tackle, and it’s not that fun.

As Jared is leaving the studio, he gets a text.

_Can we talk? Not on the phone. Just, come see me when you get back. You look good on TV._

Jared’s heart flutters, and then he starts to worry what those words may mean for them. _Can we talk?_  means so many different things; holds all sorts of variations—none of which are good. Oh, God. Jared hopes—fucking prays—that this is the exception of all those other types.

_What could Jensen want to say that he can’t over the phone?_

 

 


	10. I'm A Freak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is about to find out what it is that Jensen wanted to talk to him about... Until Jensen has an episode, and Jared doesn't have a clue what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst in this chapter. :x 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~

Jared’s plane touched down ten minutes ago. If he hadn’t been nudged into focus, he never would have noticed. From the moment Jared read that text, he’s been obsessing over it. This isn’t a usual kind of obsessing—this is playing scenarios in your head that are ten times worse than the one before it. Thinking that Jensen is going to end their friendship—say that he doesn’t have the room in his life for a larger than life character like Jared, which would crush the younger man; Jensen confessing that he hasn’t got that long left to live, and that he doesn’t want to put Jared through something like that—Jared would stay by his side up until the end if that were the case, and he would never stop trying to make the older man laugh; Jensen announcing that he’s met some girl, they’ve been seeing each other for a while, and they’ve decided to tie the knot—Jared would attempt to be happy for him. He really would... For some reason, that scenario would hurt him the most. To sum it all up, Jared has done nothing but worry following that moment.

Now, he’s back in Texas. Soon, he’ll be meeting up with Jensen so that they can _talk._ What the hell could it be? Why did Jensen have to leave him in suspense, ready to tear his own hair out? It’s not fair. Jared bets that Jensen hasn’t been stressing like this—then again, depending on what it is, that might very well be the case. Jared pushes the current Jared proposing-a-theory-in-his-mind aside. They’re starting to take up too much room, and he needs to screw his head back on.

For all he knows, there is _nothing_ to worry about. Except there totally is because Jensen has something to say to him— _something_ that needs to be said in person. Jared is completely against breaking up with someone over the phone, but in this instance, he might actually be okay with it. At least it would take away the intensity of his fussing over something that he doesn’t quite know if he needs to fuss—none of this is making any sense. His mind is going to explode if he doesn’t get some type of answer soon.

Chad is picking him up from the airport. He insisted. Also, he’s good at fending off the Paps. Jared really doesn’t want to have to deal with them at the moment, when he can’t even gather the ability to speak. Aside from that, they can be insufferable sometimes—believing every lie that’s told to them, expanding on it because it could make for a good story; something juicy to put Jared in his place. Normally, when rumours fly around about some girl he’s been seeing on and off, he just says that his only lover at the moment is his music. The Paps always look like they want to kill him, purely due to fact that they walk away with nothing. Then again, sometimes that plan backfires. They end up making some random shit up, and then Jim yells at him for letting  it happen. And then Jared yells at Jim to just take care of it, that he doesn’t need that sort of thing. Safe to say that he’s definitely not going to be able to deal with it at this current stage in his life.

Outside, Chad is peering at him through the window of his car. They’re both judging the distance from the tall plant that Jared’s conveniently hanging around, and Chad’s beat up truck.  Chad signals for him to go on his count. They lock eyes, Chad unlocking the back door. The second Jared moves beyond the plant, someone is going to recognise him, so they have to execute this without any mistakes.

Chad signals for him to go. Jared darts out in to plain sight, ignoring the girly screams, and the exclamations of his name, coupled with the disbelief of him being here. _He does live in Texas_. Jared rolls his eyes, widening his strides as Chad does a swerve, grinding along the tarmac, swinging to a stop right next to Jared’s feet, hand unclasping the backdoor handle, offering Jared refuge. Seconds later, Jared is diving into the back of the car, feet dangling a little as Chad revs the engine, throwing  his middle finger up to the crowd as he barrels out of the airport.

Jared grins, slamming the door shut. “That was close.”

“You’re telling me, dude.”

Jared doesn’t say much on the car ride home. He doesn’t really think that he can. When Chad asks him about how it went, Jared’s reply is short, and just barely getting the point across. Jared can already tell that Chad’s mulling his attitude over in his head, trying to work out what is wrong with him, but ultimately lets it all go, which Jared is very grateful for. Chad can get intense when he wants answers. Maybe Jared should borrow some of that going in? Or would that sort of approach make Jensen tense up, and result in Jared never finding out what it was that Jensen had to say? That’s not happening. No person can handle being told that they need to talk to someone, and then suffer through not knowing what it was in the first place. Jared shudders. He knows that if that happens, he’s going to completely lose his mind. Not at Jensen—maybe he’ll get back into the gym for a bit. Kick the shit out of boxing bag, and then run for a few hours. All of that sounds like a lot of work, though, and his personal trainer never lets him leave. Well, she does... Eventually, after he’s created a new river on the floor.

Genevieve is quite possibly clinically insane. At least, that’s what Jared thinks, with the way that she has him doing all sorts of things that the human body should not be able to cope with—somehow getting him through to the finish line. A few years ago, he agreed to join the Marathon for an AIDS charity. At first, he berated himself, thinking that there was absolutely no way in hell that he could go through with the whole thing. Then little Genevieve met up with him at the gym, flashing a caring smile, and taking his hand in her tiny one. Suddenly, everything changed, and she turned into a drill-sergeant. Jared thinks that he still has eternal muscle-tears thanks to her. At the end of it all, they had become friends. She told him to hit her up if he’s ever looking to get back into shape again. He had frowned, asked her what she was implying, but she had just shaken her head, a ghost of a hand on his shoulder the only answer he was getting.

Nevertheless, that’s only if whatever this thing is with Jensen goes south tonight. Jared’s really hoping that this is all nothing—that he hasn’t the slightest reason to worry. Jared’s fine with where they are in their relationship. He’s not expecting anything to change for the better, or for the worst. Things between them are comfortable, and that’s how it should remain. Adding things to the mix complicates things. Jared is happy with where they are, and knows that if Jensen just allowed him to explain—whatever it is that he may or may not have to—they can go on just the way that have been.

Chad is watching him in the mirror. Jared can see that he wants to ask him what’s going on, but is stopping himself for Jared’s sake. Even if Jared is prepared to offer up some kind of answer, he’s not sure that it would be accurate at the moment. All he has to do is look onwards—onwards with the belief that this is all just a misunderstanding in his mind. That everything is fine between them. That Jensen hasn’t discovered Jared gets off to his voice... Please, world, don’t let it be that!

When Chad pulls up to Jared’s house, he feels like his heart is about to burst. Jensen is waiting on his step. This hadn’t been the plan. There wasn’t a plan to begin with, but this wasn’t it. Jensen looks like he’s still not sure if he has the right place, up until Jared steps foot out of the car, holding a hand up in warning to Chad, who’s about ready to snap at Jensen—clearly cautious of the stranger, which is typical Chad to Jared.

Chad gives Jared a look, and he signals something that means the guy isn’t a threat. Chad seems to settle down, tapping his fist against Jared’s, and then he’s observing the beat up truck peeling off into the sunset. Jared breathes out, whacks on a smile, and finally turns to face his friend. Jensen is looking at him like he’s insane. That’s always a good start.

“Hey,” Jared says easily, taking a tentative step towards the older man.

Jensen scratches the side of his face. “Uh, hey. Can we go in to your house?”

Jared walks passed him, sticks his key in the lock, and welcomes them both to his home. He’s about to offer a tour, but then he remembers that he’s been going nuts over the past however many hours, and so this has to happen _right now._

They both sit on the couch, either end. Jared desperately wants to move closer, but he stops himself. This is not the time for crowding. This is the time for listening, and Jensen getting to the point already.

Jared decides to prompt him. “So, you wanted to tell me-_”

“Yeah. Uh, just... Let me speak, and then you can say whatever you want, okay?” Jared nodes eagerly, settling back against the cushions. “I can’t go on being your friend—“Jared’s heart shatters into a million pieces. Jensen doesn’t want to be his friend anymore? Wait, no. Dial it back. He’s still talking—“until I get this out in the open,” Jensen starts, posture nervous as all hell, and Jared wants to kick himself for focusing on just how adorable Jensen is being right now. “My therapist pointed something out to me. Something scary... Something I’m not really comfortable telling people, y’know?—“Jared feels like he’s about to vomit. Is this Jensen telling him that his therapist noticed a lump, which sent Jensen to the doctor, and he found out he has—no, don’t be a moron. Therapists aren’t those sorts of Doctors. They can’t make that assumption. Jared stills himself, rewinding Jensen’s words in his head—“I’ve been dreaming about you. About, uh... _Us._ And I can’t be your friend, when my body and my mind are telling me that I want to be something else—“ Wait, what? Jensen has been dreaming about him? Jensen wants to be _something_ else? What could this all mean? Why can’t Jared’s heart beat like a normal persons?--“She told me that the more I deny this, the worse off I’m going to be. She also said that even if you don’t feel the same way, I’ll feel better for telling you—“ Cue cute ear scratch—“That sounds like a pile of shit to me, but, uh... here goes,” Jensen makes eye-contact with Jared for the first time since he started whatever this is. Jared waits with baited breath, terrified for what Jensen could mean by all of this. “Jared, I... uh...”

Jared waits. And waits. Holds on for that bit extra until he’s sure that he’s about to spontaneously combust. He ducks down, thinking that Jensen is just going over in his head whatever it is that he has to say. That’s when Jared spots Jensen’s lips moving, like he’s saying words, but they’re not hard enough to fill the room. Frowning, Jared leans in closer, tilting his head a tad.

_“No one will ever love you, Jenny. You drive people away, like your Mother. You weren’t put on this earth to be loved, Jenny. You were put on this earth to fend for yourself.”_

This doesn’t sound like something that Jensen would say, even if the guy does talk to himself. Jared’s getting worried. Jensen isn’t moving, aside from his lips and he keeps repeating those lines over and over. What he’s doing isn’t normal behaviour... What the hell should Jared do? He tries saying his name, tapping his shoulder, waving a hand in his eyes. Nothing. Nothing is working. Jensen is sitting there, mumbles spilling from his lips, hands clasped tightly together. There’s sweat forming on his skin. Jared touches a finger to Jensen’s arm, feeling the heat boiling underneath the tanned flesh. Jared wonders if this could be some sort of fever.

As he goes to try and move Jensen to a cooler area of the building, Jensen ducks away from him. He falls off the couch in his efforts to get away, crawling into the kitchen. He drags himself under the table, curling his knees to his chest.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Daddy—don’t hurt me. I didn’t mean to send Mommy away!” Jensen screams, and it sounds so juvenile, like there’s a five year old in his presence, and not a man in his early thirties. 

“Jensen? Jen? Hey, what are you talking about? I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you,” Jared replies, starting to freak out. Jensen’s acting like a child—wait, a child! Oh, shit. This must be an episode or something. What does someone do in these situations? Is there a way to snap Jensen out of this? Searching the room, Jared sees nothing other than things that he could use to knock Jensen out cold, and that just can’t happen. What would Jensen think of him if he whacked him over the head? Yeah, crossing that suggestion off the list.

Jared needs to think of something fast. Jensen has taken to shielding himself from a barrage that isn’t even happening, face scrunched up, mouth set in a thin line, and teeth biting on his wrist to keep from crying out.

“You _wanted_ your mother out of the picture, didn’t you, Jenny?—No! I never wanted Mommy to leave, I swear,” Jensen exclaims, sliding himself further along the floor, until his back joins up with a cupboard door, body tensing at the contact. Jared frowns at that. He watches on in astonishment, lost for anything else to do. He’s got to do something here, but nothing is coming to mind. “Well she’s gone, and it’s all _your_ fault—I’m sorry, Daddy. Please? Please, not the face? The teachers and the other kids ask questions,” the older man goes on, voice switching from deep, angry and rough, to quiet, weak, and childlike. Jared understands now that this is a memory. Jensen’s body remembers it clearly. All of it, even the _pain._ “They should mind their own fucking business. Fine, turn around, take off your shirt—I’m sorry, Daddy, I—Take off your shirt, Jenny,” Jensen stands, eyes closed, as if he were sleeping. The older man turns his back to Jared, slipping his jacket off. Jared can see Jensen’s elbows twitching, and deduces that he’s undoing the buttons on his shirt, which is soon open, and it’s sliding off Jensen’s shoulders, revealing hard, muscled shoulders that Jared can’t help but—he stops himself there. This isn’t something for him to be admiring right now.

Jared feels the tears in his eyes before they start to fall. He’s appalled by the spectacle in front of him. Even though it must have been years ago now, the scars on Jensen’s back run deep, spreading out in all sorts of different directions, frequenting the centre, almost like a tattoo carved with a knife. The scars litter the entire expanse of Jensen’s back, ranging from big to small. From angry to shallow. From deep to subtle. Jared can’t tear his eyes away, hand going up to cover his mouth. Jensen is just standing there, like he’s waiting for something to happen. It feels like Jared can’t breathe, like he’s not going to be able to remember how until Jensen is okay again.  

“I have gym tomorrow—I’ll write you a fucking note. Just shut your whiney mouth,” Jensen snaps at nothing, bracing his hands against the counter, back muscles rippling as he arches from assumingly imaginary blows to his back, neck jarring, square jaw tensing visibly, and—Jensen’s crying.

“ _Oh my God,”_ Jared whispers softly, unable to do anything but stand there and sob his heart out for his friend.

“Now pull your pants down—Da—I said _pull your pants down,_ ” Jensen does what he’s telling himself to do, lowering his pants to the floor, bending over, exposing his ass to the air, which Jared regards for one second before noticing the target of the next onslaught. The backs of Jensen’s thighs are covered in the same scars on his back. This must have been Jensen’s Dad’s process. There isn’t any scarring on Jensen’s butt. Or, none that Jared can see. “Four for failing math—I didn’t fail—Make that seven,” Jared moves. He has to do something other than watch. As gently as he can, he bends, grasping the waistband of Jensen’s pants, pulling them back up and buttoning them. Jensen continues as if they’re still down. “Six for running your mouth off—I’m sorry—Three more for interrupting,” Jensen snaps, legs jerking from invisible torture. Jared has taken to running his hand through Jensen’s hair, thinking that might be some sort of soothing gesture. “Please, Daddy. That hurts—you don’t like having your hair pulled, maybe you shouldn’t let it grow so long—but you won’t let me—haircuts are expensive. Are you being ungrateful, Jenny?” Jared freezes. This is insane. There has to be something that he can do. For now, he takes his hand away from Jensen’s hair, keeping his eyes off of the multiple scars out of decency and respect.

“Come on, Jensen... Show me what I need to do. Show me the next step, okay?” Jared pleads, wiping Jensen’s eyes with the pads of his thumbs.

Jensen’s stopped talking to himself, just staring at nothing and crying. His arms are shaking, gripping the countertop like a lifeline. Jensen’s body is so tight, and it seems as though he’s not even in it any longer. Jared is out of his depth here. This isn’t something that he’s seen before—there’s nothing here that he can relate to.

Jared recalls Jensen mentioning a therapist to him. The likelihood is that someone with these sorts of issues would have their therapist on speed dial. Jared fishes around in Jensen’s pockets, slipping out his phone. He thanks whoever is out there that Jensen doesn’t have a password on his phone. Quickly, he loads upJensen’s speed-dial list, and presses the one that has Doctor in the name. It picks up after the second ring, and Jared doesn’t give the woman—by the sounds of things—a second to speak before he’s rambling off what’s going on, how long Jensen has been like this, and what he’s currently doing.

“You must be Jared. Okay, what I want you to do is manoeuvre Jensen into the fetal-position—at this point, he won’t fight you at all. In my experience, he has no idea what is happening right now, and he won’t remember any of this,” Jared is quick to comply with what she said, shifting him to the couch, lying him on his side. “If you have headphones or earphones, place them over his head, search the song _Requiem for a Dream,_ and walk away from him.” Ignoring the questions bubbling in his stomach, Jared locates his headphones as fast as he can, loading the song up on _YouTube,_ then situating the headphones comfortably on Jensen’s head. He’s about to stalk off, still on the phone to the therapist, when Jensen begins humming the tune. It’s off-key, and stutter-like, but it sounds... So innocent.  

Here on his couch lies a truly broken man. A man that risked this very thing happening to him because he wanted to admit something to Jared. He finds this out from Jensen’s therapist, who says that it’s most likely what caused this—after Jared filled her in on the previous parts leading up to the episode. Jared is not sure what he needs to do now, so he just watches Jensen hum, tears slowly coming to a stop, body no longer quivering in fear. Here on his couch lies the love of his life, hurt and not getting any better, and Jared is helpless.

Jared croaks. “Wh-What do I do now?”

“You wait, Jared. You wait for him to come to. He’s going to know that you saw all of it, but I believe that you are made of stronger stuff than his previous... relationships—“

“What then?” Jared mumbles, voice barely above a whisper.

“He’s going to try and say what it was that he wanted to say. The same will happen to him again. Jensen isn’t ready—that’s my fault. Please have him call me when he comes to. It was nice talking to you, Jared. I’m just sorry that it was under such awful circumstances.”

Jared nods. “Yeah. Thank you for your help.”

Hanging up, Jared takes a seat next to Jensen’s curled up form on the couch. He runs his hand through Jensen’s short hair a couple of times, and then stays perfectly still, making the decision that whatever Jensen needs to say to him can wait. It can wait until Jensen’s ready for it, because Jared doesn’t want to _ever_ see Jensen put himself through that again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I didn't get this out earlier--I had a practice run for my job interview tomorrow. :)


	11. Comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Jensen have a heart to heart. Jared makes a discovery, and things in their 'relationship' are starting to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always nice to write something sweet after writing something sad... 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~!~!!

He has no way of telling what time it is when Jensen comes to. The position of the arrows on the clock is the furthest thing from his mind when Jensen _finally_ starts to sit up, headphones falling from his head. Jensen’s lips are set in a hard line. His face tells the entire story—that he knows that he had an episode in front of his friend, and that he’s feeling pretty damn embarrassed right about now. Also, Jared detects fear lingering in the ridges of Jensen’s skin. Jared can’t have that. In this moment, Jensen has nothing to be afraid of—especially not Jared. If the older man thinks for _one second_ that Jared is done with him due to this, he has another thing coming.

The tension in the room is suffocating. Jared’s not even sure he’s gone this long without saying something when he’s the only person occupying his house. Sometimes it’s good to talk to himself to get a second opinion on his thoughts. He would have paced around like a mad man, preparing a speech for when Jensen re-awakened, but failed to do so after one look at Jensen’s innocent form. He couldn’t just leave him lying on the couch with nothing but the classical music blasting in his ears.

Maybe that could be a way to break the ice? Jared decides to try, figuring that it really can’t do much harm at this point. “So, _Requiem for a Dream?_ How long were you gonna wait to tell me you were a Classical music fapper?” Jared’s praying that his shot at humour has the desired effect, and not the one where Jensen immediately assumes that Jared is mocking him. He isn’t, by any and all standards. He’s just trying to break the tension that has built between them.

Jensen doesn’t respond to him. His arms fold, and he leans back, but nothing comes out of his mouth. Jared can tell that he’s waging a war with himself in his mind. Quite possibly, he’s berating himself for letting this happen in front of Jared. That makes him angry. He doesn’t want Jensen to think that it’s okay for him to hide this sort of pain from him. Jared would never force it out of him, but now that he knows about it, he is a part of this, and he isn’t going anywhere. Jensen is going to have to talk to him about it whether he likes it or not. After all, Jared just spent the better portion of the afternoon--crossing over into evening—watching the older man. He’s been subjected to the perils of Jensen’s episodes. Now that he has had a taste of what it looks like, what he is to expect, Jared is ready to spend the rest of his life making sure that it never happens on his watch _ever_ again.

For the next ten minutes, Jared lets his friend sit there and stew. Right at the very end of that glimmer of time, Jared has reached his limit. He is not going to be able to just shrug this off. Several hours ago, he saw his friend breaking down, and experienced— _almost—_ more than felt his heart making its way out of his throat. Regardless of what Jensen says, Jared will _not_ abandon him. That doesn’t mean things will go back to a semblance of the way that they were if Jensen doesn’t at least give him something.

“I would kill that man if he were here,” Jared says calmly, his eyes betraying his position. It’s not a lie. Not by a long shot. If Jensen’s Dad walked into this room, Jared would end him without a seconds thought, and he would do the unjustified jail time if he had to. Earlier, he experienced unquenchable loathing for a man that he has never met in his entire life. That doesn’t change the feelings of anger, animosity and primal obsession to tear him apart for the way that he treated Jensen. Jensen’s childish voice still echoes in Jared’s ears, the younger one begging not to be hurt by his Daddy. Holding back the oncoming tears, Jared enforces the expression of determination on his face. Jared hopes to get somewhere with this conversation, and he can’t do that if he’s sobbing like a three year old.

Jensen’s face is grim as he turns to look at Jared, eyes puffy—evidence of his crying. “If he were here, I wouldn’t be.”

As gently as a he can, Jared places his hand on Jensen’s knee, squeezing lightly. When Jensen doesn’t shove away from him like he did earlier during the episode, Jared begins, “I know you’re thinking that I don’t want anything to do with you now? That you’re a freak, and who wants to deal with that?” As Jensen’s eyes widen, worry and self-disgust overshadowing the stony disposition, Jared surges on, hoping to disprove all of that. “Don’t _ever_ think that. Honestly? I’m freaked the fuck out. More so than I have ever been in my whole life, but I will _never_ leave you. And I will _never_ think any less of you because of the things that you suffer through,” Jared continues, begging Jensen to look at him. When the older man does, eyes a little less distraught, Jared finishes off his confession, “From what I saw, to what I have seen of you throughout are relationship, _you,_ Jensen Ross Ackles, are the bravest man that I have ever been lucky enough to have the pleasure of meeting. To go through what you did, and not be in a nut house, certifiably insane, is incredible,” Jared admits, hands now holding Jensen’s head between his palms, ignoring the spark of something shooting through him when Jensen subconsciously leans in to his touch. “And you don’t have to go through it alone anymore. I will be here for you—like I said on the day I met you—morning, noon and night. Just... Don’t be afraid to let me know you’re hurting, okay?” Jared ends his monologue, feeling like he may have ended up embarrassing himself with that whole speech.

“I—“

“No. Whatever it is that you were going to say yesterday, keep it to yourself until you can say it without having an episode. I am not going to intentionally watch you suffer. I’m touched that you’re willing to be that... Brave for me, but I can’t watch you hurt yourself again,” Jared warns, pulling Jensen against his chest. The older man just goes with it. No words cross between them for a long time. Jared smoothes his hand up and down Jensen’s back, and Jensen appears to be staring out at nothing throughout the exchange. While it’s clear that Jensen doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, he’s not objecting to the cuddle.

“Isn’t this how couples cuddle? My position being the girl?” Jensen grumbles into Jared’s shirt.

Jared snorts. “Is someone feeling emasculated?” he teases, pleased that they’re starting to breeze back into their normal back and forth, with the added cuddling on the couch. Jared’s not ashamed to admit that he’s really liking the new addition.

“No,” Jensen bites back, and suddenly he’s shifting as Jared rolls underneath him, amazingly while keeping Jensen level. Jared gets his arms out from underneath himself, and splays them over the arm of the couch. “Why did you do that?” Jensen’s tone is curious, not mocking, so Jared rewards him by slowly pushing his butt up.

“To make you feel less emasculated. Now we’re like wild Cats mating, happy?” Jared jests, actually kind of liking the pressure of Jensen’s crotch pressed against the seam of his jeans.

Jared feels Jensen wriggling on top of him, and then there’s warm breath at his ear, and Jensen is suddenly more aligned with his body. “I’m not _unhappy_ ,” the older man teases back, a grin in his voice as he lays his head on Jared’s shoulder. Could Jensen be wondering the same thing that he is? Why this feels so completely right—just them so close together, nothing but clothes between their bodies, which Jared wouldn’t mind losing?

It’s when curious fingers begin dipping under the waistband of his pants that Jared clocks on to what Jensen had been trying to tell him earlier. He wants Jared. In that way, and something more. Jensen wants to _be_ with him... Jared’s heart rate staggers, and he feels like he’s about to implode. As sad as it sounds, Jared wouldn’t mind if Jensen just wanted a roll in the hay with the younger man. Regardless of sexuality, Jared knows how to work it, so it wouldn’t be impossible to seduce Jensen into bed... Not that he would ever take advantage of Jensen like that. Jared isn’t that type of person, but then Jensen makes him do—and feel—a lot of things that he wasn’t sure he possessed. Nevertheless, Jensen _wants_ Jared. Mind, _body,_ andsoul. Jared is _more_ than willing to give that to him... But Jensen isn’t ready for that. Not yet... It could be so good, though. Just Jensen’s finger tips sliding his jeans down a tad to give him enough room to play with has Jared hard as nails.

Then Jensen’s voice comes into play. “I wasn’t joking when I said you have a nice ass, _Jay,”_ Jensen husks, and Jared realizes then that this is Jensen trying to gain some pride back after his slip up. He might be able to talk the talk, but Jared doubts he can walk the walk with little to no experience in this area.

As Jensen starts to burrow his fingers under Jared’s shirt, the younger man pulls his jeans back up. “You’re not ready for that.”

It feels like Jensen freezes on top of him. “I’m not?” he almost sounds like a child again. To his credit, though, he resumes his place, laying his head on Jared’s shoulder, and curling an arm around him, offering Jared his eyes.

Ignoring how perfect Jensen feels like this, Jared finds his voice. “We haven’t gotten to know each other that way, Jen—“

“I jerked off to the stuff I said I would do to you in our game of Chicken,” Jensen admits, surprised at himself for saying so, face burning.

Jared arches an eyebrow. “So we had phone sex?”

“One-sided. Yeah,” Jensen replies, ashamed.

Jared grins brilliantly. “Not so much.”

Jensen regards him sceptically. “What do you mean?”

“It means that I got off another way... I, uh—“ Jared cuts himself off at the glazed look in Jensen’s eyes, like he just saw the hottest thing in the world. Jared flushes under the scrutiny. He feels naked under Jensen’s gaze, and the older man looks _so_ hungry. Jared can also feel something swelling against the left cheek of his ass. He would say something silly like _hello, Sailor,_ if he wasn’t currently trying to beg the lord for the gift of an eidetic memory, so that he can burn the image of Jensen’s face right now into his mind for all eternity. It makes him want to move them to the bed, strip down, and let Jensen do _whatever_ he wants to him. 

Apparently, Jensen catches up with Jared’s previous statements. “You’ve done this before?” Jared misses the weight as soon as it leaves him, Jensen now standing above him. Feeling small, Jared stands as well, wondering why this seems to be a problem.

“I’m... Uh, gay. Jensen, I’m gay,” Jared says, momentarily feeling a million times lighter than he was before. It shatters when Jensen looks at him in a not-so-happy way. There’s something else in his eyes, though. It’s not disgust, or loathing... Or anything like that. It’s—what the hell is that?

“What’s with that look on your face?” Jared questions, head tilting to the side.

Jensen looks like he’s practically seething. “That guy in that picture—did you?”

“Did I have sex with him?” Jared prompts, eyes narrowing, hiding the guilt buried along with it.

“Yeah—“

“I did. Once. We’re friends now. He realized that I was sort of _using_ him, and agreed that we should be friends,” Jared retells honestly, trying to figure out why Jensen looks ready to kill Stephen.

“Was he good?” Jensen mutters quietly, defensive.

Jared laughs loud and long. “Oh, shit... Are you jealous? Jealous of a guy that you’ve never met? Jealous that he got to tap this before you did?” Jensen’s face is answer enough. “Look, dude... Even if you’re terrible—which I will never tell you—when it happens, it’ll be better than anything I’ve ever had because it’s you,” Jared explains, hoping that that’s enough to lower Jensen’s hackles for now.

Jensen’s body tenses up. “Did you, uh... Y’know... Him?”

Cryptic as it is, Jared manages to fill in the missing pieces. “Self-confessed bottom here, Jensen.”

“Oh,” Jensen mumbles, visibly relaxing at that. Jared understands that Jensen would feel some sort of obligation to roll over for Jared to give it a try if that’s what the younger man wanted. Now, if it were the case that Jensen wanted to try it, Jared would play ball. Somehow, he doesn’t see someone with vulnerability issues ever wanting to try it the other way around. Besides, Jared loves bottoming. It’s something about his partner literally being connected to him, and them controlling the pleasure that he feels. So... Maybe he’s a little kinky at times—Jensen could be just as kinky as he is.

Jared lightens the mood with a joke. “Count yourself lucky I don’t want to do that to you—I’m nothing to sneeze at.”

Jensen smirks. “ _Neither_ am I,” he growls with intent.

“Mhm. We’ll see. And when we do, I’ll teach you how to use that bad boy. For now, we have our colab that you surprised me with the other night, to work on. Sexy times can come when you’re ready, Spartacus,” Jared taunts, showing Jensen to his practice room.

The moment they set foot inside, Jensen is in heaven. Jared watches as he touches all the guitars, rambling off about each name of the model, the year that it came out, and some of the great legends that have used them in the past. Jared can’t say that he isn’t impressed with his knowledge. They’re _his_ guitars, and not even he knew that much about them. Especially not that most of them don’t have their original strings. Jensen scolds him when he finds that one of the guitars aren’t tuned properly. Seconds later, he’s tuning it, lecturing Jared on what it should sound like, and what he had it sounding like. Jared had proceeded to call him a smart ass and threatened to ban him from this room forever. Jensen kept his opinions to himself after that, purposefully getting in Jared’s space for the rest of their perusal around the place. He pretended—for the most part—that Jensen didn’t keep reaching over his shoulder to grab a score book, chest lining up with Jared’s breath, and soft lips nudging the skin at the base of his neck.

Keeping Jensen a Jared virgin is going to be harder than he first thought. How can someone that has no experience in this field whatsoever know exactly just what to do? Exactly what buttons to press? The exact amount of contact to give before pulling away, leaving Jared wanting more? It’s not fair, dammit. His instincts are telling him to pin Jensen to the floor, slick up that cock he’s been bragging about, and sink down onto it. With every lingering touch, thinly-veiled suggestive comment, smirks that could make homophobic morons want to give it up, and subtle self-gropings on Jensen’s part, Jared’s finding it very, _very_  hard to keep _it_ in Jensen’s pants, literally.

Right now, Jared’s sitting on his chair, one leg over the other as he tests a few chords. Jensen has been browsing on his own for a while now, throwing a comment or two here and there about what they maybe should do. As Jared’s piecing together something that sounds nice, he feels Jensen’s crotch brushing the back of his head, Jensen’s hands holding onto the top of the chair. It’s on purpose. Fuck, Jensen is _good._

Jared decides to put a stop to this. “When was the last time you had sex, dude? Seriously?”

“That obvious?” Jensen mutters, seemingly just figuring out that his hands have taken to working the kinks out of Jared’s shoulders, tips of his fingers tenderizing the pulse-points on Jared’s neck. Yeah, it feels amazing, but Jared needs to end this before he takes this too far. Even if Jensen is willing right now, this isn’t the way to go about it.

Jared sighs. “What are you thinking about right now?”

“Uh...,” Jensen hesitates, obviously unsure.

“You can say whatever it is,” Jared assures him, moan crawling up his throat as Jensen’s fingers unconsciously work through a tight knot, releasing all of the pressure there in an instant.

“What you suggested about our apparent phone sex,” Jensen admits, sounding sheepish.

Jared nods, dipping his head further to give Jensen more room to work with. A massage is a massage. He’s not going to turn one down. “So, the thought of a man doing that to himself turns you on?” Jared asks, interested in the answer.

Out of nowhere, Jensen bites the lobe of Jared’s ear, easing it past his teeth, and then releasing it. “The thought of _you_ doing that to yourself turns me on,” he husks, and Jared is so _almost_ ready to throw caution to the wind.

Jared’s reply is breathy, “Just me? Not other—“

“I’ve never found a man attractive. Not until you. Sure, I’ve appreciated looks in other guys. I’ve never wanted to _do_ things to them,” Jensen whispers hotly in his ear. This isn’t the shy, not so quick on the uptake, introverted man that he has come to know. This is...

“Jensen. Listen to me,” Jared insists, turning the chair around, facing Jensen. “I get that your pride is wounded, and you’re looking for a way to restore some of it—and yes, you’re also horny—but that doesn’t mean that you have to jump right in to this, okay?” Jensen nods, looking guilty for playing these games. “I like the attention, Jensen. I really do. And it’s nice to know that you’re a natural at this—makes me excited for what’s in the future,” he admits, smiling up at the older man, who looks desperate to be touching Jared again. It makes him feel loved, and the fact that Jared is the only man that Jensen has ever found attractive has him tingling all over.

Jensen’s eyes are following his movements as Jared stands, determination in his eyes. Jared is both terrified and ecstatic for what he’s about to do. This needs to be perfect. Jared locks eyes with Jensen, getting into his space, but not crowding him. Jensen swallows as Jared’s head comes closer and closer, until Jared is centimetres apart from him. He’s been dreaming about this ever since he met Jensen, and nothing is going to stop him now that it’s here.

When their lips touch for the first time, Jared’s heart ricochets around in his chest like a bouncy ball thrown by a troublesome kid. He’s received and taken a lot of kisses in his life, but none have ever felt quite like this. In that moment of their lips locking, Jared doesn’t feel the space between them, as if he’s floating in the sky, nothing but air surrounding them, protected by the ever-growing heat crossing at their centres. Jared had been expecting Jensen to be a decent kisser in his fantasies—they pale in comparison to the real thing. After the realization clearly dawns on Jensen that he’s kissing Jared for the first time simmers to a dull ache, Jensen threads his hands through Jared’s hair, pulling him in deep, pressing him right against his body. He spins them around, falling into the chair with Jared in his lap, hands running up Jared’s back, ducking up his shirt, feeling the hot skin, all the while setting Jared’s desires alight, their lips still melded together as if they never want to leave the land that they’ve just discovered. Jensen simultaneous manages to thrust up against Jared, as he plunges his tongue into Jared’s mouth, gathering moans in the younger man’s throat that he longs to release.

At some point, Jared recalls that this isn’t what they should be doing right now. As good as it feels, they shouldn’t rush into this. He peels his lips away from Jensen to try and say something, but Jensen pulls him back him, unlocking pleasure that Jared can’t even begin to comprehend with the roll of his tongue against the roof of Jared’s mouth.

This time, Jared gets away, breath ragged and full of want and lust. “”Okay... We need to stop... Right now...”

Jensen’s eyes are lust-blown, looking even more gorgeous than they usually do, and Jared is once against tempted to just go along with it.

“Sorry, um,” Jensen breathes in, licking his lips. “You’re just... I could get used to this.”

Jared lands one last kiss on his lips, getting off his lap. “We’ll get there. Now, go jerk off in the shower or something,” Jared says, waving the older man off. It takes a little more persuasion before Jensen gets with the program. Jared asks why he’s torturing himself here. If Jensen wants to take that step with him, why won’t he just go along with it? Jared decides that if Jensen feels the same way after he’s relieved some of the built up pressure in his loins, maybe they’ll move on.

For all Jared knows, Jensen could still be feeling wounded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one will be a Jensen-centered chapter. :o To give you another perspective of what's starting to happen.


	12. Two-Sided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen sits in the shower thinking about the events of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short one to see Jensen's thoughts. :)

Five minutes ago, Jensen allowed himself to slide down the wall, head buried in his hands, and shame constantly dirtying his skin, regardless of the warm water increasing its efforts to clean him. When the haze of lust simmered down, realization hit Jensen like a ton of bricks. Before, he understood that Jared had watched him have an episode—what else could it have been? Jensen only experiences dark patches in his memory when an episode is the cause--, and the younger man had been nothing but supportive about it. Maybe it was that that encouraged Jensen’s bold actions? He doesn’t know. When he told himself that he was going to go through with it—tell Jared his feelings towards him, he hadn’t been expecting Jared to feel the same way about him, let alone practically throw himself at Jared. The fact that he hasn’t had sex since his ex left him several months ago doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Jared’s right. He has no idea what he’s doing. As much as it pained him to hear so, Jared has done this before—he got with that stupid picture guy that Jensen wants to beat the shit out of. Even though Jensen had been dreading admitting his feelings, if Jared happened to be on the same page as him, he wanted to be the first guy that Jared had ever been with.

And now, Jensen’s not sure that he can show his face out there. What if every second that they’re together, Jared is going to be anticipating a breakdown? Jensen doesn’t want it to be that way between them. He knows that he can keep himself under wraps most of the time—sometimes, it gets too much for him, and he finds himself sucked inside his own mind, unable to get out.

Jensen neglects to notice that he’s crying until his head starts to hurt from the force of his tears. It stung earlier, when he first came to. Currently, it feels like an elephant is sitting on him. It’s not pleasant, but it beats being exposed right now. Jensen doesn’t like crying. It’s not that it makes him feel weak—in ways, it does, but  that’s nothing to do with being a man, just how his Daddy would constantly yell at him for crying with each crack of his brown, worn and beaten leather belt. Every tear that falls brings him back to those days, standing outside in the rare Texas rain, concealing the tear tracks on his cheeks. To anyone else, it had looked like Jensen had just been enjoying the Spring weather.  

Jensen feels humiliated. Back then, he was acting completely out of character for himself. Yes, he vaguely remembers that all he could think about was how amazing that kiss they shared had been, and that nothing had ever compared to that intimate moment, however he knows that he hadn’t been ready for that. Right now, he’s freaking out about it. He hadn’t been lying to Jared when he told him he’s never found another man attractive—he’s never had any need to kiss a guy, or even experiment. For the sexual portion of his life so far, it has always been women.

To be honest, Jensen had never felt more relieved in his life at Jared’s confession of being a self-proclaimed bottom. Jensen hasn’t lived under a rock for his entire life. He knows about the different positions that men play in sex, when they both happen to be male. As uncomfortable as it makes him feel, he would have tried it if Jared wanted him to. It would only be fair, right? Luckily for him, Jared _likes_ to bottom. During their talk in Jared’s awesome practise room, Jared had said that he topped once when he had first been starting out, and it hadn’t felt anywhere near as good for him as bottoming did.

That’s not really the important thing here, though. Jensen reminds himself that in his lust-curdled mind, he was willing to move straight to the eighteenth hole. The thought of making love to Jared has him tingling all over, but he’s not ready to go there yet. He doesn’t want to hurt Jared. Jensen’s pretty sure that for it to be good for both of them, Jensen has be sure of his movements, otherwise he could end up making it unbearable for Jared. He deduces that he’s going to have to do some research, and experimenting on Jared until he can feel even the slightest bit comfortable with going there. Jared will help him through it. Jensen is sure of that.

Jensen hasn’t called his therapist back yet. She’s going to blame herself for him freaking out. In the moment that Jensen decided that he was going to reveal all to Jared, he told his therapist, and she suggested that Jared come along with Jensen to one of his sessions, so that if anything happened, she would be able to bring him back to earth as quickly as possible. Soon, Jensen had started to get cold feet, after having agreed to her proposal. It’s not her fault, but she’s going to blame herself for not talking him out of it. She knew that he wasn’t ready, and let him go along with it any way. That’s not her fault. He wanted to try and be brave, to try and push past this fear that no one will ever love him because of the person that he is, and it backfired. That’s all on him. Jensen wouldn’t feel good if his therapist apologized to him for his mistake.

Groaning, Jensen lifts his head, resting it against the back of the wall. This is ridiculous. He could perhaps hide out in his own house, but not Jared’s. The younger man is most likely waiting for him to come out, probably worried that he said the wrong thing—total Jared behaviour. Those are the reasons that Jensen likes to keep a safe distance from people like Jared. They take too much of an involvement in his life. Understandably, once they gather a sense of his back story, they start to see him in a different light, and they treat him like a piece of china—delicate and fickle. In some ways, that makes Jensen feel good, to know that there are people out there that actually care about his well-being. On the other hand, it can make him feel smothered.

There’s always a tipping point, though. All of Jensen’s relationships have ended the same way. An episode that is too much for them to handle becomes apparent, and they’re telling him that they just can’t deal with it anymore. That they can’t help him if he doesn’t help himself. Doesn’t matter that he’s attending four therapy sessions a week; that he does his best to stop himself from drinking; that he tears through his skin trying to stop himself from going there—nothing seems to matter to them. Once they reach that point where they can’t put up with him anymore, there is no going back.

After his last relationship, Jensen had actually sworn to himself that that was it. There had been no point looking for love, as the same would just happy again—history repeating itself for all to see. Then, at a rather shitty gig, Jared happened. Jensen remembers the odd rise of the hairs all over his body when Jared spoke the first words that he would speak to the older man. At the time, Jensen just blamed it on the wind. There had been nothing sexual—on his side, maybe—when he gave Jared the time of day. Jensen really hadn’t wanted to give Jared a chance. Honestly, his goal had been to cut his losses and get the hell out of dodge, away from Jared and everyone else. And then Jared showed a vulnerable side to himself that no one had ever offered Jensen before.

Not long after Jared gave Jensen his digits, Jensen had been ready to call the number. Which, at the time, had scared the hell out of him. He had just met the guy a day ago. For all Jensen knew, Jared could have been drunk as a skunk or something. All of those reasons that went against contacting the guy littered around Jensen’s mind for  a long time. And then, he had been tapping out a text message before he could help himself. After the text left his phone, Jensen wanted desperately to get it back, even thinking that if he grabbed at the air hard enough, it might just come back. It hadn’t, of course. And then Jared had called him, and Jensen hadn’t looked back since.

Jensen sniffed. What is he doing in here? It’s not fair for him to just assume that Jared isn’t going to stick it out. Jared has been nothing but kind to him since they met, and the conviction that had been in his voice when he said that he would _never_ judge almost made Jensen want to cry again—happy tears, this time. How could he have been so lucky? Jared deserves legions better than Jensen, and yet Jared _wants_ him. Sure, he may not have the slightest bit of sexual experience with a guy, but he could tell that Jared had been getting into the kiss, and the feeling of Jared’s clothed ass hoisting up against his crotch had made him harder than ever before.

Jensen huffs out a breath, thinking that it’s time that he got out of this shower before his skin resembles an orange-peel. He shuts down the water, grabbing a towel off the rack. As he’s drying himself, he flushes from the guilt of jerking off in Jared’s shower to the thought of the younger man pinned against the wall. Well, Jared had told him to go jerk off or something, so he guesses that he shouldn’t feel so ashamed. Besides, just because they’re not going _there_ yet, doesn’t mean that they can’t stroke their cocks to the thought of it.

When Jensen exits the bathroom, Jared is strumming a beat on the guitar, one foot resting on top of a coffee table. Jensen guesses that he should just leave the guy to it, until Jared is peering over his shoulder, wolf-whistling at what he sees. That reminds Jensen that he’s half-naked, and that means that if he turns, then—no, he doesn’t want to think about that.

Jared must understand what he’s talking about. “I’ve seen them, Jensen. You’re still the hottest dude to walk the earth, so don’t be ashamed to show off that money maker,” Jared jokes, eyes hungrily drinking in Jensen’s toned physique. Yeah, he works out when he’s not practising, or writing music, but he’s almost positive that Jared resembles a Greek God underneath all those layers of clothes.

Honestly, now he’s not at all sure what to think. If Jared has seen his mutilated back... He must have had _that_ episode. Jensen panics, running into the nearest room that he can find with a bed. He takes a seat on the end, breathing heavily. Of all the stupid episodes that he could have, it _had_ to be that one? That not only means that Jared saw his disgusting back, but also his horrid thighs. Even when that son of a bitch isn’t here, he’s still managing to make Jensen’s life a living hell all over again.

There’s a knock at the door. Startled, Jensen turns his head to the door, feeling sick crawl up his throat. Jared has seen way too much. God, what he must think of him—saying that he’s hot is just a way of making him feel less bad about the situation. Jared can’t actually—

“Dude. You can’t hide in my room. That’s not cool. Get your sexy ass to the door, and open it,” Jared snarks through the wood, and Jensen feels himself moving before he can help himself, throwing the door open.

“I’m disgusting,” he mumbles, head lowered.

Jared’s hand lifts his chin, eyes full of nothing but desire, admiration, and something else that Jensen can’t pinpoint right now. “I’m telling you, man. If you were ready—which I know you’re not right now--, I would be throwing you down on my bed, climbing on top of you, and working that body of yours like it’s never been worked before,” Jared states, hunger in his tone as he trails his hand down Jensen’s chest, stopping at the hard muscle. “The only thing I wanted to do when I saw those scars, was murder that asshole. Ten times over, with all different kinds of weapons,” he admits, and Jensen tries not to tense as Jared’s big hands press against the lacerations on his back, pulling him into a warm hug. “Even with them, you’re the sexiest beast in the world,” Jared mutters into Jensen’s hair, and the older man has never felt more complete, or like he belongs somewhere.

 

 


	13. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen decides that it's time for him to tell Jared his story. Jared is shitting himself, but he's not going anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jensen's tell-all story. :( Made me really sad to write this. DX 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~

Preparations for Jensen and Jared’s collaboration song are going well, as far as having a name for the song goes. Jared couldn’t believe how long it took them just to choose one. Sure, there had been a lot of  random make-outs—Jensen succeeded in beating his score with each kiss, making it harder and harder for Jared to not jump the man’s bones--, and Jared had jerked Jensen off a few times, but only because Jensen had wound him up so much with the way he heats up Jared’s whole body with that devilish tongue of his. If he was being honest with himself, Jared wanted to show Jensen that he was good at stuff, too. Somehow, Jared stopped himself from taking Jensen’s cock into his mouth. It had been bigger than he expected. Big and perfect. Jensen hadn’t been lying to him when he said that he was nothing to sneeze at. Jared’s not sure which of them is bigger, but he wouldn’t be surprised if they were even in that department, with Jensen outmatching him in thickness.

After the first time Jared stroked Jensen into an orgasm, the older man had asked if Jared wanted him to return the favour. Of course Jared _had,_ but he had told Jensen that he really didn’t have to feel obligated to do that. Jensen had promised that he just wanted to try it. Yet, Jared said no—that maybe when Jensen is a bit more comfortable with the idea of touching another guys dick. Then again, Jensen seems to love thrusting his crotch down against Jared’s, while his hands locate any new space that they have yet to make their claim on. Jared couldn’t comprehend it when he came in his pants like a fourteen year old. In that moment, Jensen had smirked at him—fucking smirked the hottest smirk in the fucking galaxy--, and told him that that had been really hot.

Someone please tell him how he is supposed to keep himself composed around a specimen like Jensen? He knows that he needs help with this. Jensen is like Viagra personified, having Jared standing to attention and ready to go with just a look in his direction. Things might settle down after he finally gets to have the older man buried inside of him—that’s not to happen yet, though. Jared just has to be patient. He can’t expect Jensen to be a natural at everything, regardless of how Jared practically vibrates with need from every touch.

Soon, Jared will show Jensen exactly just what to do—he’ll preview how to stretch Jared open, and he’ll show Jensen with toys how to really get Jared going. Okay, so maybe he mentioned this to Jensen, and maybe he nearly found himself bent over the table—but he put an end to it. Since then, Jared has noticed Jensen working on his self-control. He told Jared that he found a substitute for alcohol, so all he needs to do is find one for the thoughts about screwing Jared through the floor. Jared needs to make sure that it doesn’t get to a point where Jensen won’t do _anything_ to him, when the time comes for them to move on to _that_ step in their relationship. If that happens, he’s not sure how long he’ll be able to keep saying that he’s not a _rapist._ Well, he wouldn’t hurt Jensen—it just means that he won’t be able to help himself anymore, okay?

Right now, Jared is sat at his kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee, while Jensen tries out a few lyrics, sounding almost angelic. Once Jensen realized that Jared had a slight—okay, kind of lengthy—size kink, he’s taken to sitting in nothing but a shirt and tight boxers that show off everything. It’s driving Jared mad, however he’s doing his best to remain composed. That is until Jensen stands, and Jared can see Jensen’s penis shift down to accommodate the new space.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Jared snaps, groaning.

Jensen acts innocent. “What? You don’t like that line?”

Glaring daggers at the older man, Jared went back to sipping his coffee. Jared knows damn well that Jensen is very conscious of what he’s doing. He wishes that he hadn’t been that obvious when he first saw Jensen fully erect, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. That’s when Jared discovered that Jensen could be a bit of a God damn tease. To be fair, Jensen admitted that teasing had never really been his thing, until their games of Chicken started, and then he developed a liking for it. It’s okay. Jared tells himself that in time, when they get to the _main_ course, Jared will start showing Jensen that he can be a bit of a tease himself.

Jared sucks in a breath when Jensen’s arms circle around him, chin resting on the top of his head. He refuses to acknowledge the bulge pressing against his ass. This is a sweet moment, and that’s how he should treat it.

“I talked to my therapist the other day,” Jensen starts, and Jared recalls the last time that he talked to the woman. It feels odd that Jensen’s been staying with him for a week. The older man even bought himself some clothes, so that he wouldn’t have to go all the way back home to pick some up. Jared had appreciated the gesture so much that he made out with Jensen on the couch until Jared had been about to burst. He remembers the way Jensen glared at him after that. Clearly, Jensen had wanted them to keep going, but Jared hadn’t trusted himself to keep it low-key at that point. “She wants to meet you in person. Said that you should come to one of my sessions, and just listen—“

“Are you okay with that?” Jared jumps in, sending a silent apology towards the table. Interrupting is something that he really needs to work on. Credit where it’s due, Jared never thought that this would happen.

Jensen’s arms tighten around him. “She’s right. I never told my other relationships the whole story. If we’re really gonna do this, you’re gonna need to know everything about me,” he mutters, zero confidence in his tone. Jared can’t help but smile, though. This means that Jensen can see a real future for them. Yeah, it hurts a little that Jensen would think that he might not be able to handle it. The only thing that is going to be hard for the younger man is hearing about all of the bad moments in Jensen’s life.

“If you want me there, I will be there without a doubt, Jensen,” Jared says, taking one of Jensen’s hands in his own, kissing the knuckles. “But if you don’t feel like you can do this now, I unde—“

Jensen plants a kiss on top of Jared’s hair, pulling him tighter against his chest. “The thought of talking about this again makes me physically ill,” he admits, and Jared wonders if that’s a good place to start. “But I want you to know who I am, Jay... Why I am the way I am, I guess.”

Dr. Samantha Smith sounds thrilled when Jensen tells her what he wants to happen. Although it’s a small gesture, Jared can’t believe that Jensen is comfortable enough to have _this_ part of the conversation with his therapist on speaker phone. Before they can even make plans to make it over to her, she’s telling them to stay put, and that she will be with them as soon as she can. When Jensen reminds her that she doesn’t do home visits, she admits that she makes exceptions with special cases. Jared can see the way Jensen’s eyes lose their vibrant colour at that, and so he squeezes his shoulder.

Not long after the call, Jensen is pacing around Jared’s room, looking anything but ready for this, regardless of the determination on his face to go through with the whole thing. Jensen shouldn’t have to do this if he doesn’t want to. As it stands, Jensen’s not backing down. Truthfully, Jared is sure that the older man is nowhere near prepared to spill his guts out to Jared, but he’s going to push himself to do it. Jared wonders if he needs to do this with his therapist present just in case he freaks out.

Jared asks Jensen this.

“Yeah. If I do, then she knows what to do.”

Maybe after today, Jared will know what to do. He’ll have all the tricks to make sure that Jensen is never suffering again.

While they wait for Samantha to show up, neither of them know what to say to each other. Jensen seems to be focusing all of his energy into stopping himself from backing out of this. There’s no way that Jared could blame the man if he backed out. This is Jensen’s story to tell, and he can tell it to Jared whenever he’s ready. Jared doesn’t really want to run the risk of seeing Jensen in _that_ state again, but he also kind of _really_ wants to find out what happened all those years ago—what caused the entire thing, and what the inspiration for Jensen’s music is.

“Please don’t leave me,” Jensen says to Jared, momentarily pausing his pacing of the room. It tears Jared’s heart out to hear that, and to see the look of pure dread in Jensen’s eyes—so much fear that this might be the last time that he sees Jared’s house and the man that occupies it.

Jared throws his arms around the older man, breathing in his scent. “No matter what happens—what you say or do, that is _not_ going to happen. I give you my word,” Jared replies, meaning every syllable. Even if Jensen came at him with a knife in a re-enactment-episode, Jared still wouldn’t leave him. Put simply, it’ll be a cold day in Hell when he abandons Jensen.

“I really needed to hear that,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s neck, kissing the skin just below Jared’s ear.

They stay in each other’s embrace for the entirety of the time up until Samantha is knocking at Jared’s door. Jared rolls off the couch out of Jensen’s arms, the older man pouting at him for leaving their position. Jared flips him the bird, calling him a big baby, and then brushing down his shirt.

Striding to the door, Jared takes a perfunctory breath, and then opens the door to the therapist. He takes in her wispy blonde hair, cyan eyes, and kind smile, gesturing for her to enter his house. She does so, waving Jared off when he apologizes for the long  journey. Samantha tells him that it really wasn’t that long, and then she’s walking over to Jensen, who has taken to sitting with his legs spread, elbows pressing against his knees as he twiddles his thumbs.

“How are you feeling, Jensen?” Samantha questions, resting her bag by the couch, taking a place at the end, clearly keeping her distance, as not to crowd Jensen.

“Let’s just get this over with, yeah?” Jensen angles his head at the spot next to him, and Jared fills it, assuming that’s what Jensen must have meant, as Jensen’s hand moves to his thigh.

Samantha clears her throat, extending her hand to Jared first. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jared.”

“Likewise,” Jared mutters, resting his hand atop Jensen’s, gently rubbing the quaking skin.

Turning her attention to Jensen, Samantha waits for green eyes to meet her own. “Why don’t you start at the beginning? Remember to pause when you think it’s getting all too much, okay?” Jensen nods, releasing a controlled breath, one that has been practised a lot in his lifetime by the looks of things.

“My Mom left my Dad—Dad and me when I was seven years old. At the time, I really didn’t understand why, and I wanted to go with her. Every night, I would pray that she would come back to get me, and that was before anything bad actually started. That came a week later, when I came home from school with my report card, and got less than an A in one subject. Sure, I was seven years old, but if I wasn’t getting the best grades in the school, then I was a complete failure. Of course, at the time, I didn’t think that my Dadd—Dad would mind that much. What happened next, I now understand was his way of justifying his actions in some way. You’d think that things would start out light, right? That he might yell first, and call me a failure?” Jensen breathes in deep, glancing at Jared when the younger man squeezes his hand, trying to show Jensen that he’s here and he’s listening; that he’s not going anywhere. “I still remember the pain when he punched me in the face. The sound was horrifying. I was so shocked that I couldn’t move, and I didn’t know what to do when he shoved me to the floor, tore my shirt off and whipped me with his belt. I could barely hear him screaming at me, telling me that a B wasn’t good enough, and that’s probably why Mom left us, because I would never be a son that she could be proud of.”

“Before he left the house, he told me that if I ever told someone what he did, he would kill me. As soon as he was gone, I broke down, begging for my Mom to come home, to save me from him. She never came, though. I knew that I was alone with him. Now, I know why she left. Someone doesn’t just become an abuser like that. They have to have history with it. When I started exhibiting the same sort of actions my Mom did when I was even younger, I figured out that she left because of the way he treated her. Maybe my Mom thought at the time that he would never lay a hand on me? Fuck knows why she didn’t just go to the police... Every beating after that was centred on some sort of mistake that I made, and the focus would be it being the reason Mom left us. He would tell me that my own Mom didn’t love me, and that I should never expect anyone else to, that no one wants to love someone as unlovable as me, so there was no point in looking for it. The first time I told him about a girl that I had a crush on, he told me that I should be focusing on my studies, not girls, and that’s the first time he locked me in the boiler room.”

Jared doesn’t understand how Dr. Samantha Smith can just sit there with a neutral look on her face. The words pouring from Jensen’s mouth are making it difficult for Jared to stay where he’s seated. Not because he wants to get away from the older man, but due to the fact that he really wants to hunt this mother fucker down. How is Jensen still vaguely normal? He shouldn’t be. Jensen’s telling him about the boiler room experience, how the first time he was locked in there, it had been midday, and he hadn’t seen the light of day until the next morning when he had to get ready for school—not even phased by the words he’s producing anymore. Earlier, he looked like he couldn’t handle this, like he was going to throw up or something—now, there’s a distant look in his eyes, as he continues to detail everything, almost as if he’s not in the room with them. Nevertheless, Jared grips Jensen’s hand. Even if Jensen has found some way to cope with revealing the dark shades of his past, Jared wants him to know that Jared’s _still_ here.

“The time that my arm broke for the first time, Dad actually took me to the hospital, growling at me in the car to make something up or else. I was nine at this point, so I was used to making things up for the teachers or the other students. I told the Doctor that I got hit by a car. He asked me if I wanted to press charges, but I told him that it was my own fault for going too fast on my bike without thinking, and that I was just lucky that it was only my arm that broke. The Doctor bought it, and each time after that I changed the story, sometimes repeating them when it turned out to be a different Doctor. Back then, people couldn’t just make assumptions without my consent, so I knew that as long as I didn’t talk, Dad wouldn’t kill me.”

And then Jensen moves on to Chris.

“I knew of Chris before I got to middle school, but he didn’t start talking to me until then. It was after I got my hair cut, but that was only because of all the blood in it. Dad managed to convince one of his friends that I cracked it open on a rock—it wasn’t completely a lie, just that the truth was I was thrown against it. Chris tried to be my friend, but I kept turning him down. It wouldn’t have done me good to have friends, when Dad ruined anything good that happened in my life. But Chris was persistent, a bit like you,” Jensen states, eyeing Jared for a second, and Jared couldn’t be happier that that lost look in Jensen’s eyes is gone for now. “Chris followed me home one day, which he admitted to me a few years later, and he saw my Dad slam me up against the door. It hadn’t been more than a second, but it had been enough for Chris to put a pin in the whole thing. At school the next day, he told me that he was going to call the police, and that I could go and stay with him. I told Chris to back the fuck off, that that wasn’t going to make this go away, and that he should mind his own fucking business.”

“Somehow, I convinced Chris that I could handle it on my own. Although, every day after that, he would ask me if I wanted to go round his for dinner, which was really just his way of getting me away from my own house. I said yes the first couple of times because it felt amazing to have a choice, and the idea of a home-cooked meal had my stomach rumbling. Admittedly, I had been happy, and Chris’s family were awesome, telling me that I need to eat more before the school uses me as the hanging skeleton in biology class,” Jensen chuckles softly at that, and Jared eats it all up. Rare moments like those are hard to come by. “Eventually, I had to leave and go home. Chris had begged me to just stay, that I didn’t have to go back there ever again. But I did. And I really, _really_ wish that I hadn’t. Even if it had been the last time that I would see my Dad, it was the worst beating that I have ever experienced. After my Dad walked out the door, I somehow managed to crawl towards the phone. I called Chris, told him what happened, and not long after that Chris was by my side, helping me into the ambulance, yelling at me that I couldn’t die—“ Jared watches Jensen suck in another long breath, releasing it before continuing on. “The Doctor told me that due to my injuries at the time, I had an eleven percent chance of surviving. He had told me that I must be the luckiest boy to ever exist, and just how fucking hilarious is that?”

“I had been ready, y’know? To just let it all end. I hadn’t known at the time that I would never see my Dad again, but I was scared that he was only going to do this all over again, so why not just embrace death?” A feeling of nausea crushed Jared’s stomach, but he stopped himself from letting anything interrupt Jensen’s heart-breaking story. “I even prayed to God to end this already, to please let this be over. To just let me die, so that I could never feel that kind of pain again. As it turns out, I lived. Chris wouldn’t stop smiling at me, telling me that I scared the shit out of him. He put his foot down then, ordering me to pack a bag—that I was never going back there. Chris promised that I never had to tell his parents, that they would be fine with me staying regardless of the reason.”

Jensen sighs. “And I stayed with Chris until my manager found me doing karaoke with Chris.”

Jared doesn’t have any words. He’s not sure how Jensen is sitting on his couch with him. The man should be in a mental hospital, drugged up on pills, unable to form a simple sentence. Yet, he’s metaphorically standing on his own two feet, not letting anything keep him down. How can someone be so strong? Jared’s not sure that things would have turned out the same way for him if the roles were reversed. He’s aware that Jensen must have been seeing his therapist for a long time, otherwise he most likely never would have been able to pick up a guitar—wait a minute, when did Jensen have the time to realize his musical genius if this went on until middle-school? Oh, wait. He stayed with Chris. Jensen still had High school to figure out his talent, and work out his path in life.

As Jared’s about to ask the man about his journey into music, Jensen beats him to the punch. “Since you talked to Samantha when I had an episode, I assume that she told you that my coping mechanism was classical music? Well, _Requiem for a Dream_ works the best to calm me down, but any classical music can wake me up, as it were. As I liked it so much, I thought that that was my calling, and I learned to play the piano,”—Jared instantly wants Jensen to play for him. He’s not such a fan of it, but he imagines that Jensen can sway him on to pretty much anything—“When that wasn’t enough for me, I started singing along with it, just for fun at first, but then I started to write music, and Chris’s Dad showed me his guitar. He gave it to me. I played around with it for a while, and it wasn’t long after that that I was syncing up my lyrics to the chords,” Jensen retells, less anxious now that he’s talking about something that makes him happy. It’s much more enjoyable for Jared to listen to the man that he loves go on about a passion, and not a subject that causes him to tense up completely.

That seems to be the end of it, as Jensen looks on at Jared expectantly, like he’s waiting for the moment that Jared calls him a freak and orders him to leave his house. Jared cups the back of Jensen’s neck and kisses him—hard and meaningful--, releasing the older man’s lips reluctantly, giving Jensen no more room to talk, as he holds his eyes with intent.

“Not going anywhere, Jen. You’re just gonna have to deal with that,” Jared states, butting their foreheads together.

Jensen gives him a look of pure relief, throwing his arms around the younger man, practically holding on to him for dear life.

This is where Jared belongs. With Jensen. Despite everything that has happened, and it’s going to take some time for Jared to come to terms with the fact that he can’t just go and slaughter that son of a bitch, Jared has Jensen with him, and now Jensen knows that Jared is on his side. He’s not going anywhere.

Not now. Not ever.

 


	14. Lazy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casual morning in bed after last night. And, Jensen shows Jared that he's ready to start moving on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the Kudos. :D 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~!~

It’s the next day. Jared is purposefully disregarding the sun blaring in through the crack in the curtains. He doesn’t want to have to deal with life yet. Everything is perfect in this moment, and nothing is going to ruin that. This is the first time since they got together that Jared has trusted himself enough to let Jensen sleep in his bed with him. He really wishes that he would have done it earlier. Having Jensen here with him is the best thing in the world, if someone were to ask Jared. The older man is spooning him. Jared’s not been spooned in bed for a long time, and he’s not embarrassed to admit that he’s really missed it. Sure, he’s a lot taller than Jensen, but he likes being the little spoon. Besides, Jensen pretty much cuddled up against his back as soon as they fell onto the bed. Had the situation been different—Jensen not being mentally exhausted, and Jared having not heard about Jensen’s dark past--, Jared probably would have jumped him. That’s what Jared means about trusting himself. It would be odd for him to want to get sexual with Jensen after watching him suffer through horrid memories. If Jared’s being honest with himself, he just hadn’t been turned on after that... Not even with Jensen’s body pressing into his back, giving him an overwhelming feeling of belonging.

Jared’s not so sure that he wants to ever move from this spot. He can’t help it if he likes the pressure of Jensen’s arms around him, subconsciously tensing whenever Jared shifts the slightest amount. Clearly, Jensen doesn’t want his human teddy bear going anywhere. Not that Jared would. If he could stay in Jensen’s arms forever, he would—yes, that sounds horrendously cheesy and cliché—Jared doesn’t care. This is the place he has longed to be from the start of meeting Jensen, and his stupid phone sure isn’t going to ruin that.

Now, if Jensen would just give him the tiniest bit of leeway to reach the damn thing, Jared could silence it.

“Turn that thing off before I break it,” Jensen grumbles into his hair, pulling Jared closer against his chest. Jared’s heart flutters with how adorable that is—partially ruined by the very apparent weight pressing against his ass.

Gathering self control, Jared struggles to move his arm any further than Jensen’s hold allows him to. As much as he wants to stay here, the sound of his phone is going to clear the fog of sleep any minute. Jared has to cut the power in time before that happens. He figures that Jensen needs a lot of sleep after that whole ordeal last night.

“Jensen... Hey, dude. How can I turn it off when I can’t move?” Jared mutters under his breath, rolling his eyes when Jensen makes no such action to create space between them. Instead, he kisses Jared’s cheek, saying that whoever it is will eventually realize that Jared’s not going to answer it. While he has a point, Jared can’t help thinking that this has something to do with Jim, and that guy won’t stop calling at this point in the morning. Jared has been put through this more times than he can count. To keep the peace, he rolls over in Jensen’s arms, earning a muffled groan from the man into the pillow. “Release me for just a few seconds, Officer, and I’ll make it worth your while,” Jared teases, cataloguing the exact moment that Jensen gets with the program, replying with something dorky, saying that Jared can take the call, but then it’s straight back to his cell. When Jared leans in for a kiss, he gets a hand in his face, Jensen muttering that he doesn’t like morning breath. “Saying I have—“ Jensen immediately cut him off by saying that he wasn’t referring to Jared.

Temporarily free, Jared shuffles to the end of the bed, answering the phone with a very curt, “What?” This is the way that he always talks to his manager. With them being family in some ways, Jim knows that Jared’s not so much of a morning person. Really, it all depends on the amount, or the way that he sleeps. Spooning with Jensen after a long night of heartfelt confessions means that he’s not going to be receptive to any callers, regardless of what they mean to him.

“Lose the attitude, kid. How’s that collab coming along with your boy-toy?”

Jared frowns. “He’s not my boy-toy—“

“Whatever he is. Collab?”

“We have a title,” Jared admits sheepishly, throwing a hand up at the face Jensen is making at him.

“Lay it on me.”

Jared’s not sure what Jim’s going to think about their choice of title. Coming up with one had been hard enough, but if Jim’s not so sure about it, or happens to hate it, then it’s going to be back to the drawing board. Also, Jeffery Dean Morgan has to agree on it as well. So, even if Jim does happen to like it, that’s only one stage. At the time, so many ideas were being thrown around in the midst of heavy make-outs, which Jensen pointed out made him feel like he was back in High School behind the bleachers, that neither of them could be one hundred percent sure that a decent amount of thought went into their final decision.

_Shake Twice For Texas._

_Love Triangle._

_You And Me, We’re The Same._

_She Was The Greatest Thing._

Just names that they fired off at random times. None of them actually linked up with their initial idea, which is a story of friendship, loosely based on their own relationship—only, they have to pretend like they met each other when they were much younger, and grew up together. Jensen had made a joke that it’ll be a challenge to keep this straight-laced, and not drop any hints that as soon as they’re in the privacy of a home, they’re on each other.  

Well, Jared’s not really got anything to lose. Jensen starts recoding tomorrow, and Jeffery Dean Morgan is meeting Jensen at one of San Antonio’s local recording studios. They have at least two weeks before Jensen’s album debuts, so they’re not sweating it so much. Well, Jared’s not sweating it so much. Jensen has lost his temper a couple of times stressing about the entire thing.

“It’s, uh... It’s called: We Made It,” Jared finally answers, biting his bottom lip. Jensen is sitting up now, trying to telepathically communicate with the younger man, when all he’s doing is making weird eyebrow arches.

They both wait with baited breaths for Jim to say something. Jared likes the name. He didn’t think of it, but he nodded his head in agreement, so that’s something. Jensen thought of it at one point when he had been looking through Jared’s album covers, commenting on how young Jared appeared in the first one. Then he literally resembled a man with a light bulb above his head, and the title fell out of his mouth, with the explanation that they did it on their own, so why not tell that story. Honestly, if Jim doesn’t get on board with this then they’re going to have squat. This is the only title that inspired lyrics out of them, and Jensen is very close to finishing the chorus.

“Mhm... I like it. Run with it,” Jim shoots through the phone, ending the call seconds later.

Placing the device back on the nightstand, Jared rolls back over into Jensen’s arms, the tip of his head the only indication that they’re not screwed. Now that that’s all been dealt with, Jensen excuses himself from the bed, calling from outside the bedroom door that he’s serious about the morning breath situation. Jared shouts that he really doesn’t care, which falls on deaf ears. Who has that much of an aversion to their own breath? Sighing, Jared throws his legs over the side, standing with a long stretch, taking in the popping of his back and shoulders. He doesn’t care that people find it repulsive, it makes him feel like his body can breathe again.

Jared pads out into the living room, straightening his sweat-pants. During the night, Jared admitted to Jensen that he doesn’t usually wear anything to bed. The older man had told him that he’s okay with that— _really_ okay with that--, but Jared made the decision to keep himself covered up, because Jensen chose to free-ball it. Even though Jared slept particularly well last night, actually getting there had been rather difficult, with Jensen’s crown jewels rubbing against him. Eventually, Jared convinced himself that trying anything would be inappropriate after such a hard night, and sleep claimed him not long after.

Only, that meant that his dreams would be filled with being... Well... Filled.

Lasting this long has been a miracle if there ever was one. Jensen is pretty irresistible, after all. Over the past week, though, Jensen has been paying attention to how Jared plays with his own body, calculating green eyes drinking in every moment, committing it to memory from the looks of things. At one point, Jared caught the man watching gay porn, taking notes from the men topping. While it had been cute, it’s not the proper way to learn, so Jared informed him that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with that. After some question and answering, Jensen understood, mentioning he read online that finding the partners prostate and stimulating the area, practising different patterns of movements, while paying close attention to the partner’s reactions will increase the chances of prostate-stimulated orgasms. That told Jared that Jensen’s definitely thinking about moving past hand-jobs, which Jared still hasn’t allowed the other man to do yet.

Popping bread in the toaster, Jared sets it off before starting up a round of coffee. He assumes that Jensen has opted to have a shower, from the pitter-patter noise resonating from the other room. Jared wonders what it would be like to shower with Jensen. Things would get heated too fast, and Jared still isn’t convinced that Jensen is ready for that step, no matter how many times Jensen nudges his erection against him.

As the toaster dings, Jared reaches into his fridge, collecting the appropriate spreads. Jensen’s fond of jam, so he’ll make the guy a jam sandwich. For himself, he’s going to have peanut butter. He’ll brush his teeth after breakfast, which is really what Jensen should have done, but far be it for Jared to offer his advice on the matter.

Jared feels a body behind him before the drying water reaches his skin, hand pausing its flicking of the butter-knife. Jensen kisses the back of his neck. He does that a lot—Jared often feels surprised by how affectionate Jensen is with him. Then again, Jensen did explain that people who often grow up without it get as much of it as they can when the opportunity presents itself. Jared can’t help feeling sad when Jensen says things like that.

“Jam?” Jensen purrs into Jared’s ear.

Shuddering pleasantly, Jared composes himself. “Yeah. You want coffee?” At the husky whisper of _I definitely want something,_ Jared begins to ponder Jensen’s past relationships. How sexual were they? How many times a day was it? Jensen just seems like he wants it _all_ the time. To be fair, Jared has quite the insatiable appetite himself. At least he’s keeping himself in check. Asking himself repeatedly why he’s doing so is really not helping him here.

What’s stopping him from moving forward here? Maybe not _there,_ but there are other things that he can do for the older man. Other things that may calm him down for the time being. What’s the harm? He’s horny, dammit! It’s time that he made one of his fantasies come true.

Jared twists in Jensen’s arms, switching their positions, pushing the older man up against the counter. He watches Jensen’s momentarily panicked eyes fade into curiosity, hands braced either side of the counter top. Jared places a finger on Jensen’s lips then unhooks the towel wrapped around Jensen’s waist, watching it fall to the floor, forgotten.

Sinking down to his knees, Jared comes face to face with Jensen’s _very_ interested appendage, tongue darting out to lick the head. Jensen is simply watching him, so Jared starts opening his mouth up to him, drawing Jensen’s cock in as far as he can manage on the first time around.

Jensen’s hands grab at his hair, hips going stiff. Jared notes that Jensen’s trying not to fuck his throat. Another time, Jared will tell him how grateful he is for that—Jared’s not sure that he could breathe after that. Not right now, at least. With time, he’ll be able to show Jensen just how _experienced_ he is at this.

While he sucks Jensen down as far as he can go, Jared’s hands travel up the man’s body, gently massaging the skin, feeling Jensen in his throat. Jensen feels so good in his mouth. He’s been waiting to taste Jensen for who knows how long now. It’s fair to say that Jensen has not disappointed—and the faces that Jensen is making are driving Jared insane, the way his face muscles have tightened, forehead creased, and lips wet with spit from a devious tongue licking over them.

When he can, Jared takes more into his mouth, rocking back and forth, curling an arm around Jensen’s waist, using it for leverage as he slides along Jensen’s impressive length. Keeping up a deep inhale of breath, Jared relaxes himself, adding his tongue to the mix to really get Jensen going. The older man’s hips stutter at that, and he sends a silent apology down at Jared with his eyes.

“Fuck, that feels so good, Jay,” Jensen states, breathing becoming ragged from the fast pace of Jared’s full lips slipping along his penis. Jared can tell that he’s enjoying this. And just that fact is making him unbearably hard.

Pausing for a second, Jared unearths his own cock, lazily stroking over the skin, not at all in sync with his swallows around Jensen. As Jared gets closer and closer to the root, Jensen’s grip on Jared’s hair tightens. The younger man takes pride in the fact that Jensen is closing in on his orgasm, and that’s all because of him.

“Jared—fuck, I’m not—“

Jared ignores the warning, increasing his efforts, barely managing to grin as Jensen’s fills Jared’s mouth with his release.

Offering Jensen a smug look as he swallows, Jared gasps as he’s shoved onto his back, Jensen resting between his legs, staring with determination at Jared’s cock.

“You don’—“

“I’m sick of not being able to return the favour. If this makes you feel good, I’m gonna do it,” Jensen snaps, testing the weight in his hands, just now realizing that this is the only other cock aside from his own that he has ever held. Jared can see that in his eyes, and he goes to remind him that he doesn’t have to do anything that he’s not comfortable with.

He’s silenced by Jensen’s mouth engulfing the head of his cock, an experimental tongue swirling around the top, testing the waters. Jensen doesn’t go any further than that, focusing all of his attention on the underside of Jared’s cock, slowly jerking the root, adding suction to the ministrations of his tongue. Jared wants to laugh at the sour look Jensen makes at the taste—head hitting the floor when Jensen’s teeth lightly graze the skin, sending a pulse through his body.

At this rate, Jared is going to come embarrassingly fast. Then again, the fact that his cock is the one and only that Jensen will suck is kind of leading this whole thing.

Jared bites his lip as Jensen jerks his head to the side, slipping a little more of Jared inside his mouth, twisting his hands at the base, mutually sucking and stroking Jared at the same time.

As hot as it would be to finish in Jensen’s mouth, Jared’s not about to—Oh, shit.

“Dude, gross,” Jensen complains, face scrunching up. “You actually like that?”

Laughing at the ropes of come on Jensen’s cheeks, Jared leans in and licks it off. “Not everyone likes it.”

“I can’t see why anyone would,” Jensen mutters, clearly not impressed. “You could have warned me like I warned you.”

“Where’s the fun in that? Anyway, while you reflect on your first blowjob, I’m gonna grab a shower, and finish up our breakfast,” Jared replies, kissing Jensen on the lips before he sets off.

He stands at the door for a second, watching the man stark naked, scrubbing the residue off his face. Jared smiles—even if Jensen hadn’t been so much a fan of it, he had been willing to do it just to make Jared feel good.

How could anyone ever want to hurt Jensen?

 

 


	15. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephen has some bad news, Jared and Jensen go to an open mic night.

Jensen’s at the recording studio, working on his album, so Jared’s been left to experiment with a few lyrics for their collaboration. Needless to say, that he’s not gotten much further than the first line, which is disheartening. He assumes that it has to do with their different styles, and finding a balance in which they can incorporate both without messing up the whole thing. Jared is determined to have something ready for when Jensen returns. Although, he’s not certain that his determination will deliver in this case. The song is important to the both of them, and they will stop at nothing to get it finished. Jim doesn’t have a lot of faith in them. He told Jared that if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass, this collaboration is never going to happen. In some ways, Jim has a point. Jared has been slacking. Only due to the distraction that has been living with him for the past week and a few days. Taking Jensen out of the picture isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference, though, so really Jim should just mind his own.

Jared has plans for tonight. When Jensen gets back, Jared is going to spring them on him. He just hopes that it goes well, and doesn’t fall in the other direction. It just so happens that an open-mic night is taking place down at Jared’s local, and he’s booked tickets for the both of them. Sort of a date, but Jared’s not going to give it a title—just keep that one to himself. The likelihood is that Jensen will freak out and say no. In the event that that does happen, Jared will spring the puppy-dog eyes and deep dimples on the older man, or just suck his brains out until they’re nothing but mush.

Yeah, Jared might have a few ways. Jensen was definitely receptive to the morning head that he got, regardless of the casual way he looked at Jared afterwards. He could tell that Jensen was just trying to keep his cool in front of him.

Anyway, it’s crucial that Jared help Jensen get over his fear. Jared likes open-mics. And Jensen needs to like them as well, so that they can attend one whenever the mood strikes.

For now, though, he needs to focus on song lyrics.

Plucking his guitar, Jared groans. Why can’t he think of anything? He hasn’t been able to write anything new since he met Jensen. Luckily, he had most of his songs ready before his release date, which will be some point this year. If he hadn’t been so caught up in Jensen, he might have been stressing about it a lot more. To him, though, the collaboration is the most important thing in the world—it’s something that he gets to do with Jensen; a combination of their talents and it’s something that they will probably perform live together one day. It has to be God damn perfect, and Jared is going to make sure that it is.

How are they ever going to have something ready in time when Jared can’t focus for a single second? Shouldn’t this be easier ? Does the fact that they can’t think of anything together speak volumes about their compatibility? No, that’s silly. If anything, this is the only area that they’re having problems finding a proper connection in. Both of them are head strong when it comes to their music, and they know how they want something to sound. It’s blending them together that’s the hard part. Jared’s style focuses on a story, while Jensen’s relates to people’s personal journeys through like—something that they may have experienced that they’re having trouble accepting. Jensen has this way about him that really pushes people to _feel_ his music. There has to be a way for his story telling and Jensen’s relatable music to come together as one, right?

Jared snorts. That sounds really corny.

He needs to at least have a verse finished before Jensen gets home. Jared won’t be able to live with himself if he can’t get that done. Why is this harder than anything that he’s ever had to do in his entire life? It doesn’t seem right that something he’s _this_ excited about gives him the least inspiration. Maybe it has to do with his _other_ project—the song about Jensen. He’s nowhere near finishing that, and he’s had much longer to prepare. Having Jensen around the house all this time has also made it harder for him to practise or get anywhere with it. Now that he has this small bout of time, he can’t use it to work on his song for Jensen. All of his efforts need to go into getting something started. Something that they can work with. Something that is more than a _title._

Just as Jared’s head is about to explode, it hits him. Before anything can get in his way, he puts pen to paper, writing down the first verse, adding notes on the sides for guitar chords, and any other instruments that might need to be used during the recording. He can’t believe that he finally has something that he can be happy with. Combining both their styles, Jared concocts a story of a friendship forming at a young age, and then breaking down due to one having to move away. It makes him kind of upset to think about that being a real thing in the world. Long-distance friendships can last just as long as the alternatives, unfortunately.

As he’s jotting down the last initial note, there’s a knock on his door.  Without missing a beat, Jared picks himself off the couch, happy that he finally has something to go on, and answers the door. He expects to see Jensen standing there, but it’s Stephen. Not sure what else to do, Jared gestures for the guy to come in, wondering if Stephen’s mad that Jared totally ignored all of his texts since Jensen showed up.

Jared’s not sure what to say. Stephen doesn’t look too good. He’s pale, and it looks like he hasn’t eaten well for the past few days. There’s a lack of colour on his skin, and he seems altogether defeated or something. Offering Stephen a seat on the couch, Jared wanders into the kitchen to get the guy a glass of whatever, feeling slightly uncomfortable with this. That might have something to do with how Jensen expressed that he’s not fond of Stephen, even after Jared assured him that there was nothing going on in that picture. If he’s being honest with himself, though, Jared likes it when Jensen gets all jealous and alpha male. Makes him feel like he’s wanted.

Back to Stephen and his wayward eyes. Jared notices that the guy is almost shaking. Something must have happened. He goes to speak, thinking that he should just say that he’s here if Stephen needs him, but stops himself. Whatever it is that Stephen wants to get off his chest will come out eventually—no good will come out of pushing the subject. Jared needs to let him get there in his own time.

Seconds turn into minutes, and Jared quickly finds that his patience is starting to wear thin. It’s never really been a thing that he’s good at. Least of all when one of his friend’s are clearly upset about something,--taking forever to fill him in on what that might be. It wouldn’t be nice of him to snap at the guy, so he keeps himself composed, wondering when Jensen is going to be back because he can’t take much more of this.

“Sorry, Jared...  I just didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Other than you, I don’t know anyone around here,” Stephen starts, briefly glancing at Jared. Stuck for much else to do, Jared gestures that it’s okay and he can confide in him if he wants to. “I just got some bad news back home... A good friend of mine... He, uh....” Jared knows what he’s trying to say. He doesn’t wait for him to. What good would that do? If he can’t say it, then he doesn’t have to. Jared has already read the room and knows what’s going on. Without really thinking about it, Jared kneels in front of Stephen and pulls him into a hug. It’s the sort of response that he would look for in a situation like this, so he’ll offer the same treatment.

The knocking quickly separates them. Jared knows that they didn’t do anything wrong, but Jensen is new to this whole thing, and it wouldn’t do what they have going on between them any good if Jensen sees Jared being intimate with another man.

Jared sends his friend a silent apology as he leaves his side to answer the door. Thankfully, it is Jensen this time, and Jared is somewhat surprised as Jensen walks them into Jared’s house, immediately pressing his back into the wall, hips sealed, and hot lips closing over his own, provoking him into a heated exchange of tongue before Jensen releases him, fulfilment in his eyes.

“Been waiting to do that for hours,” Jensen admits, lathing over one of Jared’s pulse points.

Caught up in the moment, Jared forgot that he has company over... Company that’s not doing so great at the moment... Company that Jensen’s not going to be happy to see once he takes in the rest of the room. Yes, it’s his house and he can have whoever the hell he wants over whenever he chooses. But the idea of upsetting Jensen beats that other side of him into submission.

“How about we go to your room, Jay?” Jensen whispers huskily over Jared’s lips, rolling his hips suggestively. Another time, Jared would be all for that, but he has a friend that’s in distress. As much as he would love for Jensen to tear his clothes off right now, it’s time to show a little decorum.

“Stephen is here,” Jared mutters, staring over Jensen’s shoulder. The older man’s face falls. He moves away from Jared, turning on his heel to inspect, spotting Stephen on the couch looking like he just found out he has three months to live or something tragic. Jared thanks whoever is out there that Jensen has compassion, and knows that Jensen won’t make a big deal out of this now that he can see it for what it is.

Jared introduces the two of them, and Jensen _reluctantly_ shakes the guys hand. Now that they’ve met, Jared mentions what happened, and Jensen apologizes because that’s the polite thing to do. Somehow, they manage to get Stephen to open up about his friend, and they find out that at one point they were a lot more than just that. Jensen asks him why they broke it off. For a while, it seems like Stephen isn’t going to respond, but he eventually admits that his friend’s family are rather religious, and they forced them to breakup. Later on in the conversation, Jensen finds a way to get them talking about something unrelated, which appears as though it’s exactly what Stephen was searching for—a distraction from his thoughts.

A few hours later, Stephen is feeling a little more like himself. He expresses his gratitude to Jared and Jensen before leaving to go back to his place to pack. Jared is glad that the parents allowed the guy to come to the funeral, as Stephen had been a big part of his life even prior to them getting together, and he deserved the chance to say goodbye properly.

Once he’s out the door, Jensen turns to him. “You slept with _that_ guy?” Jensen growls playfully, throwing Jared onto his back, laying down on top of him to keep the younger man in place.

Jared smirks. “He’s just my type.”

“I can see why. Tall, handsome. Makes me wonder why we’re in this position,” Jensen shoots back. Jared can tell that he’s trying to play it off as a joke, but he’s actually serious about it. It hurts his soul to think that Jensen assumes that he’s not good enough for Jared.

“You don’t think you’re those things? Dude, have you seen yourself? I mean, come on,” Jared gripes, curling his arms around Jensen’s back, loving the weight of the older man against him. This feels like home. Home is wherever Jensen is.

Jensen’s eyes shift to the left like he’s thinking about something, and then he’s kissing Jared long and deep, effectively transmitting what he can’t say out loud. It doesn’t last as long as Jared would have liked, but he has been waiting for a beat of time to tell Jensen about the plans for tonight. He starts slowly, getting the other man’s attention. He keeps track of Jensen’s eyes slowly widening as he informs him of the night activities, and he wants to laugh when Jensen huffs at him, playfully tugging Jared’s hair.

“Y’know I’m not gonna like this,” Jensen complains openly, glaring at Jared.

The younger man grins broadly. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Jensen just rolls his eyes.

 

There’s a really drunk dude on the microphone when they get there, and Jared gets the urge to check the time, noting that it’s far too early for someone to be that drunk. Jensen seems to be thinking on the same line, mumbling Jared’s thought into his ear. They nod in agreement, finding their seats after a few minutes of aimless wondering. Jared mentions that he knows people here, and it’s not the type of place where fangirls come, so they should be safe for the night. Getting here hadn’t been a problem, but they always have to be prepared just in case. Good thing Jensen is practically a ghost to the media still, and has his remarkable ability of keeping a good distance between himself and the press.

They’re served at their table, ordering two beers. Jensen complains again, promising Jared that he’s not going to like this, and if he gets chased off the stage, Jared is forbidden to suggest something _ever_ again. Jared can’t really tell if Jensen is joking or not, so he just laughs it off like it’s nothing.

The only funny thing about the drunk guy is that he can’t get the words out, and he’s encouraged when someone so much as offers him a chuckle, provoking him to get louder and louder, to the point where Jared’s not sure how much longer he can remain in his seat. Jensen’s clearly not fairing much better, either, taking to glaring holes into Jared’s neck. Well, he has to admit that he’s starting to regret organizing this.

Eventually, someone drags the guy off the stage, telling him that he won’t be served beyond this point, but he’s welcome to stay and watch.

Jared takes this window of opportunity to run to the stage, taking the microphone. He gestures for Jensen to join him on the stage, but the guy isn’t having any of it, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance. Flashing his dimples and turning up the puppy dog eyes as high as they can go, Jared makes the same gesture, holding back a laugh as Jensen throws his arms up in the air, stepping out of his seat.

When Jensen is on stage with him, he introduces them to the crowd.

“My friend is shy, and he’s scared that you’re all going to attack him, so let’s be nice, yeah?” Jared teases, and it gets a few laughs.

“I wouldn’t be thinking that if I wasn’t here right now. I’d rather be down there with them,” Jensen retorts, narrowing his eyes.

“But then you wouldn’t have the pleasure of my company, right?”

“What pleasure?” Jensen quips, obviously baffled when people laugh at that.

“That’s not nice, man. You’re hurting my feelings here.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t aware sasquatches were capable of human emotion.”

“There’s no such thing, idiot.”

Jensen grins at him. “Apparently there is. He’s standing right next to me.”

“I fancy myself more Stig of the Dump if I’m honest.”

“That you looking for sympathy?”

Smirking, Jared looks out to the crowd. “I get all the sympathy I need just being in the same room as you.”

“Oh, really nice, Jared. That’s the thanks I get for paying for your drinks? Real charming.”

They go back and forth for over twenty minutes. People seem to really like it, and they even get a round of applause at the end. Jared points out that it feels weird to get praise for something other than his profession, and Jensen agrees with him, confessing that he was scared for no reason. Jared’s pleased to hear that, joking that they could definitely go on tour with that, call themselves J squared or something. Jensen argues that that wouldn’t give them any time for their music, so he’s gonna have to pass on that. Feigning hurt, Jared mutters that he understands, ordering another beer for himself.

Currently, they’re not really talking, just watching random people try to make the room laugh, and not getting anywhere with it. Jared likes this. Likes being out in public with Jensen, and wonders if this sort of thing could ever actually be official—if he could come out to his fans, admit that he’s in love with Jensen, and not be worried that they might be being followed when they go outside—maybe even hold Jensen’s hand.

Jared sighs, glancing over at Jensen, his heart swelling in his chest. He feels something then. Something that tells him that this is the right thing to do. So, he leans over, cups his hand and whispers that _it’s time._

In all the time that Jared has known the older man, he has never seen him move _that_ fast.

Tonight is the night.

Jared swallows. He hopes nothing goes wrong.


	16. Firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First time nerves turn into something spectacular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very special.... Wanna know why? This is the first long-fic that I have gotten to the love-making scene on! :D Yay!!! Child Left Behind doesn't count because the first one is like non-con.. so... Anyway... 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~

Jared has never been this nervous about sex before. He tries to convince himself that he has the edge here—that he’s far from pure when it comes to this area. Strangely, he feels as if this is his first time. Not just his first time with Jensen. He’s anxious; anticipant; self-conscious—all the emotions that he felt on his real first time, only one-hundred percent intensified, as this is Jensen. This is the love of his life that he’s about to achieve a connection with that will change the paradigm of their relationship. Jared wonders what will happen if this turns out to be terrible for the both of them. What if Jared fails to be as good as he’s gloated about in the bedroom? What if Jensen decides at the end of this that maybe this isn’t his thing, and they should just stick to the other stuff? Jared _likes_ sex, but he _loves_ Jensen. If Jensen isn’t such a fan by the end of this, that won’t be the end of the world.

Jensen’s lips are on his skin, marking Jared with his DNA. Jared gathers the immediate feeling that Jensen is going to be a very passionate lover, with the way their hands are locked either side of them, Jensen’s hips gently grinding down against him, hot lips pressing on the stretch of his neck, leaving no area untouched. Jensen throws looks at him every now and then, almost asking with no need for sound at all if Jared is okay with this. Jared is more than okay with what Jensen is doing, arching into the touches, wiggling his hips in a silent gesture for more friction.

Reading Jared loud and clear, Jensen shuffles back, unbuttoning Jared’s pants. He shucks Jared’s legs onto his shoulders as he slowly and sensually peels the fabric from Jared’s skin, letting the younger man feel every inch of fibre ghosting over the hairs on his legs, anticipation building for what’s to come. Jared steadies his lanky appendages above Jensen’s head for the last step of his pants journey to the floor, underwear smoothly following their departure.

Jensen is drinking in the sight of him, hunger barrelling through those focused portals of freshly mowed grass. Jared frowns when Jensen steps off the couch, leering at him as deaf thumbs grip the mahogany shirt, releasing the buttons one by one, hips swaying to a distant song lacking any sort of melody. Jared stares on with interest, ridding himself of his shirt as quickly as possible, as to not miss a fraction of Jensen’s one-man show. Jared can’t believe that Jensen is seducing him, shirt gliding off his arms, loosely creasing on the ground. Jensen’s shoes are next to go, slipping off with a practised ease, and then his hands are at his belt, unclasping the hook, stripping the leather off tantalisingly slow, all the while keeping his eyes on Jared, teeth worrying his bottom lip. It provokes a thought from Jared of how Jensen could be _this_ good at something he’s not even familiar with... Did Jensen do this in all of his relationships? If Jensen did, Jared can picture a lot of happy customers. Still, it would be nice if Jared is the first that Jensen is doing this for—and the last.

“Eyes on me, Jay. You’re the only one I see,” Jensen states, stepping out of his pants and boxers. He remains where he is for a few seconds, hands running over his front, smoothing the skin over in a way that makes Jared’s mouth water. “I might be a novice at this particular thing, but I’m not just gonna sit there and watch,” he rumbles, kneeling on the couch, giving Jared a decent few of the arch of his back, the dimples colouring the bottom half, high-lighting the perky angle of his rear.  Jared’s seen Jensen’s bare ass before, but that had been in a difficult situation. Now, he can actually admire it.

“Sorry, but with an ass like that, Jen, don’t hold me in contempt if I grab on during the ride,” Jared murmurs, widening his legs to give Jensen room. It’s kind of awkward being on the couch when the bed really isn’t that far away. As soon as they got through the door, Jared found himself manhandled onto the couch, with Jensen exploring his mouth, and he suddenly didn’t have the energy to move them to the bedroom.

Jensen arches a ‘brow at him, settling between Jared’s spread legs. “As long as you don’t slap it or grip too hard, go nuts,” he replies, falling back into his seduction. Jensen bends to join their lips, the heat of their cocks pressing skin to skin awakening a moan in both their throats. This is how this needs to be. Nothing between them. Just their body’s. Just their breaths mingling in the space between their lips. Just the two of them thrusting against each other, hands reaching whatever they can during the expo.

Jared’s body quakes when the head of Jensen’s cock sweeps over his hole, pre-come slicking the way, nudging the sensitive skin of his rim, reminding Jared once more that this is all he has ever wanted. Jared knows that Jensen isn’t going to push in yet. The older man is teasing him, lowering all of Jared’s defences, wanting him to feel every piece of him leading up until the penultimate pressure that will bind them.

As Jared releases a moan riddled with eagerness, Jensen circles his hips, lust building in his eyes. Jared can see it all, having the best view in the house of Jensen’s face—watching how those eyes fill with something carnal, while leaking desperation at the same time, lightly tinged with patience—patience to keep himself from proceeding without the go ahead. It makes Jared love him even more.

Jensen eyes Jared’s leaking cock, nodding his head at it in question. Jared’s head rattles with the force it shakes, pleading with Jensen to just skip that part. He’s ready, and he wants Jensen, and he knows that the older man would never intentionally hurt him. There’s slight panic in Jensen’s eyes, followed by a bout of apprehension. Jared has seen him researching this stuff, and Jensen attended Jared’s guide on how to be a good top. They are ready for this—it’s going to be amazing, Jared can just tell that nothing but good can come of this.

Sliding a hand over his stubble, Jensen agrees, reaching under the couch. Jared frowns when Jensen pops back up with a bottle of lubricant in his hand, a shy grin on his face. Jared’s eyebrows ask the question, and Jensen mumbles that he made sure that he was prepared for wherever and whenever this happened for the first time. Not to mention, storing bottles around the house saves a lot of time. Jared can do nothing but agree with that practicality, laughing as the bottle slips from Jensen’s hand.

Jared reaches for him, laying him over the top of his body, smoothing a hand through his hair. “Don’t worry so much. Before that, I was enjoying your whole confident act,” Jared assures him, kissing Jensen’s head. He smiles as Jensen meets his eyes, worry evident. “Remember what I told you. It’ll be amazing no matter what because it’s with you,” Jared reminds him, stroking Jensen’s cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“You’re right,” Jensen concedes, repositioning himself. Jared shivers at the first cool touch of the sticky substance to his entrance, Jensen carefully rotating his index finger, working the area. Jared quickly starts to feel himself relaxing into Jensen’s ministrations, holding his knees back to give Jensen more room to work with. Slowly but surely, Jared finds his hole loosening, keen for the insertion of Jensen’s finger, which gradually slips in. Sure, it’s a little awkward, but Jensen’s look of pure fascination is definitely worth the atmosphere.

Jared can see that Jensen is pouring all of his concentration into this, crooking his finger experimentally, seeking out the walnut shaped spot buried within Jared that will magnify the pleasure. Jared feels it when Jensen reaches his goal, back arching, a full-body shake surging through him, capturing Jensen’s attention.

Seemingly taking Jared’s response to that as highly acceptable, Jensen bears down on the same area, cataloguing the weight and the texture to give him the edge for next time. Jared arches, throwing his head back against the couch cushions, moaning his explicit consent to Jensen’s partial torture, motioning for more of the same thing, tearing into his bottom lip as Jensen circles the soft skin of his walls, eliciting a spasm of Jared’s channel, clenching around Jensen’s eager digits.

Already, Jared can feel his orgasm building. He wants to reach the end _with_ Jensen, not finish before this is all over. Calming his breaths, Jared snaps at Jensen to get on with the stretching. Jensen adheres to his demand, sliding a second finger inside, laying one over the other and bearing down again, knocking the air out of Jared’s lungs. Jared senses the stretching of his anal cavity, growing more open, ready and willing for something more.

Jensen inserts a third finger, spreading them out gently inside Jared, smoothly twisting around, paving the way, teasing the space to prepare it for Jensen’s length. Jared snaps at him again, reminding him that it’s going to hurt anyway, just get on with it already.

“Are you always this bossy during sex?” Jensen quips, pressing in another glob of lubricant, spreading a fair amount over the sensitive skin of his penis.

“Honey, I’m the definition of a bossy bottom. Now, please for the love of Country music, will you stick your cock in me already?” Jared whines, momentarily questioning his actions. He’s never been this needy when it comes to sex. Not long ago, he had been bricking the whole event, now he just really wants Jensen to be inside him—his body is thriving with need to be joined with the man that he loves and for some reason he’s having trouble expressing that any other way than needy.

Jensen takes a deep breath along with Jared as he lines up the head of his cock, steadying himself. Jared can see the hesitation in Jensen’s eyes. He entertains the idea of just telling him that Stephen didn’t take this long to get all up in this, but decides against it. This is a fragile moment for Jensen.

They both moan as Jensen breaches him, sliding in all the way to the hilt, the fine hairs on Jensen’s balls lining up with the skin of Jared’s rear making him feel all tingly. This is how things should be. He never wants this to end. Jensen’s not pulling out yet, face contorting slightly as Jared wills himself to get past the initial pain brought on by the intrusion, swallowing shallow lumps of air to relax himself again, admiring Jensen’s patience, and relishing the pressure of Jensen’s cock filling him out.

All of this just feels right.

Jared motions for Jensen to continue, the older man bottoming out before slowly sliding back in, body dipping to capture Jared’s lips, adventurous tongue seeking Jared’s own, body’s pressed tightly together as Jensen gently rocks back and forth, glimpsing over Jared’s prostate, provoking a moan into their heated kiss. Jared knows that there’s no place that he would rather be in the world right now than here with Jensen on his couch, experiencing Jensen’s first time with a man with him, offering silent instructions with twitches of his hips, letting Jensen know what feels good, and what isn’t all that comfortable.

Jensen turns out to be a sufficiently fast learner, gyrating his hips in four full circles, then pushing down, causing Jared to bear his neck, which Jensen greedily bites into, sucking the perspiring skin into his mouth, bringing the blood to the surface, making Jared feel more owned than he ever has in his entire life. He doesn’t mind one bit. He likes this primal side of Jensen. He likes the way that Jensen is tugging on his hair, giving him even more room to work with on Jared’s neck, growls of possession spilling from his lips. Jared can feel himself heating up like a furnace, wayward hands wondering to Jensen’s mounds of flesh, holding on to them as Jensen thrusts in, pushing Jared up the couch.

Jared thinks about the first time they met all those months ago, how he almost completely blew his chance to have this. To have Jensen thrusting into him, bringing them closer together than ever possible before this. Jared remembers the first time Jensen touched him—that one single pat to his knee that left him feeling unfulfilled. The first time Jensen held him in his arms, holding on for longer than either of them expected, and Jared soiled the whole thing by shivering in a way that made Jensen feel like he went too far, even though he most certainly hadn’t. The first time they kissed... How magical that had been for them. Jared finally got to experience what that cherry stem did, and he had not been disappointed.

All of those firsts have led up to this moment. Jared’s not sure how Jensen sees this. For Jared, this is Jensen making love to him. He’ll kick himself later for how corny that sounds, but he can’t word it any other way. Jensen inside of him feels far greater than any other man that Jared has been with. His nerve-endings are alit with pleasure, building higher and higher with each press from Jensen into his body, adding fuel to the fire in his belly. Jared no longer has to hold his knees up, as Jensen has hooked them around his elbows, rolling his hips loosely, burrowing further into Jared, stretching him out in the best way possible.

No words pass between them, aside from Jensen’s name falling from his lips. Jensen is focusing on all of Jared’s pleasure—the younger man can see it so clearly. Jensen isn’t even bothered about his own needs. He just wants to pleasure Jared, and he’s not disappointing at all, bending Jared in half, sliding into him with as much pressure as Jared can handle, hands linking with Jared’s at the centre of his chest. Jared feels like his heart is going to fall out of his body any second now. Jensen is looking at him like he’s the only person in the world, regardless of this room or the vacancies on the outside—Jensen is staring at him, and nothing else.

Jared keens as Jensen kisses each of his knuckles, keeping up the rolling of his hips as he does so, sucking on the soft skin, imprinting unspoken promises on Jared’s flesh. Jared doesn’t need Jensen to say anything. All he needs him to do is stay like this with him forever.

There’s not much time left. He’s close, and there’s no way that he’s going to last as long as he would like to, which is for eternity. He warns Jensen that he’s almost there, and that Jensen can pull out if he wants.

There’s a glimmer of something feral in Jensen’s eyes as he leans down, lips a hairsbreadth away from Jared’s own. “I want you to feel _all_ of me, Jay,” Jensen husks, laying a small, sweet chaste kiss on Jared’s lips before increasing his thrusts, tightening the coil in Jared’s groin, eliciting pleasant twitches all around the nerves of Jared’s cock.

“Jensen, I—“Jared grinds his teeth, moaning gleefully, balls starting to rise, rim fluttering around Jensen’s cock. Jensen curses, licking his lips as he pushes as far as he can go inside the younger man, bringing their lips together in a desperate kiss that leaves Jared breathless.

As Jensen is reinitiating his pace, Jared says it. Aloud. For the first time. Another first with the man that he loves. So he does—“I love you,” Jared states sheepishly, sealing his lips over Jensen’s to soften his cry as he releases over his stomach, clenching harder than ever before, eyes rolling back as he feels Jensen climaxing inside of him, smothering each other’s moans as they get lost in the feeling of being joined in as many ways as possible. Hands holding on for dear life; lips melded together; connected at the base—nothing in between them but skin.

When they pull away, Jared is suddenly aware that Jensen is starting to panic. He quickly guides him down to his chest, shushing him as he strokes down Jensen’s back, ignoring the relief that they’re still connected in this moment. He is not going to ruin this by provoking Jensen into an episode. Not a chance in hell.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. I love you. That’s all that matters,” Jared whispers into his hair, holding back tears.

Jared hears rustling on the floor, and then Jensen’s suddenly no longer in his hold, and grasping his phone, tapping on the screen. Jared’s about to make a joke about Jensen clearly not being one for pillow talk, when Jensen turns the phone around, showing it to him.

_I love you, too._

A lump forms in Jared’s throat, and the tears—that despite his best efforts to keep in check—slide down his cheeks, wetting his skin. It may not have been said in words spoken by Jensen, but just this is enough for Jared.

Jensen is still nestled inside him, and Jared is starting to feel like he could just stay in this position forever. It feels nice to have Jensen joined to him at the hip, almost as if they are one person, and nothing can come between them. Smiling, Jared noses Jensen’s temple, the older man snorting as he catches his breath. Jared inquires on his derision, and Jensen tells him that he wasn’t aware that they were Eskimos.

Immediately, Jared is nosing all over Jensen’s face, even getting in his ear. “Don’t you like my Eskimo kisses?”

Jensen fidgets. “Dude, that’s so weird,” he cringes, biting Jared’s chin. “I’m not old enough that I can’t go again, and I will make you _feel_ it the next time,” Jensen challenges, rolling his hips to make his point. Jared’s eyes accept his proposal and he lets out a surprised yelp as Jensen lifts them off the couch, walking Jared to the bedroom and kicking the door shut. Jared can’t believe that he just got lifted—he hasn’t been lifted since he was a freaking kid.

Unceremoniously, Jensen plops him down on Jared’s bed, rolling them over so Jared’s on top of him, a gleam in his eyes. “Show me how you ride ‘em, cowboy.”

Jared smirks, flashing his teeth. “Oh, you are in for the ride of your life, Ackles.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually do full-blown sex scenes, but I wanted to focus on the emotional element to this. Hope I did okay. ;D 
> 
> CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT I'VE DONE THIS MUCH IN 15 DAYS?!?! DX 
> 
> Kisses 
> 
> -Kieran


	17. Sing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Jensen finish their song. Jared reflects on how amazing Jensen is as a boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fluffy. O_O
> 
> Also, I wrote that song... So, it's not been stolen. o.o 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~

As fluffy as it sounds, if you told Jared at the start of the year that he would find the love of his life, and that they would be the most handsome man in all of the world, he would have told you to put down the pipe and start thinking about how it might be effecting your life in a bad way.  

Jared can’t for the life of him think of a time when he had been happier than he is right now. They’ve just had shower sex for the first time, and it had been _incredible._ Now, Jensen is attentively washing his body, slowly gliding through all the spaces, letting Jared feel every touch. He’s effectively worshipping the younger man’s body, giving it his undivided attention. Jared can see that Jensen can go another round if Jared initiates something, but for now he’s just content to feel this. Feel Jensen’s hands parading over his skin, cleansing him of all his worries and doubts.

Before they had sex for the first time, Jared hadn’t expected that Jensen would be as insatiable as he is. The older man assures him that it’s just because it had been a while before he _got_ any, and then he added on that sex with Jared is like nothing he has ever experienced before—that he can’t get enough of exploring Jared’s body, finding anything that makes him writhe. Yeah, that confession did its job of getting Jared on all fours in the living room, Jensen pulling him back by his hair as he rode Jared’s ass, leaving possessive bites over his shoulders.

Jared assumes that Jensen has made it his mission to mark everywhere that he can on Jared’s body to clear it of Stephen, even though Jared promised that the guy never bit him at all. Jensen had growled, saying that the fact that he had his hands on Jared is enough. When Jared questioned Jensen on his behaviour, the older man admitted that he’s never been this way with someone before, and he’s still getting used to the itch to rip Stephen’s head off. If Jared’s being honest here, he finds it ridiculously hot, and has plans to rile Jensen up with it in the future, if need be.

Out of the shower and ready for the day ahead, Jensen suggests that they get back to the chorus. After a lot of pitches, they finally agreed on something that they like, and now all they have to do is finish the chorus. With three days left to go until Jensen’s debut, it’s imperative that they get this finished by the end of the day, so that they have enough time to record the track, as well as get some rehearsals in.

With Jensen being so _on_ Jared all the time, he’s found a way to focus Jensen’s attention elsewhere for as long as is required, by promising Jensen that if they get _this_ amount of work done, he can go to town on him for as long as he wants. It’s a very good method. Being a man himself, Jared knows that the way to keep Jensen motivated is through his dick. Jared offers an award, and Jensen throws himself into the task a moment later, pitching ideas all over the place, coming up with guitar beats and the like—Jared wonders if he should stop manipulating the older man... Then again, Jensen can be just as much of a tease when it comes to their sex life, so it’s acceptable... Right?

“How about: _Wherever you go, will you let me know? Wherever you stay, don’t be too far away—“_

“It’s not really in tune with the rest of it, y’know?”

Jensen nods, scratching his stubble. Jared always assumes that Jensen does that on purpose because Jared really likes it—likes the way that it prickles against his skin as Jensen licks up his abdomen— _innocent thoughts, dude._

“Then, maybe: _Wherever you go, just let me know. Wherever you stay, I’m a call away. Morning, noon and night, it will be all right, and you’re my shining light.”_

Jared nods. “ _And you’re my shining light.”_

“Does that sound too couple-y?” Jensen mutters, jotting the lyrics down as a just in case.

“I mean, I’ll repeat that after you,” Jared replies, secretly thinking that it does sound couple-y, and that those words sort of sound like the ones that Jared said to the older man when he fell to his knees for him for the first time— _innocently._

“All right then. So, practise run?”

They both set up their guitars, strumming a light rhythm on the strings.

 

_Remember that park off the side of the road,_

_Where we first met as the cold wind blowed?_

_You were alone on that creaky old swing, rocking back and forth,_

_I said “Hi,” and started pushing you, and you flew high like a stork_

_From that point on, I knew that you were the only friend for me,_

_The way you made me feel alive, and showed me how to believe,_

_That one day I would meet someone that made me smile like you,_

_And they would understand their place as number two_

_Wherever you go, just let me know,_

_Wherever you stay, I’m a call away,_

_Morning, noon and night, it’ll be all right,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_Remember that time you said these words to me,_

_That “not everything in life is free?”_

_You taught me how to pay my dues_

_And how to make my dreams come true_

_You were young, and you were dumb,_

_Thinking that your finger was a thumb,_

_All I did was teach you to take on board,_

_The knowledge that you’d need to strum that chord,_

_Wherever you go, just let me know,_

_Wherever you stay, I’m a call away,_

_Morning, noon and night, it’ll be all right,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_We’re all grown up, and life is tough now,_

_Settling down in our partner’s home town,_

_Losing that time that we used to have then,_

_To run around the farm and chase a hen,_

_But that’s all okay, when we have the time,_

_Let’s hit up the bars, or drink some beers round mine,_

_Until then my friend, here’s something for you,_

_And you can buy the beers when we meet at Lou’s,_

_Wherever you go, just let me know,_

_Wherever you stay, I’m a call away,_

_Morning, noon and night, it’ll be all right,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_Morning, noon and night, it’ll be all right,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_And you’re my shining light,_

_Yeah, you’re my shining light._

 

At the end of the song, they look at each other, love in their eyes. This is something that they have created together, and Jared is sure that everyone is going to love it as much as he does. Jensen really is one hell of a musical genius. It’s the way that he makes people think about what it is that he’s singing about—the subtext behind them, every little detail lingering between each line. Jared wants to know what Jensen means by that. The way that Jensen had been staring at him suggested that there were a few double meanings in there that Jared may have missed, which infuriates him. Jensen’s cryptically sending him some kind of message, and he doesn’t have the brains to figure it out—

“The song,” Jensen cuts into his thoughts, lips stretching, but not quite the way that Jared has been dreaming of. “It’s for you. Here’s... Uh, something for you.”

Jared gapes. “Wait, so now I have to write two songs for you?”

“We wrote this togeth—wait, what?”

Facing his guitar down on the couch, Jared runs a hand through his hair, telling Jensen to just let it go for now. It makes him feel guilty. He still hasn’t even written a title for the song that he wants to construct for Jensen, and there goes the older man being all sweet and _perfect_ again, planting hidden messages in _their_ song. How is Jared supposed to compete with that? Jared is the one that should be killing it at this whole boyfriend thing, but Jensen is repeatedly one-upping him.

A few days ago, Jensen showed Jared a scrapbook that he made while he was touring in Dallas. They hadn’t even known each other that long. Jensen made him a _freaking_ scrapbook. And it’s amazing. There’s screenshots of them on Facetime, printed out and stuck in, with the date and the topic of the conversation. Some of them are just Jensen and Jared making funny faces at each other, entitled: _Being Dorks._ There are printed out text posts between them, capturing the moments that they learned of certain things about each other. There are poems that remind Jensen of Jared. There are song lyrics Jensen composed, inspired by the dimples on Jared’s cheeks—captioned: _Just for me._ It had Jensen opening up, saying that he really should have seen his feelings for Jared coming sooner than they shot him in the back of the head. The scrapbook had Jared crying into the older man’s shoulder. That whole time Jensen had been thinking of him. All those moments where Jared felt like Jensen might find him irritating or a nuisance, Jensen had been developing all of this.

The part that sent his heart into overdrive was the date they met scrawled at the end. Next to it was a side note: _Best day of my life._ Jared hadn’t been able to contain himself, balling like never before, tears of happiness streaming down his face, words of _I love you—this is amazing—you’re the best_ pouring out of his mouth like a cycle. Jared had felt Jensen smile— _smile_ into the skin of his shoulder, but he never got to see it with his own eyes, so he vowed to see it for real, one way or another. Not by asking Jensen to smile in a picture—just by making the man smile. Yeah, Jensen grins at him or smirks, but when Jared can see that he _wants_ to smile, the thought is gone before it has time to form in Jensen’s head.

There’s something blocking him. And Jared has a feeling that it has a good deal to do with Jensen’s asshole Da—no, he doesn’t deserve that title--asshole sperm donor.

“Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” Jensen murmurs, eyeing Jared wearily, clearly star struck by his sudden mood change.

Jared nods, and the two of them set out after they grab their jackets. It’s _rarely_ chilly out tonight, so it’s the sensible thing to do. As they walk, both favouring their hands in their pockets, shoulders barely brushing, Jared pictures what it’s going to be like for them in a few years time. Will they ever come out as a couple? Will Jared ever actually come out to his fans? Will they get a place together? Will the media be on their asses for the rest of their lives? Is it worth risking their fame? Jared doesn’t have any answers to all of these questions swimming around the cesspool of his mind. That makes him anxious. Who’s to say that Jensen won’t get bored of Jare— _come on. That scrap book practically bares Jensen’s soul._

It’s simple. This is the place that he wants to be—in a world with Jensen, regardless of what the basis of their relationship is. Jared only wants to exist where Jensen exists. Anything in between that doesn’t matter to him. If Jensen were to decide that he couldn’t do this anymore, Jared would be perfectly fine if that meant that they could still be friends—if that meant that Jensen would still be a part of his life. Any other ending to that, and Jared’s not sure that he would want to live in that world.

Jensen has this way of making his thoughts turn dark. He’s never paid much mind to these types of thought patterns—never loved someone enough to kill for them. When Jensen talked about the pain that he went through, Jared felt it. He felt it in his bones, but mostly in his heart. During that time, it was as if he was there in the past with Jensen, watching it all happen, bound to Jensen in a way that his pain was Jared’s pain. His tears were Jared’s tears. The blood that soaked into the carpet was Jared’s blood as well.

Jared would choose Jensen over anything and anyone.

“Why are you so good at this?”

Jensen pauses his steps. “Good at what?”

“Being... My boyfriend,” Jared mutters, blushing.

Frowning, Jensen nudges his shoulder against Jared’s. “Am I supposed to be bad at it?”

“No... Just, I wish I could do something nice for you.”

No words are said between them for the next five minutes, clearly wrapped up in their own thoughts. Jared is thinking about what a jerk he sounds like for lecturing Jensen for being _nice_ to him. Who the hell does that anyway? So what if Jensen wants to make him laugh and smile? It’s a free country. Jared just wishes that he could do the same thing.

Jensen shoves him in a corner of an open-alleyway, some dingy left for dead garbage dumpster blocking them from the view of the people that might be watching. He presses him up against the wall, mouth tasting Jared’s own, sucking every breath out of the younger man until he’s panting, about ready to just let Jensen fuck him right here—

“I did that because I wanted to. I did that because I’m _really_ happy for the first time in my life. I did that because I haven’t thought about my past since you brought me back from that episode. I did that because you’re the only person that I see in any room that we enter together. I did that because you mean more to me than my own life. I did that because you’re my inspiration for everything, and I... I, uh,” Jared is watching Jensen’s lips trying to form the words. He can see just how hard it is for Jensen to say them without thinking about what he really doesn’t want the older man to think about. But he’s trying. He’s trying so hard. And that’s just the most... Jared couldn’t love Jensen more if he tried. “I—fuck sake, Jared... I—“

“Shush,” Jared soothes, kissing Jensen gently. “I’ve already told you—“

“No. I wuv you,” Jensen chokes out, embarrassment creeping up to the tips of his ears.

As much as he wants to full out laugh right now, Jared stops himself. He cradles Jensen’s head in his hands, leaning in to breathe Jensen’s air. “I wuv you, too.”

They’re not the right words. They’re cute, and something that a child would say, but Jared couldn’t be happier in this moment. Through determination and sheer willpower, Jensen found a way to express the way that he feels through words without stressing about them. Jared knows that one day Jensen will have no problems saying it to him, and he’ll have no problems saying it back.

After sorting themselves out, they head back out onto the street, entering the restaurant that they had their first _date_ in, where the lady at the counter mistook them for a couple. Jared's not sure what she’ll think if she’s here this time around, and Jared wonders if those flowers and candles will be a part of this... Like they were the first time—too many firsts to think of. Jared shakes his head.

“Table for two?” the lady asks, eyeing the two of them.

Jensen flashes a dashing grin, “Yes, please.”

“Special occasion?” she mutters with a smile.

“First dinner as _partners,_ ” Jensen answers easily, flicking his eyes to Jared’s.

His heart is about to bloody the floor, he swears.

“Oh, you doing business together?”

Jensen smirks, skimming over Jared’s ass. “Something like that, yeah.”  


	18. First New Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Jensen get drunk at Jensen's launch party. Then something happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly finished with this! I can't believe it. ;-; Finally, I will COMPLETE a long fic. :D 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~

Today is the day Jensen’s debut is released onto the stands. Jared could not be more pleased for his boyfriend. Every track sounds like Jensen poured his heart into it, and that will speak to his fans. Jared can already see Jensen getting some crazy-stalker fans that will make it their life’s goal to find out where Jensen lives, and sleep outside his house for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of him. Doesn’t hurt that he’s ridiculously good-looking either. The fans are going to _eat_ that up.

Thankfully, Jim and Jeffery Dean Morgan liked the song that they came up with for the collaboration piece, otherwise the album would have had to be pushed back. All they had to do was change the title of the song, and everything was cool. Jim congratulated them, saying that the song was sweet, adding that it captures their _friendship._ Jared hates that Jim isn’t dumb as a sack of rocks, and can actually see things forming in front of his eyes. When Jared finally caved and admitted that they were seeing each other, Jim had him promise not to let it go public. Then, getting over the initial anger of having to keep _another_ secret part of his life from his fans, Jared accepted the terms, glaring all the while. Jensen had noticed immediately, and just the graze of the man’s fingers had been enough to subdue him.

Jensen hasn’t listened to his own album, stressing that he doesn’t like to listen to anything that he sings because he’s his toughest critique. Jared relented after Jensen pointed out that the younger man would find it annoying to have to hear Jensen go on and on about how _terrible_ it is, never giving him the chance to actually make an opinion of his own. Nevertheless, Jared had listened on his own once it had all been put together. He gave his private notes to Jeffery Dean Morgan, as he couldn’t risk Jensen overhearing anything. Jared hadn’t said anything bad at all, but Jensen gets jumpy around compliments.

Jared is nursing a beer, watching the exchange between Jensen and the crew. He’s thanking them for their hard work, and they’re telling him how much of a pleasure it was to work alongside him. Jensen’s brushing that off, assuring them that this never would have happened without them, and he won’t take no for an answer.

Honestly, Jared wishes they were alone. Yes, they have been in each other’s company almost exclusively for a while now. They only have to resort to that because they can’t get away with the things that they want to do when they’re out in public. Like they are right now. Jensen is casually running his hand up and down Jared’s thigh—and that’s something, but it’s not enough. It’s not what Jared wants to be doing right now, which is being all tangled up in his bed, celebrating Jensen releasing his first album.

Instead, they’re sitting around a booth, having a few pre-party drinks before they head to the launch. Between now and the launch party, Jared and Jensen aren’t going to have any time to themselves. Jared has very much gotten used to having Jensen’s hands all over him on a regular basis, so he’s going to find himself missing that once they’re in plain sight. Jensen’s caressing his thigh now, but he won’t be later, when Jensen has to talk to random-ass people that neither of them have met or really care to know.

The beer tastes like shit, as if it’s a reflection of his mood right now. He’s _thrilled_ for Jensen. That doesn’t mean that he wants to be around all of these people. It surprises him how much he has changed since he got together with the older man. Jared used to be the life of the party, and would happily spend his entire night just talking to all sorts of different people. Now, he just wants to go home, make out on his bed, and then have Jensen slide between his legs, connecting them once more.

Jensen doesn’t look like he’s fairing much better than Jared is. Obviously, Jensen is not at all comfortable with talking to this many people at once, and having to really pay mind to what they are actually saving. Yet, if Jensen were to ask them all to leave, they would know that he isn’t normal. Jared doesn’t want that for his boyfriend, and so he starts to take on some of the slack, answering any questions that Jensen hasn’t been able to get around to yet.

Finishing off his drink, Jared stands. He gestures for Jensen to come with him, and the older man excuses himself from the table. Jared’s making it look like they’re just going to get another drink. Really, he wants five minutes alone with Jensen so he can ask him how he is truly feeling right now. Jared remembers what it had been like for him when his first album had been released. At the time, he had been over the moon, while also tackling the constant feeling that he was going to throw his guts up all over the place. After a lengthy struggle, Jared had started to calm down when the numbers came in, and people stopped him on the street for his autograph or something. These days, it’s not as hectic as it used to be. Then again, that’s the way it is when you don’t release something new for a while.

Jensen’s eyeing him with curiosity as Jared leads him into the men’s toilets, crowding him into a stall. Jared rolls his eyes when Jensen smirks, eyebrow jutting up in suggestion. Regretfully, Jared insists that they’re not in here for _that._ Maybe later, when they’re not surrounded by people. When Jensen rolls his hips, Jared nearly reconsiders. Somehow, he composes himself, pushing Jensen to tell him how he’s feeling right now.

“Well, right now... I’m horny because you’re in here with me,” Jensen jokes, backing Jared up against the door of the stall, hands planting either side of the younger man.

“We can’t risk anything here,” Jared mutters, non-existent heat to his words.

“Fine,” Jensen agrees, moving away from Jared. He waits for Jared to step out of the way, so that he can leave. Not sure what else to do, Jared lets him go, understanding why he may be feeling hurt. Truly, it sucks that they can’t tell the world that they’re together. While they know that people are more open-minded about things these days, it’s not a smart move to make any sudden announcements while everything is still fresh.

Jared heaves a sigh, following Jensen back out to their booth.

The other night at their first _official_ dinner, Jensen had seemed like he wanted to throw Jared on top of the table and do things to him in front of everyone. Jensen’s actually expressed to him that he has no problems admitting to the world that he’s with the younger man. Jensen told Jared that love is blind, and they should take advantage of that. Of course Jared wants to—nothing would make him happier, but Jim advised against it. At the moment, Jensen’s having a rough time believing that this has nothing to do with his past, that Jared is ashamed of him or something. Jared has repeatedly assured him that if there ever was a reason, that would not be it, no matter what the circumstances happen to be.

Not being able to hold Jensen’s hand is killing him. Jensen keeps sending subtle looks his way, as he regales the story behind one of the songs on his album. Jared knows that he wants to hold his hand, too. When they’re not out in public, all they do is touch. It’s like they crave it from each other. At night, Jensen plays the part of the big spoon, curling his arm around Jared, gripping the younger man’s hand at his middle, wedging as close to each other as possible. During the day, they are joined at the hip in some way or another, and they never want to leave each other’s side. Jared never wants that to end. It’s something that he has grown accustomed to, and he can’t have this pressure cutting into their relationship.

Come hell or high water, Jared will find a way to come out, admit that he’s in love with Jensen, and still keep his fans. There just has to be a way. No, Jensen’s not being a bitch about the whole thing. He understands the reasons behind Jim’s tact—Jensen would prefer the choice to be able to touch his boyfriend without being judged, and the feeling is wholly mutual there.

When Jensen’s bottle hits the table, he announces that it’s time for them to move on to the launch party. Jared can tell that he’s nervous about it. That he doesn’t actually want to leave this place just yet, but wants to get the whole thing over with. Jared can relate to that. His reasons for wanting this to be over with are different, but garner the same intensity.

Moments later, they’re exiting the bar, heading over the road towards the studio. Jared has a feeling that when they walk in there, there’s going to be some sort of surprise for the older man. The way they encouraged them to leave earlier reeked of suspicion. Not only is the party being thrown in Jensen’s honour, but they have something else up their sleeve, or so it would seem that way from the outset.

They get to the door, buzzing in with their temporary passes. Usually, elevators would be used for stolen kisses. Regretfully, they are not alone, so they have to stop themselves from doing what their body’s so desperately want to do right now. Jared can actually see Jensen breathing deeper to quell the need. It has him reflecting briefly on Jensen’s more than admirable self control.

Jared and Jensen walk out into the room as the elevator doors slide open, trekking ahead of the guys from the crew that were out with them. There’s music blasting from the speakers, hits from the greatest years in the music business, and Jared can already feel his hips swaying to the beat. They’re greeted by people from the news—Jared nudges them out of the way as he leads Jensen further into the room, knowing that Jensen is not going to be in the mood for answering any more questions right this second, whilst also working on how the hell they got in here in the first place, cleared up by Jeffery Dean Morgan ushering the press their way. It makes sense that he would want to take credit for finding Jensen. Which he sort of did. But Jensen is the one with the awesome talent!

Huffing, Jared barges his way through the throng of people to get them both a drink, sending a silent apology over his shoulder to the older man, who looks about ready to pull a Christian Bale. Jared can see from the bar that they won’t stop hounding him with questions, one’s that Jensen has most likely answered fifty times earlier—people have the same thoughts about his music, it seems. The ones about Childhood, he just says ‘no comment’. Or at least, that’s what Jared assumes he’s saying when his lips move, and his temples start ticking with annoyance.

“...There is a recurring theme, yes. But I plan on experimenting with different genres in the future. That’s not to say that I’ll move on from Country, just practise different styles,” Jensen gruffly responds, eyeing Jared as he comes into view. He mentions their collaboration, and suddenly there’re lots of microphones in Jared’s face. He tells them that he’s not prepared to answer any questions at this time, as he plans on getting pissed tonight. Jensen gives him a look like he’s impressed, and embarrassed that he didn’t just say that in the first place.

With the vultures no longer flagging them, it gives them a chance to actually enjoy the party. They dance. They sing along to the good old tunes. They drink shots, they pull faces at each other. Jared can tell that Jensen is just pretending that the shot makes him gag—he’s seen the dude go through a bottle of scotch in one sitting—the man is not an amateur when it comes to alcohol.

Jared’s starting to feel like he’s not going to remember this day at all if they keep up the intake of booze that they are. Just because one of them is a fish does not mean the other can remain at their pace. Jared relays this to Jensen, and he laughs, calling him a lightweight. Even though the statement is true, Jared challenges Jensen to an eating competition, bringing them to the food table, where they knock everyone else out of the way so that they can stuff their faces to prove a point to each other.

By the end of it, their stomachs are full and hurting, but Jared’s overly thrilled that he came out the victor, with Jensen complaining that he didn’t have a chance in hell, adding on that he’s glad that they didn’t bet on this because it would have been a no brainer that Jared would win.

In their slightly drunken states, they argue over who could get the most numbers in the room. The battle wages on for half an hour, and Jensen comes back with a staggering fifty five numbers, Jared only falling short by four. They declare that all the people in the room must be whores, as there is no way that they didn’t get some of the same numbers.

This leads them to the bathroom, where they have a pissing contest, both holding it back to make the stream last longer. Jared gets distracted by Jensen’s cock, effectively throwing the race when he loses control of his bladder. Jensen does a victory circle with his dick. Jared nearly tears his lip trying to stop himself from falling to his knees right then.

Bladders emptied, they drag their asses to the bar, laughing at nothing as they down their chasers, arms subconsciously folding over the other’s shoulder, remaining there as they sing out of tune to some song that they can’t even begin to comprehend the name of at this moment in time.

Jared is drunker than he has ever been. He can’t believe how much he has had. He also can’t fathom how Jensen isn’t passed out on the floor. A thought pops in his mind that they should probably head back soon, as it is starting to get pretty late. He forgets to be sensible when Jensen dares him to go pants someone. Regardless of how childish that is, Jared is picking out his victim before he can stop himself, sending a wink to Jensen as he pulls some random guy’s pants down, assuring him that it had been a dare. The guy is a good sport about it, laughing along with other people.

Dares become their next event of the night, only stopping when they take it a bit too far with Jensen doing a jello-shot off Jared’s navel. Sure, it looks like it’s all for fun, but Jared can’t ignore the way Jensen is sucking at his skin, teeth joining the ministrations, and Jensen remains there for longer than he should. People start looking at them, and Jared makes a joke that he has a big inny! They seem to find that plausible and funny, soon turning away from the showing.

When Jensen has sucked up every last drop of alcohol from Jared, he leans up to his ear, whispering filth that has Jared on the verge of climax.

As quickly as he possibly can, Jared makes up some excuse for them having to leave, and they are hailing the nearest taxi, barely able to keep their hands off each other on the ride to the house. Jensen kept digging his hand under Jared’s shirt, feeling the skin there, husking what he’s about to do to the younger man when they get in. Jared nearly throws money at the driver to hurry his ass up.

Through the door, Jensen knocks Jared to the ground, straddling him as he licks and bites Jared’s neck, growling _Mine!_ as he goes, labelling each part of Jared’s skin with his teeth and tongue. Jared arches into Jensen’s attention, hating the clothes that are keeping them apart.

Just as Jensen’s about to settle between Jared’s legs and make drunken love to him on the floor, Jared rushes to convince Jensen that he just needs a few seconds to grab some lube—as much sex as they’ve already had, Jared still needs a fair amount of the slick-based liquid to get him ready.

Jensen nods, pulling Jared into a rough kiss, full of possession before allowing the younger man to do whatever it is that he wants to do. Jared can see that. He can see that Jensen is so far gone sense-wise right now, and all he wants to do is get up in Jared’s business, which he is _more_ than willing to allow once he has lube—maybe just a few minutes of prep. He’s sure that Jensen won’t pass out. Unlike Jared, the man isn’t a lightweight. Jared isn’t even sure how he managed to find the lube, let alone realize that he’s going to need it for the next part.

Five minutes later, Jared is somewhat prepped and ready to go. He exits his room with a goofy grin on his face, the colour draining from him moments later when he notices that Jensen is not in the house and Jared’s door is hanging open, revealing the outside world.

This fact alone sobers Jared enough for him to see straight. He registers something flashing on the floor. It’s the light from Jensen’s phone. Frowning, Jared bends to pick it up, reading the warning about a voicemail—seeing that it has already been played once. Jared knows that he probably shouldn’t be doing this—privacy and all. But in this moment, he has no idea what else to do and this seems to have some sort of answer as to why Jensen is not in his house getting ready to scr—not really important right now.

Jared loads up the voicemail, heart in his throat as he waits for it to start.

“ _Hello, Mr. Ackles. My name is Jenna Swan. My client’s case has led me to you. Now, your testimony would go a long way to putting Louis Ackles behind bars for good. So, I’m calling you in the hopes that you will come to my client’s aid in assisting the prosecution of Louis Ackles. I know that this might be hard for you, but I’d like very much for you to just consider this. Thank you for your time. Please give me a call back on 55—“_

Disconnecting the call, Jared falls to his knees on the floor.

Jensen had to have heard that name and ran.

Jensen is gone.

Fuck.


	19. Returning Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen finds himself somewhere he used to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one is in Jensen's view point. :o 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~

Jensen wakes up wishing that the effects of the alcohol from last night would create a pounding in his head that could distract him from his thoughts. Much to his chagrin, that’s not the case. He’s not sure how he made it here. He’s not even sure why he’s here. Yes, he might not get the headaches from over-drinking, but that’s not to say that he doesn’t suffer with the occasional gaps in memory. Jensen recalls getting ready to have sex with Jared on the floor, and then his phone buzzed—he listened to the message, got upset, and ended up _here._

It makes sense. This is where he would go when things got a little too much for him—to the point where he just couldn’t put up with the grief or the pain. Somehow, the calming flow of the water would put his mind at ease, sort of like the classical music would. Except, this had the adverse effect of temporarily washing away all of his fears. In some cases, it made him feel like he wasn’t alone in the world. That maybe people that understood what he was going through would do the same—come to the water, cleanse themselves of all the dirt; the blood; the self-disgust. Something to make them feel _pure_ again.

Jensen hasn’t been here since he was eleven years old. Not since his Daddy followed him out of the house to see where it was that he had been going. After nearly drowning, Jensen had promised that he would never come back here. Last night, he broke that promise. Last night, he felt true fear for the first time in ages. Not even having Jared there with him stopped Jensen from legging it out of the door. He feels bad that he didn’t say anything—feels terrible that he left his phone behind, giving Jared no chance to get in contact with him.

Jared must be worried sick. Or maybe he passed out in the bedroom and has no idea that Jensen is even gone yet? This isn’t fair on the younger man. He’s done nothing but be supportive, so Jensen should have given him the opportunity to help Jensen see straight before he did anything stupid, like run away to a spot that Jared has no idea even exists. Guilt is gnawing at his insides, telling him that he should start heading home; that this has gone on long enough and he needs to start making some tough decisions.

Why did this have to fall on a day that was supposed to be one of the best? His first album was released for fuck sake! And, he was going to make love to his gorgeous boyfriend and maybe take another crack at telling him that he loves him, when that God damn message popped up on his phone. Why the hell did he answer it? He should have just left it alone, dealt with it in the morning when Jared was there with him to listen and advise. But that name popped up. That name burrowed deep into his head, unlocking memories that he wished to take to the grave with him, and Jensen’s legs were moving before he had a chance to think about where they were taking him.

Jensen didn’t hear the rest of the message. The moment the name was announced, the phone fell from his hand. Something about his testimony. A dry laugh leaves his throat. This lawyer expects him to get on the stand—face the man that he swore that he would never see again for as long as he might live? People don’t just ask things like that of people that have been through that sort of thing. Jensen is not at all comfortable with seeing him, and there’s not a chance in hell that he’s going to be able to get the words out with that asshole watching him the whole time.  

That’s how it’s going to be. Jensen knows that it is. He’s seen the way that the courtroom works before. They make sure that the accused and the accuser can see each other—feeding off of that interaction, the jury watching them for their reactions; trying to build something out of it; trying to come to some kind of conclusion based on what they can see with their eyes. Little do they know that the accuser is having a hard time breathing, not just getting the words out. Not to mention, Jensen is going to have to deal with his Daddy’s own lawyer doing their job, coming up with every possible trick in the book to refute Jensen’s confession. They’ll try and make it seem like he wanted his Daddy to hurt him—like he was the one that asked for it, due to some kind of guilt for Jensen’s Mother leaving or some shit.

Jensen’s not sure that he can handle that. It would be difficult enough for him to be in the same room as the man. If he has to defend himself to some hot shot lawyer that thinks he’s the best at what he does, he’s not sure that he’ll be able to stop himself from throttling the guy, thereby sentencing himself to prison. The likelihood is that it would all become too much for Jensen, and he would back out of it before the trial went through. If that were to happen, the judge would ask the jury to dismiss anything that Jensen said while he was there, and the case would be dropped not long after that.

The upside is that if Jensen can get his head straight and go through with this trial, he might actually get to see that asshole behind bars. The alternative outcome is knowing that he could have played a part in helping a victim like himself gain justice, but chickened out. Jensen doesn’t know what that type of thing would do to him. He’s not sure that he would be strong enough to revert back to the way things were before the stupid voicemail.

He wishes that Jared was here with him. Jared would know what to do. Jared always knows what to do. Jared is the only person that keeps Jensen sane. Jared is probably the reason that Jensen gets out of bed in the morning. Prior to the younger man, it was alcohol or really needing a piss. Now, he gets to wake up with Jared in his arms, gets to feel all of Jared’s skin against him. Jared is perfect. Jared is everything good in this world. Jensen really wants Jared.

“He’s not here, though,” Jensen grumbles at the water, throwing a stone sharply across the stream. When he got done with crying all those years ago, this is what he would busy himself with doing until he was ready to take the journey back to his house. Honestly, he had never been _ready,_ just hungry enough to need something to eat and not willing to starve himself for another night. There would be no guarantee that he would be served food anyway or given the opportunity to cook for himself, but a chance had been better than nothing. Jensen was a growing boy, and he had needed as much food as he could get.

The water ripples from another practised toss, bringing back a fond memory of a dog that Jensen secretly started to hope that he would see every time he came here. The dog had been a stray—a greyhound that Jensen called Buddy whenever he would show up. Jensen met Buddy for the first time when his Daddy pushed him down the stairs. He crawled his way out of the house and went the usual way to his spot, positioning himself the best way that he could to dull the pain to its lowest maximum. Jensen had reached his spot in far more time than it usually would take him, but he brushed that off as he laid himself down on the grass, avoiding the dips and bumps against the bruises on his skin. For a long time, Jensen had just stayed in the same spot, breathing in the warm air, hoping to catch a nap while he had been there. A tongue licking at his cheek had quickly had him shooting up, wincing a moment later at the pain blossoming all over his front and back. It took a few short beats, but Jensen had eventually noticed that a dog was wagging its tail next to him, licking his arms. Jensen hadn’t had the heart to tell it to go away, so he stroked it for a while. As if sensing that he was in pain, Buddy had licked his wounds, like a Mother would for her pups, and soon after that they became friends—friends that would meet in secret after tough times, and breeze the night away in each other’s company.

Jensen misses Buddy.

“Jared is like an energetic puppy... Maybe Buddy lives on through him?” Jensen jokes to himself, lying back on the grass, staring up at the clouds. He can’t believe how calm he is—on the outside. On the inside, he feels like his organs are about to fail all at once, but he’ll come back to that. He’s calm because he just knows somehow that Jared is going to find him. He’s going to find him, and he’s then going to help him figure out what to do. Jared’s the torch that guides Jensen out of the dark forest and into the hazy sunshine that makes him feel so alive.

That first push that began his slow descent inside Jared had made him feel things that he hadn’t been aware of. Nerves that he didn’t know served a purpose exploded inside him, endorphins pulsing around his body in staggering beats, seemingly never ending. At the time, Jensen thought that it would be just like having sex with a woman, minus the varied self-lubrication. He’d never been more wrong in his life. Sex with Jared had been like every orgasm he ever experienced all rolled into one—every single time after that having the exact same result. Jared’s body and mind became a drug to Jensen. A drug that he would never be able to kick, no matter what he did to soften the itch. After that first time, Jensen knew that he was a goner. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself for very long. He knew that he wouldn’t care if other people knew they were together. Hell, if they did then maybe they would stop eyeing up what belongs to him.

Before Jared, possession had never really been Jensen’s thing. In his relationships, he kind of just went along for the metaphorical ride. If they wanted to go somewhere, sure. If other guy’s checked them out, whatever. If they told him that some guy wanted their number, he’d pretend that he wasn’t okay with it—when, really he could care less. Jared is another story entirely. He gets possessive if someone looks Jared’s way. Even if it is full of innocence, Jensen doesn’t care. It may have something to do with how Jared so easily confessed to sleeping with Stephen. Since then, Jensen has been adding new hickies to Jared’s skin as much and as often as he can. Jensen can’t help himself. When he thinks about Stephen’s hands all over Jared, it makes him want to spill blood.

Luckily, Jared is roughly the same. In his case, though, it’s more to do with attention. Jared likes to have Jensen’s eyes on him. He likes to have Jensen’s hands on him in some way at all seconds of the day. So, if Jensen is talking to someone else, Jared becomes noticeably less subtle about his pouting. Jensen gets that. He’s the same when someone shakes Jared’s hand—that hand is for his only, dammit!

Jensen sighs. He hopes that this isn’t something that he got from his Da—man who gave him life. If he ever laid a hand on Jared, he’s not sure that he would be able to cope with the guilt. He would either run away or end it all in that very instance. He tells himself that he’s not like that. That he could never do something like that to Jared. But then he remembers that his parents were happy at some point in their lives, so what the fuck happened?

“Will I become that?”

_You’re not him. Jensen, I promise you that you won’t become him._

“Am I capable of the things he did?”

_Abuse isn’t something hereditary. Some things happen in your life that put you on that path. You went the other way. You looked for help—and you have never abused someon—_

“But what if things change? He changed.”

_They won’t change, Jensen. I believe that you are far stronger than he could ever hope to be. When you find the girl of your dreams, you’ll do nothing but love her. I know you will._

Jensen snorts. His therapist used to be so sure that everything would change for him on his wedding day, when he tied the knot with the _girl_ of his dreams. Well, that ship sailed. Jared is the person of his dreams, and if given the opportunity, he would be down on one knee. They might have to move to another state, but at least they would be married. Jensen likes the way his heart flutters at that. The thought of being married to Jared has him grinning ear to ear. The thought of having a child with Jared has him nearly squirming on the ground. He starts thinking about saving up money for a surrogate if that ever turned out to be a possibility in their lives. Jensen knows that he wants to be a Dad. He wants to show the man that brought him in to this world how it’s supposed to be done—and Jared would make the perfect partner in their endeavour to raise a child.

Jensen doesn’t realize he’s crying until he is. He ignores it. It’s not important. They’re tears of happiness, not fear, so he lets them fall. Thinking about raising a child has him seeing just how much he wants this to last with Jared—just how far he wants things to go with the younger man, to the point where he’s not sure if this is all just some kind of weirdly-long dream that he’s yet to wake up from; that he’s lying in hospital somewhere in a coma or some shit.

People like Jared just don’t happen to people like Jensen. Their worlds are not supposed to collide the way they have. Sunshine is the opposite of darkness like summer is the opposite of winter. Logically, they never should have happened. Jensen can’t thank fate enough for bringing Jared to him. He must have done something right in his life to have this chance—this chance to actually be happy.

Isn’t that all anyone really wants at the end of it all? To be happy with the one that they love?

Locking that asshole away would be a nice bonus. Question is: can he go through with the whole thing? It’s not going to be easy. He knows that. He knows that he’s going to need Jared there with him every step of the way if he hopes to go through with this.

Jensen doesn’t have a clue what the time is. He didn’t bring anything with him aside from his clothes and his wallet. The sun is starting to set, so he assumes that it’s somewhere around seven in the evening. He’s not one of those people that can tell the time from the position of the sun, but he can take a wild guess. It can’t be morning because the sun isn’t rising. It can’t be mid day because the sun isn’t high in the sky. So it must be the evening because it’s lowering. Jensen mentally pats himself on the back for his average smarts, sitting up to watch the bright colours before his eyes.

He’s about to stand when he suddenly feels long, familiar arms circling around him, that scent that is purely Jared washing over him. Jared doesn’t say anything to him. He doesn’t tell him off, when he totally should be right now. They just stay in each other’s embrace for however long—lack of opportunity to see the time stopping him from knowing any better. Jared’s head rests on his shoulder, Jensen’s body pulled against his chest, Jared’s legs spreading to put as little space between them as possible.

“I missed you,” Jensen admits, stroking a thumb over Jared’s arm.

“The feeling’s mutual,” Jared mutters, kissing the side of Jensen’s neck.

Jensen shifts them so he’s lying on his back, his head nestled in Jared’s lap, arms dragging behind his head, hands connected with Jared’s. “What should I do, Jay?”

“Whatever you want.”

Turning over, Jensen crawls up the younger man’s body, pillowing his head on Jared’s chest, eyes locking. “I’m scared,” he says as quiet as a mouse, breathing in Jared’s calming scent.

“I know. I’m scared, too,” Jared retorts, kissing Jensen’s forehead.

“I don’t know what I’ll do when I see him.”

Jared stills. “You want to go through with it?”

Nodding, Jensen lays his head over Jared’s beating heart. “I want to put that bastard away.”

“Then we’ll fight. And we’ll win,” Jared assures him, seemingly allowing Jensen to use him as a human pillow for as long as he needs.

 

Once they had set a meeting time for Jensen and the lawyer, who agreed to allow Jared to be in the room with them, otherwise Jensen would not be going through with it, Jared filled the older man in on how he found him in the first place. Of course it would have something to do with his therapist. To be fair, it could have been her or Chris. Both of them are privy to that location, so it had been a tossup in Jensen’s head. Jared admitted that he still has the hangover from hell and told Jensen about what happened after he left. He had faked indignation when Jensen said that he thought that Jared might have passed out on the bed. To his surprise, Jared had been all over the place with worry. Jared had sheepishly confessed that it took him longer than he would have liked to recall that Jensen had a therapist, and that she would most likely be the best one to turn to in this situation.  After coffee and a much needed piss, Jared had set off to find him, his heart in his throat the entire time because who knew if Jensen would be at the place that Samantha said?

Now, they’re waiting to be seen to. Jensen is nervous as shit. He knows that he’s not going to be seeing that asshole today, but having to talk with someone about the shit that happened in his life all over again is making things difficult. Jared being here with him is helping somewhat. Jared always seems to be able to do that for him, no matter what the situation. He also looks just as nervous as him, so it’s nice to know that he’s not the only one having a tough time of this. Not in the way that he’s pleased Jared is on edge, but how he cares enough to be just as worried as him about the result.

When the door opens, Jensen’s not sure how he stayed on his seat. His first thought was to run because he can’t do this anymore, but Jared’s hand on his thigh stops him. It tells him that he’s not alone. That he doesn’t have to do this. Jensen wants to, though. He wants that part of his life to finally be put under lock and key. Literally and figuratively.

Jared tells him to take a deep breath. He does. It helps a little. And then he’s walking into the room, leaving Jared to shake the lady’s hand. Which he shouldn’t have. He’s glaring at the wall now, and he can see Jared hiding a grin behind a fake cough.

“Please, have a seat,” Jenna Swan offers, sitting down at her own chair, waiting for them to do the same. Jensen mutters that he’d really prefer to stand at this point. Jared agrees with him, staying to his side at all times. “Fair enough. Thank you for agree—“

“Look, I really just want to get to the part where you take my statement or whatever, so that I can get out of here. Okay?” Jensen snaps, reining it in as Jared slips his hand into Jensen’s back pocket, reminding him that he’s here—that he’s always going to be here. “I’m sorry. I, just—if there were some way for me to do this without seeing him, I wouldn’t be so on edge. As it stands, I know that the jury are gonna need to hear my testimony or whatever, so I’d rather just save my energy for the day,” he backtracks, breathing out a controlled breath.

“You’re right. Would you like to meet the person that has made these claims?” Jenna questions with a secret smile. Jensen finds himself leaning towards saying yes for some reason. Like he needs to meet them.

“Uh, sure,” he accepts, curiosity all around him. To his right, he can see that Jared’s just as intrigued as he is. He remembers that his father wasn’t a hideous man. But it’s hard to believe that he could fool another person into being a part of his life. Who would want him? Who would allow themselves to get sucked into his world of pain and torture? Jensen doesn’t know, but he wants to. This person might have gone through the same hell as him, and isn’t that reason enough for him to push forward and put an end to this whole thing?

Jenna stands and exits the room, letting them know that she’ll be back in just a moment. Jensen’s not sure what’s about to happen. He doesn’t really like surprises. Never has and most likely never will. But Jared’s presence next to him, along with his own idle curiosity overpowers the aggravation at being left in the dark.

After a few minutes, Jenna steps back through the door. She smiles at the two men in the room, and then moves to the side to allow someone to enter. Jensen’s eyes widen impossibly. He recognizes that hair. He recognizes that outfit, and he certainly recognizes the macaroni necklace curled around the woman’s neck. The smell crawling up his nose reminds him of nights spent on the couch, tucked against a warm, inviting chest, whispers in his ears of a brave soldier that took on the rest of the world.

Jared is saying things in his ear. He’s asking him what’s going on. He’s asking him what to do because he doesn’t understand. Large hands are tugging his arm, trying to pull his focus. Jensen’s eyes can’t leave the ones that reflect his own shade of green. He takes a step forward without thinking, just allowing his body to lead him to where it wants to go, and suddenly he’s being enveloped in arms that promised safety from the monsters in the closet. He’s being taken in by arms that helped him as he learned to walk—that closed around him and kept him _safe_.  He’s crying like the first time he scraped his knee—needing his Momma to tell him that everything is okay.

“Momma,” Jensen breathes into her shirt, unable to gather any feelings of anger in this moment. He knows that he should be cross with her for being gone all of these years—that he should tell her that he never wants to see her face, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t because ever since his Momma left him, he’s been waiting for her to come home.

And now she’s home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the kudos and stuff. I really appreciate it. 
> 
> Kisses 
> 
> \--Kieran


	20. Momma's Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is pissed. Things get done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... This is the one before the last chapter. :OOOOOO
> 
> And then there's an epilogue--yay! :D 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~

This is some kind of joke, right? The universe just expects Jared to stand here and accept what is going on in front of him? To not say a word about the absurdity of the exchange? Who the hell does this woman think she is? Showing up out of the blue, suddenly determined to make up for the mistakes of her past? Jared can’t stop himself from glaring and scowling at the woman. His boyfriend might be wrapped up in her embrace right now, but Jared knows that he’s just as pissed underneath the surface, and there is no way that this is all just going to be swept under the rug like nothing is amiss. Jared will not stand for that. For years, Jensen has been without a Mother. She left him—fucking left him with a monster, and Jared is sure as shit not going to make it easy for her. He’s going to remind her of what she did, even if she is too proud of herself at the moment to remember that.

“Jensen,” Jared snaps, inwardly apologetic for raising his voice, but this needs to happen right now.

Seemingly snapped out of a daze, Jensen pulls himself away, wiping the tears from his eyes. He returns to Jared’s side, hand reaching for something. Jared accepts the hand, glaring bloody murder at Jensen’s Mother. She has to understand that she’s not getting off scot free—there are consequences to being selfish for all these years. It’s not acceptable for a Mother to leave her child in that situation knowing exactly what their Husband is capable of. For all they know, the abuse hadn’t been half as bad on her end, and Jensen ended up taking the brunt of it all.

“Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Jay—“

“No. Jensen. Just, no. I am not gonna stand here like some fumbling idiot while the woman that _abandoned_ you hugs it out like nothing is wrong here,” Jared states, nostrils flaring. He’s not sure that he’s ever been this angry at someone face to face. He’s pretty sure that if she were a man, he would have tackled her to the ground by now. The audacity of this lady. Just waltzing in like _nothing_ bad has happened. Jared doesn’t agree with that shit, and neither should Jensen. If Jensen won’t fight his own corner, then Jared will do it for him.

“I’m—“

Jared growls, “You don’t get to talk to him. You don’t get to fucking look at him, do you understand me?” He can see that Jenna isn’t sure if she should probably call for help here because Jared hasn’t made any threats. “Jensen has gone through enough in his life, and he doesn’t need you bringing up anymore,”—Jensen’s hand tightens in his own. There’s so much tension radiating all over the older man’s body, as if he’s just now starting to realize that he had been a fool for just hugging her like that, for momentarily making a lapse in judgement. Jared forgives him for that. Sometimes we forget what we’re mad about when a loved one is involved, no matter how deep the betrayal. And that’s what this is. A fucking A Grade betrayal. She promised to protect her son. Instead, she _fed him_ to the wolves.

Jensen’s Mother glances around the room, taking in Jared’s form, noticing that he’s really quite tall, and that their hands are joined. She doesn’t seem affronted by that. If anything, she looks at it like it’s normal. Credit where it’s due, at least she’s not a homophobe.

“Thank you, um, Jared,” she whispers quietly, running a hand through her silvery blond hair. Jared takes satisfaction from her nervous disposition. Damn right she should be feeling like she’s about to drop a huge brick on the ground. Jared is not going to be easy here. He’s going to rip her apart until he hears a proper apology. And even then, she’s got a lot of making up to do.

“No thanks are necessary. I did it because I love your son. But he’s too good for you. He’ll always be too good for you,” Jared bites back, worried that this is all going to become too much for Jensen. He can feel him shaking next to him. “I don’t know where he gets his strength and bravery from, but I doubt it’s from you or his sorry excuse for a sperm-donor. Maybe there’s someone in his family with a semblance of decency because I sure as hell am not seeing it here,” he snarls, moving Jensen behind him, not feeling like this woman deserves to breathe the man’s own air. Jared can feel Jensen’s forehead pressed against the back of his neck, quivering hands sinking into his pockets.

“Please, you have to understand tha—“

“I don’t have to understand shit. You fucked up. You abandoned him. You could have taken him with you, and yet you chose to leave him with an abusive father who blamed him for you leaving.” Jared is about ready to leave now. He doesn’t want to look at her face. Nothing she can say here will be good enough anyway. Honestly, she should count herself lucky that Jared’s not some kind of mob boss or something because he wouldn’t bat an eye before putting out a hit on this lady.

Jensen’s voice behind him is so quiet that Jared’s not sure it’s even real.

“How long?”

Clearly shocked by the question and the sound of her sons’ voice, Jensen’s Mother moves hesitantly towards a seat. Jenna Swan sits next to her, eyes focused on Jared, filled with suspicion and anxiety.

“Before you were born, Je—“

“You don’t get to say his name,” Jared corrects, daring her to say otherwise.

She nods her head, tearing up, but ultimately understanding that she hasn’t earned the right yet. “Before you were born, I was with your Father from a very young age. I met him when I was seventeen and he was twenty-one. At first, he was a gentleman. Handsome, respectful, and I fell for him because of that. He was always good at charming people. The abuse started a year after we got together. It started off as just verbal things, things said with the intention of lowering my self-esteem. Not surprisingly, it had worked. By the time the rough grabs and other things started, I hadn’t been in a mind space where I could get out of it. I just couldn’t find it in myself to do something—to ask for help or anything. Not long after it started, I lost a lot of weight, stopped seeing my friends because he didn’t want me hanging out with them. The only reason we got married is because I fell pregnant with you.”

“The day you were born, I was so happy that I didn’t care about the beatings. I knew that I had you, and that would be enough. And for a while, your Father didn’t hurt me. He was too happy about having his very own son. Actually, he had been great with you—patient and loving—I had no idea that he would start abusing... you. It didn’t take long for it to start all over again. He would call me a terrible Mother, burn me on the cooker, but I would ignore it because you needed me to be strong for you. I still have some of the scars from those days. Most of them are faded, but they’re prominent enough to have an impact. I’m going to show them in the trial. I know that he’ll react to them—I’m sorry, I’m getting off topic.”

“The day I left was the hardest day of my entire life. It was after he—um, never mind that part. He caught me trying to leave. He noticed that I had two bags packed and two passports. He said—um... He said that if I tried to take you with me, he would kill you. But if I didn’t, then he would let me go, and that he would take care of you—I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I begged him to promise me that he would do just that—that he would make sure that you grew up happy, and to tell you that I would always be looking out for you like your guardian angel.  Even after what I went through, I _swear_ that I never thought he would be that way with you! It makes me sick to my stomach to think how much pain you endured... What he put you through every night. And I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness—I just want you to know that I never— _not for a second—_ stopped loving you, or stopped believing that I would one day see you again—I’m so... so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Jared is tearing up before he can help himself. He can feel Jensen rubbing his eyes on the material of Jared’s shirt. What she did may have been inexcusable, but the conviction in her voice speaks of nothing other than the truth. Jared can sort of see where she is coming from. While he still doesn’t agree with her decision one tiny bit, he can understand that she may have been fooled in that moment into believing that Jensen would actually be okay, that that asshole wouldn’t have the gull to beat on Jensen like he did his Wife. He can’t for the life of him imagine what this would be like if this was his Mother bearing her soul in front of him.

Hesitantly, Jared senses Jensen stepping out from behind him. He lets him go. This needs to happen now. Jared does not forgive her, and he suspects that Jensen hasn’t quite gotten there either, but this is a start of something. On shaky legs, Jensen moves over to his Mother, mindfully placing his hand on her shoulder. Her reaction is slow as she rests her hand on top of his, thumb tentatively smoothing over the roughened skin.

Jared watches as they just hold each other for a long time, Jensen giving her the support that she used to give to him when he was a lot smaller—when he was still a little boy. Biting his tongue to stop himself from saying something else that he may or may not regret, Jared falls into a chair, huffing out a long breath. It’s been building up since he broke up their reunion. Sometimes, Jared has to be the bad guy in life. He knows that he was rude. He doesn’t care. She deserved it for acting so casually in a situation that is anything other than casual. To a degree, he thinks that she gets where he’s coming from anyway, so maybe he doesn’t have to apologize. Maybe if Jensen asks him to. Even if he thinks that he really shouldn’t have to, he will because it would be Jensen asking him, and he’ll do anything for the man that he loves.

“I don’t blame you for leaving, Momma. I’m not ready to just sweep everything under the rug. You were gone for twenty-seven years. It’s gonna take some time for me to get used to having you in my life again. Jared is right. This isn’t something that just goes away. When you left, a piece of me left with you. And that piece didn’t come back until I met Jared, my boyfriend,” Jensen says effortlessly, like he wasn’t strictly-women not even a little over a month ago now. “He’s helped me in more ways than I ever hoped just by being there. Jared means more to me than my own life, Momma, and I won’t do anything that he’s not comfortable with. If that means that I have to leave here right now—not go through with this, I will. If he’s not comfortable being around you, that’s the way it’s gonna have to be,” Jensen informs her, flashing his eyes at Jared, looking for some kind of answer.

Jared’s not sure what to say. He had no idea that Jensen valued his opinion _that_ much, enough to drop this whole thing just because Jared is not happy with the man’s Mother right now. Of course Jared would never be that selfish. He wants this all to be over for Jensen. He wants to see that _asshole_ rot in hell for the things that he has done. The only way for that to happen is to put Jensen on the stand. And Jensen’s not going anywhere near that stand without Jared in the room with him.

“Can I talk to your Mother alone, please?” Jared requests quietly, eyes on the top of the table. He soaks in the kiss on his temple before feet shuffle out of the room, encouraged by the ascent from Jensen’s Mother. She’s not sure where her eyes should be, as if there’s a lack of certainty that she can _look_ at him. He’s not the one that she has wronged. She can look at him, but that doesn’t mean that he has to acknowledge that.

“He seems really happy with you,” she mumbles quietly, scratching the lobe of her right ear. It’s so Jensen-like that Jared almost falls off his chair.

“I guess he is,” Jared replies, done with the small talk. “I’m not gonna stop him from taking that asshole down. The guy deserves to be punished, and if there is any justice in the world, then that will happen. You have got a lot of making up to do, lady. You have no idea how amazing your son is—how strong and brave and courageous—I can’t even comprehend just how tough he is—“

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. You were right to break us up earlier. You were right to tell me that I don’t deserve his kindness. Jared, I am going to do everything in my power to start building a relationship with my son if it kills me.”

Jared nods, somewhat satisfied with that. It’s going to be a long road to recovery. There are going to be bumps along the way. In time, things will start to mend. But they will never be fully healed. Scars like that don’t just disappear. It’s not possible. Jared assumes that she’s aware of this. Without much else to say, Jared calls out for them to come back in.

She whispers a thank you to him that he ignores. None of this is for her. This is all for Jensen. Standing by Jensen is Jared’s only reason for being here. That won’t change, regardless of what happens between A to B. That’s what love is. He just wishes that she could have understood that before she made the foolish decision to get out of dodge.

Jared smiles at Jensen when he comes in, encouraging the older man to speak his mind—to let the words out that he’s been dying to say.

“Let’s take this asshole down,” Jensen says, grinning wolfishly.


	21. Retribution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the trial. Jared is nervous as shit. Jensen is nervous as shit. Everyone is nervous as shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTERRRRR!!!! THEN EPILOGUE!!! BOO-YAAAAAAA
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~

Jared has never been in a courtroom before. Safe to say that if he never sees one after today it’ll be too soon. The tension is suffocating. Mostly due to Jensen freaking the hell out that he’s about to see his sperm-donor for the first time in _years._ He’s going to come face to face with his aggressor. That can’t be easy for anyone. Jared has a feeling that when Jensen sees him, it’s going to take all of his strength to not revert back to that scared, lonely child. It’s been three weeks since they sat down and discussed the trial. Jenna told them pretty much every scenario that could happen—prepped Jensen on what the Defence may come out with, and that he can choose not to comment if he’s not sure how to answer the question. The worst part about this whole ordeal is that Jared isn’t allowed to sit next to Jensen. He has to be in the stands somewhere, away from Jensen. Their separation is making his body twinge with pain every second they aren’t within direct contact. It took a lot of convincing from both Jenna and Jared that the younger man would just be a row away, that he could look to him if ever he needed to. Jared has counted over a hundred times since they sat down.

Jared keeps fidgeting. He’s not sure he’ll be able to help himself from throwing a punch at the sperm-donor. In his dream last night, he pulled out a gun and shot the guy because he smirked at Jensen. Not that it’s important right now, but they haven’t had sex since Jensen reunited with his Mother. Jensen hasn’t been ignoring him for the woman, he’s just not been in the mood for anything. Jared can understand that, and he hasn’t tried to push Jensen into anything that he’s not into at the moment, but he does hope that when this is all over they can celebrate like they were supposed to on Jensen’s debut.

At the moment, the Bailiff is introducing the judge, an old lady who looks like she just crawled out of bed. Jared doesn’t have the space in his head to feel sorry for her. She’s here to do her job after all. Jensen is standing along with Jenna and his Mother, Kate, Jared can tell that he’s nervous—that he’s not sure that he can do this. He hopes that just the hardening of his eyes sends the message to Jensen reminding him again that he’s not alone in all of this. Jensen turns his head, green eyes displaying distress. Jared would give anything to rid that look from Jensen.

 

When they’re asked to sit, they do so. Jared is not prepared for the door opening. He’s not prepared for Jensen’s sperm-donor being walked down the aisle, curious eyes watching him. Jensen doesn’t look like his sperm-donor. Jared is happy about this fact. The guy has cuffs on, and that makes Jared happy as well. The asshole isn’t looking at anyone, not even the people that are finally seeking justice for what he did to them.

Jared nearly throws up all over the place when he sees Jensen’s head lowering, eyes slammed shut, not willing to even chance a glance at his aggressor. It makes sense. He would be the same if the roles were reversed. For now, he does his best not to glare daggers at the man, and glue himself to his seat so he doesn’t do anything that will get him kicked out of the courtroom.

Opening statements seem to drag on forever. Jenna is the only one making any solid points to Jared’s ears. The other guy is just making shit up. That’s his job. Jared can see that Jensen wants to crack the guy over the head. He just keep garbing on about how this could just be them trying to get asshole’s money. This could be Mother and Son trying to hide from the truth. What _truth_ that is, Jared has no idea. He’s not prepared to listen to this go on and on. Jared can tell that the jury are more sympathetic towards their side anyway. It’s the way that they’re not really taking on board anything the guy is saying. Then again, this isn’t the only way to win a trial.

With that over and done with, Jared watches as Kate is called to the stand.

“Ms. Walker, how would you describe your relationship with the accused?”

“Abusive—mentally and physically.”

“Why did you stay?”

Kate smiles sadly, looking at Jensen. “Because of my son.”

“So, when did the abuse start?”

Defence stands. “Objection. Relevance?”

Jenna moves her attention to the judge. “It’s relevant, your honour, as I’m trying to establish a time-line.”

“Overruled. You may answer the question, Ms. Walker.”

“I don’t know. I felt like I couldn’t get away. That I was trapped,” Kate admits, head ducking, but not enough that the jury won’t hear her words. Jared notices Jensen stiffening. He realizes it’s because asshole is staring at him.

“It was more mental, then?”

“Objection. Miss. Swan is not qualified to make that diagnosis, neither is Ms. Walker.”

“Sustained.”

Jenna brushes that off. “My apologies, your honour. I’ll rephrase. In the time that the abuse started, what would you say your mind frame was?”

“I, um, I wasn’t eating very much. I lost a lot of weight. He would tell me that if I ate anymore I would pop, and I just stopped after that. It wasn’t until I fell pregnant that I began eating properly again.”

Jared assumes that things are going well after that. Jenna is asking the questions, and Kate is answering the best that she can. Defence objects a few more times, but is overruled on each of them. It’s when Defence steps up to the plate that Jared feels bile in his throat. He’s spitting question after question at her, barely giving her a chance to speak—Jenna is objecting to council testifying, and the judge is sustaining it, but he just keeps going, to the point where it looks like Kate is about to erupt on the stand. Questions like: _Did you like your husband? Did you want to have a child with him? Is that the reason that you stayed, because you fell pregnant with his child? Were you aware that Mr. Ackles came from money, that a mild sum from the man could set you and your son up for life? Is that why you—_ and Kate is yelling that this isn’t a lawsuit. That she’s not after his money. That she doesn’t want a single cent from him. That she just wants him to pay for the things that he did to her and their son.

Silence falls over the courtroom; chatter blooming all over the place. The judge is banging the gavel down, ordering everyone to quieten down. The air is tense. People are whispering stuff now. Stuff about poor woman, and her poor child—other little things about how handsome he is, though. Jared bites back a growl at that. Is this really the time for them to be admiring his boyfriend’s good looks? No, it most certainly isn’t.

Jared suspects that this is definitely going to go in their favour. For one, Defence has no witnesses at all. All they can do is rely on breaking the ones that Jenna managed to track down. It turns out that people weren’t as dumb as they looked back then, and they knew what was going on behind closed doors. Jared hadn’t been shocked when Christian Kane entered that list, having been there the last time that Jensen’s sperm-donor ever attacked him.

One by one they take the stand, between preludes. Short breaks and all. But the judge did say that a decision will be made today, and that there would be no extensions or extra time for the Defence to find a witness of their own. The judge can clearly tell that they have none—that the whole idea is a Hail Mary Pass.

Trials aren’t fun at all. The worst part is about to come up because it’s Jensen’s turn to take the stand, and the Defence gets to have at him first. Jared is not prepared to deal with this. He wants to at least be holding Jensen’s hand through this or something. They can’t just expect him to be a quiet spectator when he’s more than sure that this guy is about to tear into his boyfriend! What if Jensen can’t take it? Jared dreads to think what the outcome might be.

Jensen’s eyes are on his as the guy starts asking questions.

“When did your Mother leave you?”

“When I was seven.”

“Why?”

“At the time, I had no idea. Now I know it’s because my Father threatened to kill me if she took me with her.”

“You don’t think that maybe that’s just something that she told you to make you feel better?”

“Objection. Council is testifying.”

“Sustained,” the judge declares, warning the Defence with her old, wise eyes.

“Mr. Ackles, what was your Father like before your Mother left you?”

Jensen bristles. “He worked a lot, but he never hurt me.”

“Until your Mother left?”

“Objection, asked and answered.”

“Sustained.”

Defence waves his hand, placing his palms on the stand, leaning in closer than normal. “How did you feel about your Mother leaving?”

“Devastated. I would rather have gone with her than stayed.”

“You preferred your mother?”

“Yes.”

“Exclusively?”

“Objec—“

“Withdrawn,” Defence mutters, rolling his shoulders. “Were you angry after your Mother left? Did you lash out? Did you act on purpose to get attention?”

“Of course I was angry. But at that age, I was more upset than anything. And, no, I didn’t act out.”

“Are you sure? Kids can be rebellious when they want to be. Maybe you took it too far one day, and your Father shouted at you? That gave you the attention that you were looking for, right? So you started doing more things to upset him, and maybe if he did _spank_ you, you liked it because you knew at the end of it all that it was all. Your. Fault.”

Before Jenna has the chance to object to all of that, Jensen is red in the face, glaring hotly at the Defence, who seems to be getting off on that. Jared can’t tell if he’s grinning or what, or even feels like he’s won—all he can see is the relief in his back like he’s already won this.

Jensen growls. “You wanna see what _spanking_ looks like?” he growls, twisting around as he tears his shirt off his back, showing off all the scars. Jared can see Jensen’s mother covering her hand with her mouth, tear lines on her cheeks. The jury is shocked, gasps coming from unsuspecting mouth, utters of sympathy, eyes of nothing but hate turning on the accused. “I’d show you the rest, but it’s not the decent thing to do. If you think that’s _spanking,_ and that someone would want that at the age of seven, you’re just as sick as he is,” Jensen spits, lowering his shirt.

The judge calls order again, and Jensen apologizes for his actions. Defence groans that they have no further questions, and Jenna’s time with Jensen is much smoother. Just like with Kate, she asks all the right questions, and Jared just knows that they haven’t got a chance in hell of losing.

That is until Jared spots Jensen’s sperm-donor smirking at Jensen, and suddenly Jared is out of his seat, diving across the room and tackling the man to the floor, throwing a punch at his face. He struggles with the men gripping his arms, tearing him away from the man, the judge declaring that he be held in contempt until the end of the trial. Jared cries out _NO_ that he has to be in there with Jensen. That he needs to be there with him. He faintly registers Jensen assuring him that he’s going to be okay, that this will all be over soon.

Then he’s being thrown in a jail cell. What the hell is he supposed to do in here? His boyfriend is out there fighting for his life. Why did he have to do that? Yeah, the guy fucking deserved it, but Jared must have known somehow that this would happen to him if he did that. This sucks so fucking bad right now. Jared can’t do anything from in here. He can’t even see Jensen—can’t assure him with his eyes that Jensen can do this—that he completely believes in him. This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be in here. He should be out there with Jensen, watching him—making sure that he doesn’t relapse—that his sperm-donor doesn’t do anything to set him off.

Normally, Jared has no problems keeping himself in check. Like when the Defence had been ripping into Jensen, Jared stopped himself from smashing the guy’s face in. It was just that one look. Everything that Jared has been keeping under wraps due that asshole excuse for a man came out all at once, and all he could think about was splitting the guy’s head open. Honestly, Jared’s not sure what he would have done if they hadn’t pulled him off of him.

Now, he’s gone and got himself in this mess. Jensen is out there without him. He’s facing this all on his own. Sure, he has his Mother and Jenna—that’s not enough. Jared recalls the way that Jensen begged Jenna to find a way for Jared to be on their table with them. It had been with a heavy heart that he forced himself to calm Jensen, making him see that that part is non-negotiable, unfortunately.

Jared throws himself against the wall, fisting the tiles. If only... No, that’s not helping him at all. All he can do is hope that everything turns out okay. That when he gets out of here, he’s met with a victory grin, and not a face that will make him want to kill Jensen’s sperm-donor infinity times over. This has to go in their favour. Why wouldn’t it? Jensen has scars—deep ones to prove the torment that he went through. The jury saw them on full display. They saw the things that Jensen endured as a child. Their case is strong. Jared just has to keep believing that—believing that Jensen can gather that last bit of strength to keep it together enough to put an end to all of this.

Nothing better to do with his time, Jared sinks down the wall, counting imaginary Jensen’s freckles. He still makes an appearance—only when Jensen isn’t around, and the older man is okay with this. He just tells Jared that his imaginary self isn’t allowed to do the type of things that he does to Jared, which always has him hot all over—thinking about a threesome with two Jensen’s. Jared knows that that particular fantasy will never come true, but he likes to dream about it.

Shaking those thoughts from his head, Jared focuses on the important things. His libido can come after the trial is over. Jared wonders what it will be like for Jensen when this falls through. Will he change? Will he be less insecure? Jared’s not sure. Time heals all wounds, but not that drastically quick. He knows that it’s always going to be a part of Jensen’s life. That he will still suffer in some ways long after. All he can do is be there for him in those times, hold him close and tell him that he’s not alone.

He feels like crying. Being kept away from Jensen is just pure torture. Jared wants to be there at the end of it all—he has something for Jensen. Something that he has been secretly working on for a long time now, but it wasn’t until these past few weeks that he managed to start it. That’s for when they are on their own, though. He wants Jensen to be the first to hear it before his release date in a few weeks time. It’s nothing like the songs that he has written in the past. Jared’s not even sure that it will hold a candle to the one that Jensen wrote for him, but he likes to think that the older man will appreciate it nonetheless. He better-Jared worked long and hard at it, and he’s expecting Jensen to tear his clothes off as a result.

Time flies in Jail. Who knew? As he’s just a guy that got a little rough in the courtroom, they didn’t take his possessions from him. So he has his watch. He can see the time. He knows that he’s been in here two hours already. He knows that that probably means that it won’t be long now before he’s allowed out of this dump. This is ridiculous, like time out when Jared was a kid or something akin to the naughty step. It’s humiliating to be in here when his actions were completely justified!

Another ten minutes go by, and then the bars are sliding to the left, and Jared is met with the courtroom guard, who tells him that he can come out now, but he will be thrown in jail if he does anything else that stupid. Jared promises that he’ll behave. Really, that all depends on the result of the trial. If he goes in there, and sees that Jensen has lost, he will not be held accountable for what he may or may not do.

His heart settles in his throat as he spots Jensen outside, talking to people. He can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Strapped for what to do, Jared makes his way over to his boyfriend, being careful not to go too far if all Jensen needs is space right now. It’s with a heavy heart that he stops a few feet away, keeping enough distance to not crowd the older man.

Out of nowhere, he’s breathing in aftershave so familiar to him, nose pressed into a tailored suit, eyes filling with fresh tears as Jensen’s smell washes all over him, driving him to the end of the world and back multiple times. He inhales it as deep as he can, apologizing into Jensen’s shoulder. He doesn’t know if this is a hug of victory or commiseration, but he’ll play the part that he’s supposed to in all of this. The part that he has been playing from the very first strum of Jensen’s fingers against those worn guitar chords. The part that he committed himself to at that after party. The part that helped him to push Jensen to quit smoking—to take better care of his body; to not overdo it in on the alcohol—the part that led to falling in love with the very man that he swore to protect.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Jay. I could never have done this without you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. How much winning this means to me. He’s gone from my life now, and I have you to thank for that. I’m never gonna have to take any shit from him again, and that’s all because of you, Jared. If I had never met you, I wouldn’t have been able to go through with this. There isn’t a way that I could ever repay you for the things that you have done for me, but,” Jensen pauses, taking in much needed air. Jared’s not sure what to expect. The things that Jensen has been saying to him have made him feel all warm and tingly inside. He could get used to this type of praise, and he can’t comprehend how proud and happy he is that Jensen won—that this is all over now. “I-I love you, Jared! I love you so fucking much. I was so scared after you got kicked out. But your voice in my head told me to keep going. To keep on fighting until there was nothing left to fight for anymore. And I did it—I did it because I had you there with me, maybe not in person—in my heart. Where you belong. Where we belong together. And I know that’s cheesy as all fuck, but... Jared, he got fifteen years. Then he punched a prison guard and got ten more! He’s gonna be away for twenty-five years,” Jensen announces, eyes filled with tears of joy. Jared doesn’t have the heart to interrupt him in this moment—content to just listen to whatever it is that Jensen has to say. As much or as little. Like it’s always been.

“Congratulations, Jen,” Jared says, leaning in to kiss him, but stops himself.

Jensen frowns, and then starts tugging Jared towards the exit of the courthouse, face determined. His Mother is speaking to reporters about what happened, about how genuinely happy she is that she has her son back in her life. Jared’s eyes widen as Jensen pulls him up to the microphones, hand holding onto Jared’s tightly.

“I’d like to say a few words now. None of this would have been possible without Jared. Jared is the love of my life. I love him. And I want to be with him for the rest of my life. If my fans can’t handle that, then I don’t need them. All I need in my life to be happy is Jared. If you want to call me gay, go right ahead. I don’t care. All that matters to me is this man’s happiness,” Jensen declares, raising their held hands to his lips, where he kisses Jared’s knuckles, smiling at him—properly smiling at him for the first time in Jared’s life. Jensen is smiling at him. He’s not grinning. He’s not smirking. He’s not playfully taunting him. Jensen is _smiling._ And it’s the most beautiful thing that Jared has ever seen. Jared soaks it all up. Knows that this is just for him. This is all for him. Jensen is showing him just how much he means to him, and the younger man could not be happier in this moment. This is what he has been waiting for since the first night he met the broken country singer, with the voice of an angel. There’s time to commit every fraction of skin to memory, so he can recreate it in his mind. Jensen’s smile is breathtaking, and Jared doesn’t even care that he’s crying like a baby. Seeing this—seeing Jensen’s smile is the fucking cure to all the shit in the world as far as Jared’s concerned.

But Jensen’s not done. He’s ignoring the questions being aimed at him, and then he’s on his knee, and Jared feels like a swarm of hornets are stinging him on the insides. Is he? No. He can’t be. Maybe he’s just tying his show or something. That’s appropriate right now, right? Jared’s heart stills in his chest, no longer beating as Jensen grabs his hand, staring up at him with those stupidly beautiful green eyes.

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, will you marry a messed up country singer like me, and make me the happiest man in the universe? Fuck what’s right. You’re right for me. I love you, and I want to be bound to you. Only you,” Jensen proposes, a scratch in his voice. Jared can see that he’s trying not to cry. Jared is failing at trying. He’s passed even managing to swipe one tear track away before the next one forms.

He feels like he should ask Jensen how he had the time to find a ring, but stops himself. Jared kneels to the floor with him, butting their foreheads together. “You’re insane, you know that?” Jensen nods, looking worried that Jared might turn him down. As if that’s ever gonna happen. “Of course I’ll marry you, you nutjob. Thanks for outing me to all my fans.”

“You’re welcome, husband,” Jensen teases, pulling them up as he locks their lips together, evaporating every worry that Jared could ever have. This is their time. This is their moment. No one else is here. No one is watching them. There are no questions being fired their way.

It’s two people in love.

And that’s beautiful.

 

END

 

 


	22. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen visits his Father at the prison five years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, to the point. This is all over now! Thank you for joining me on this journey! I had a blast. 20 days of writing has taken a lot out of me, though. Haha! 
> 
> Onwards~!~!~!~!~!~!~

Jensen’s not sure why he’s here. He’s not even sure that this was a conscious decision of his. All he knows is that he’s here now, and he has a few things to say to the man that gave him life. Where he’s supposed to begin, he has no idea. Jensen’s positive that it will just come to him when the man is seated in front of him. Even though he’s going to be on the other side of the glass, that doesn’t mean that this is going to be easy for him. Jensen still has nightmares sometimes. Nightmares that are quickly driven away by Jared’s lips on his forehead, strong arms holding him, soothing voice telling him that everything is okay.

Things are just... Easier now.

Jensen steadies himself as he hears the rattling of cuffs, a prison guard guiding his father over to the chair. This is the only way that he convinced himself to see the man. There has to be something shielding them. Yeah, Jensen could most likely wreck the man if they were to get into a fight, but he’s still scared. Scars go deeper than the skin. They go all the way to the soul, and they can chew Jensen up and spit him out at a moment’s notice if he’s not careful.

He lets out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding onto, picking up the phone off the receiver, face completely neutral, eyes confused about where they should focus themselves.

Without letting the man say anything, Jensen starts.

“My life has changed a lot since the trial. I got married to Jared four years ago. I have a kid now. Me and Momma have never been better. To think in some ways I should be grateful to you. I mean, if I hadn’t gone through all that shit, I never would have channelled it into my music. I never would have started out with the piano, and then moved on to the guitar. Ultimately, I never would have met Jared. The love of my life. So, thank you for that. I don’t expect you to apologise for what you put me through. To be honest, I don’t know why I’m here. I feel sick just looking at you. But I am for some reason, and I guess it’s because I want to show you just how _good_ I am. A lot better than you, apparently. That’s a nice shiner. Guess guys around here don’t take too kindly to child abuse. Yeah, they might be murders, but somewhere deep down they wanna carry on their birthrights.”

“I’m number one in the charts. Not that you’d care. Mine and Jared’s song has been covered by friends all over the world. It’s sweet to think that we made that. And then we made Carrie. Jared’s friend Genevieve offered us her womb. She’s nice and all, but sometimes she’s a little handsy with Jared. That pisses me off, but it leads to stuff later, so I’m not too bothered about it. Your Granddaughter is three years old. She’s beautiful, and she means just as much to me as my husband.”

“I can tell that you don’t really care about any of this. I just wanted to let you know that I’m doing okay. Maybe you’ll be happy to know that I still have nightmares about you. Who knows? I’m better off than I have ever been, and that is all because of Jared. If you ever feel bad for the things that you did to me, thank Jared for stopping me from turning to the dark side, and possibly stopping the Ackles bloodline.”

Jensen smirks. “I’ve got nothing else to say to you,” he admits, putting the phone down. The man who gave him life doesn’t say a word to him. He’s just sitting there with the phone next to his ear, lips moving but not forming words. Jensen watches as the guards take him away, a shiver running through him.

When he gets home and tells Jared, he’s going to be so proud of him!

 

 At home, Jensen immediately finds Jared in their kitchen. He’s cooking dinner for their little angel. Jensen can’t wait—he’s been hungry since he left to go to the prison. Jensen closes the distance between them, circling his arms around Jared, resting his head on the younger man’s shoulder, feeling instantly relaxed.

“Hey,” Jared greets, chuckling. “How was your visit?”

Jensen grunts as Carrie runs into his legs, spinning around to lift her into his arms, rocking her up and down as he smiles at his husband.

“You know what? Better than I expected.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S ALL DONE!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!
> 
> Kisses
> 
> \--Kieran


End file.
